Top 10 countdown today. And today it's all about those thinking errors that
sabotage a relationship.
-There is something that you say all the time. You
people, you tell my kids. Oh, there's a lot of things you say all the
time. But what I'm thinking about is that you often say, "You're never wrong about
how you feel." -Right. I believe that. -And that is so important. But I think there
is a further part a second part to that conversation of that statement that you
often go into but not all the time. And that is your feelings are always
attached to your thoughts. And that's where you're not wrong about how you feel. You're thinking
one way and that's created an emotion, a feeling. -Yeah. It's a cause and effect.
You're not wrong about how you feel. How you feel it was 100% consistent with the
way you're thinking. -So, if you want to feel differently if
you don't like the way you're feeling about something, we have to be open to
going back and really figuring out what the thought is that we have. And be
willing to maybe change it. -We are going to act from our thoughts or our beliefs.
When we stop to take a look at our thoughts and beliefs, it puts us in a
position of choice. -Right. So, today, that's what we're going to talk about is some
of these thoughts that we might not even realize that we are having or we're
committed to in our mind. And then if once we become aware of them, we have a
better chance of maybe restructuring and choosing a different thought so that we
can have a different emotion which will then lead to different actions. -Beautiful.
So, as we get into this list, you probably are thinking from some of these thoughts.
We're not here to tell you how to think. We don't have that kind of authority.
-Well we don't want to. You can think anything you want. -Yes. -However, we love
to give you an opportunity to look at your thoughts and choose something
different if you're not happy with your outcome. -So, rather than thinking from the
thought, you get to think about the thought. And then see what you want to do with it.
-Make a choice. -Number 10 on our countdown list: My partner is here to
meet my needs. -You know I don't even know if we recognize that as a thought.
But I came across a thought generator you know, Jody Moore I've talked about
her before and she sent out some thoughts that she said you don't have to
think this, of course. But it might be something to consider and I put those up
on my wall and one of them is that "My husband isn't here to meet my needs. He's
here for me to love. And I get to meet my needs." -Hmm. -So, I think choosing another
thought. So, just become unaware of what your thought is. Is your husband really
here to meet all your needs? Consider maybe he's here so that I have somebody
to love. -This comes up a lot when I'm doing couple coaching. And it's embedded
in what people tell me. My needs aren't being met. -Yeah. -And the underlying
assumption is: And that person... -That he's doing them. -Right. -Right.
Number 9 is "Everything would be better if my partner would just ____" -Fill in
the blanks. You know why this one is such a trip up? Because it's true. -Right. -Things
will be better right if he would just pick up after himself or if he would
just load the dishes every time he eats. -This relationship would be better if
your spouse would shape up. That is true. -Uh-huh.
-But think about it. That's a thought, right? And what does that usually lead
you to? --Irritation. That's usually the feeling that comes or the emotion that
is resulted from that kind of a thought. So, we're not saying you can't think that
or that you shouldn't think that. We're just saying be aware of what feeling
that's generating. Do you like that? -It creates a predictable response too. You
think about how your spouse will feel or your partner in this relationship when
you're thinking, "Oh, this would be so much better if you would shape up." They're
going to predictably feel criticized, attacked. And the defenses will come up.
And that's sometimes how you can identify that it's happened. The number
8 thinking error. "My partner always____" -Fill in the blank. -Right. The word itself
ALWAYS is a trigger. -I catch myself with this one a lot. I just realized that I
need to avoid that statement even, this Always you, Always. Because even if I'm
sane and I don't mean it, it's obviously in my thought pattern. And that generally
leaves me to this feeling of isolation, irritation. You know, whatever. -We already
have a little bit of destructive pride that has us knowing that we're right.
When we use the word always, think about what that means. Always is always
inaccurate. Okay, I know I used the word twice in that sentence. But notice that
that's probably true. There are very few things that are
always true about your spouse. It leads us right into number 7. -"My
partner NEVER ____" -Same problem. -Right. -Same problem. Same inaccuracies.
