- Every man in this room has turned to porn
at some point in time.
Stupidest shit a man can do, here's why I say its stupid.
We don't give people that do porn
enough credit and enough respect.
Those people are professional actors and actresses.
That's what they do for a living, you can't just watch
that shit and go home and try it. It don't work like that.
That's like watching a karate movie, going outside
getting in a fight, telling everybody to back up
so you can roundhouse kick this nigga in the head;
you don't know how to do that kick.
Its the same thing with porn.
I'm not speaking to you from a hypothetical place
I've been there. I've done it. I've tried it.
I've watched porn with my wife.
Tried to the shit that I saw
I was nervous about it.
So I was having a conversation with myself.
Should I do it , should I fucking do it.
Should I try it.
I had good Kevin on this side,
Bad Kevin was on this side.
Good Kevin popped up. Good Kevin had on a pair
of khakis and V neck sweater.
He said absolutely not, don't do it.
That's a good woman, you talk to her first.
Bad Kevin popped up.
Bad Kevin had on a pair of
leather pants and a fishnet tank top
and he was doing this.
Bad Kevin,
Bad Kevin said you gone listen to the man with khakis on?
No, Nooo.
He said do it then, Do It.
Out of no where I spit on my wife.
[Pfft] Quick.
Right in the fucking forehead.
[Puht] A loogie right in her goddamn forehead.
It was an awkward beat of silence nobody said nothing.
It was quiet.
Out of nowhere she was like,
YOU JUST FUCKING SPIT ON ME!
The complete opposite of the reaction
from the lady in the porn.
The lady in the porn went crazy when it happened
she was like auuuuhhhhh
auuuhhhh
This spit is making me so hot
auuhhh
This spit goin make me cum.
In my mind, I was like that's how you make em cum.
You gotta spit on they fucking heads
I've been doing it wrong all this time.
I even told my wife you not doing it right
you gotta rub it in, that's how you fucking cum.
I had to go downstairs to get a baby wipe.
Clean her head off,
that was embarrassing.
I go to get back in the bed, she wanna talk about it.
What did I tell you guys,
I don't like to talk,
let it float in the air and disappear.
I don't wanna talk about it.
As soon as I get in the bed,
she was like did you really just spit on me?
I almost lied.
Even though I know that she know I know that I did it,
I almost fucking lied.
The reason why was because bad Kevin pooped back up.
Bad Kevin was like
say it was a leak in the ceiling. I sad no, get...
the hell out of here Bad Kevin.
Yes, Yes!
I spit on you.
Why? I don't know.
I was watching porn and I saw some shit, I tried it.
She said, Kevin, let me tell you something.
I don't care if you watch porn.
Don't be stupid enough to bring the shit that you saw
in our house.
She said, I watch porn all the time.
I don't try to do the shit that I saw to you.
I said, uhhh...
Back
the fuck
up.
When did this become a whore house?
The hell you mean you watching porn?
What the hell are you watching?
She was like, mmm, everything.
AHHHHHHHHH
Instantly, it got hurt.
The reason why it hurt me is because
I fucking couldn't separate
my pride from reality.
This is the problem that all men have.
See reality is if she wanna watch porn,
she can watch porn. If I wanna watch porn, I can watch porn.
That's how it should be, but my pride,
my pride wouldn't let it be that way.
My pride wanted to know
what she was watching, I wanted to see it.
Let me see it with my eyes, I wanna see it.
She said you wanna see it? Let me see it
She got a laptop, opened it up.
She said my porn search is in my cookies.
All you gotta do is search my cookies.
I said, well you better get me a glass of milk
cause I'm bout to eat all these goddamn cookies.
The shit that I saw hurt my heart.
It hurt me.
The reason why is because her porn search
was the complete opposite of who I am.
Everything I saw was big.
Everything
was big.
Big balls to the walls, big backs on big blacks
Big cocks and socks. What the fuck is going on?
One of the sites wasn't even porn,
one of the sites was a bunch of tall men being active.
They were changing light bulbs, putting shit on shelves,
hanging paintings.What kind of sick shit is this?
What the fuck is this?
She was like, what you cant do none of that stuff.
I like that stuff.
Aahhhhhh
(upbeat music)