It never is never accurate. -Right. You often talk about... And go back if you
haven't listened to all of these things. But we talk about what is. So, if you
state rather you didn't call me and tell me you were going to be late, okay? So,
saying, "You NEVER tell me when you're not coming home. You never tell me you're
staying late." -So, just hearing that, that triggers... -A feeling, right.
And so, I think one of the tricky parts is in your mind, just being able to
separate the situation versus the thought about the situation. He didn't
call versus he NEVER calls. -Big difference and it has a big
impact on the relationship. Again, we're not here to tell you how to think. Just
notice it. And if you're coming from that thought, it will be different from you
thinking about that thought. Thinking error number 6 is very closely related
to the 2 that we just talked about. "I'm the one who ___." Alright? -I'm kind of
chuckling because I sort of got stuck in this one... Yesterday. -Oh. -Our little
conversation. -Little disclosure from Dr. Paul and Vicki. -Which was kind of
putting me into this situation where I wasn't being supported. But it wasn't
true. But that's where I went with my thought. Because it was my thoughts. -And
the corollary obviously is "And you're the one who ___." -Right. -Rarely in a
relationship is it that bipolar. -Right. -Alright? Everybody has strengths,
everybody has weaknesses. When we say those phrases, it's usually because first
of all, we're thinking those phrases. And that's where the thinking error comes in.
It's also because sometimes we're frustrated about what's going on. So, just
be aware of it. Raise the awareness to, "Oh, I wonder if I'm coming from that thought
or can I just think about it?" -Okay. Here's full disclosure. This is
another one that I get stuck in a lot of the time. -Number 5, you mean? -Number
5. "My partner thinks ___." I get in trouble
sometimes because I tell you what you think. My partner thinks is or thinks
this about situations. And that's... -Which triggers me. -Right. Triggers you but it
causes me to feel a certain way, a judged way. And I don't even know if
that's really where it's coming from, you know? So, just recognizing that I am going
with the thought process, the conviction that I already know what he's thinking.
-Here's the truth: You don't know what your partner is thinking. Even if they
tell you. You know what they told you but you still don't really know what they're
thinking. Coming from a place of "My partner thinks this. My partner does that."
You're projecting on to them something that you're already upset about. And it
may not have any resemblance to what they actually think or where they're
actually coming from. And Vicki I do it too. We are vulnerable to this as
human beings. And again, we're not telling you how to think. Just notice it. Number
4 came up from years of experience that
I've had working with couples who are on the verge of separation or divorce.
And I hear this phrase: "I can't go on living like this." And it's not true. Now, I
understand the sentiment and I appreciate the feeling. "I can't go on
living like this" is a lie. And I confronted one of my clients recently
about this as she shared with me "I can't go on living like this." as she was
considering separating from her husband. And the confrontation sounded like, "No, I
think you can." That kind of got her fired up a little bit. But the evidence of that
was she had been living like this for 20 years.
Could she go on? Why yes, she could. Now, she may not want to. She may want to
change something. Obviously she wants to change some things. The thought "I can't
go on living like this" limits your possibilities and your options. And it
creates what I call a victim mentality --where people get stuck in their own
thinking. -You know, it's so tricky because many of these thoughts bring up such a
strong emotion. -Yes. -And it is okay. You can keep thinking that thought if you'd
like to. But sometimes you need somebody else... -Wait. -Well you get to choose. -But
I don't want to. That's different. -Right there's a difference. And you know, at sometimes
it's okay. Sometimes we want to be sad for a while. So, go ahead and think that
thought that is causing you to be sad. -Right. -If you're wanting to change it and
you're not sure what even your thought is that's causing the emotion or how you
would change it, what could be a replacement thought you could work on, go
ahead and get some help from somebody else. Somebody you trust. Maybe hire a
coach. Look into our programs that can help you find some alternate thought
patterns. -You might be thinking at this point, "Okay. So, I really just need to
change how I think." -And there's another thought pattern. -Or not. -Right. -We're not
saying that you have to change it. -As you notice it, you might think, "Huh, that
doesn't serve me well. Is there another way to think about this?" And almost all
there's another way to think about this. Let's go on to number 3 in our list
of thinking errors. You know what? We call them thinking errors. They're just
thoughts. -Right. They may not be errors as much as alternatives that may not serve
you well. -Yeah. Just be open to the idea that "Is this thought serving me?" -And
number three is "We can't because ___. Or I can't because ___." Look, when we declare that
we can't, our mind is going to try to look for all of the reasons why we're
right about that. It's called confirmation bias. it's a psychological
process where we look for and find and sometimes create evidence that we're
right about that thought. It doesn't mean that we're right. It simply means that
that's what our mind is currently supporting. -You know, I saw something at
school like I'm trying to remember. I think it was a poster in the school that
I was at. One time that it often said, "I haven't done that yet. I haven't figured
it out yet." And sometimes, if you rather than go, "We can't because ___." It might be "We
haven't done that yet" or "I'm still working out how to accomplish something."
You know, those are some alternate thought patterns you might want to add.
Just adding that word --YET can really open your mind up to something more. And
reduce the desperation or the discouragement that comes with belief
"I can't do that because ___." -It's also helpful maybe to add the word HOW
instead of I can't. Ask "How can I?" -Right. -"We can't afford that" versus "How can we
afford that?" -Mm-hmm. Do you see how it changes the energy? It
takes your mind in a completely different direction.
Both are legitimate options. Choose what serves you well. -Well, yeah. The answer
might still be the same. You know, maybe you want to go on a whole family
vacation to Disney World, right? And you you say, "We can't afford it."
And that thought pattern creates a certain emotion. -Right. -Even if the answer
is still... What if you say, "How can we go to Disneyland as our Disney World for as
a whole family?" And it might be that we give up this,
give up this and then we give up this. We have the money. And you might still
choose not to go to Disney World. But now, you're in another place so that the
thought isn't... It doesn't create this emotion of deprivation but of
choice. -Right. -Number 2, "I'm already doing my half." -Your half. -This
goes back to something you talked to couples all the time about. 50/50
isn't going to cut it. Well... -That's a common mentality though. It's a 50/50
proposition. You do your half, I'll do my half. "But honestly I know I'm already
doing more than half." -Right? I mean that thinking gets in there. In my experience
working with couples, it's not a 50/50 thing. I talked to couples about
95/5 where you, YOU personally get to do 95%. It's
just an option. You don't have to think this way. But what if I am thinking, "You
know what? I'm responsible for 95% of this. I'm going to expect about 5% from
Vicki." I can guarantee you she's doing a whole lot more than 5%, right?
But if that's my expectation, then we got plenty. And I'm really pleased with her
contributions. And she's thinking the same thing. "Look, I'm 95%
responsible for this. I'm going to expect about 5% from Paul." And anybody with a
pulse can do 5%. So, that's easy for me, right? But the mentality changes
your position. And instead of feeling deprived or like you're being cheated,
you've got a lot more workable arrangement going. Let me give you a
context for number one on our list today. I was meeting with a couple where as she
slipped out of the room to take care of something. He told me "I just don't love
her anymore, doc." Oh, I almost came unglued on him. Because my... And my initial response
was, "Well then, love her. Duh?' Because I look at love as a choice not
as a feeling. I think it creates feelings. But it's really a choice. It's a promise.
It's a commitment. It's a declaration. And you get to choose that.
I think when we look at love as simply a feeling, we're only focusing on the
results of something that we can freely choose. -Mm-hmm.
-So, that kind of sounds like you're telling him it hits wrong to be thinking
that. -Oh, yeah. It did kind of sound that way, didn't that? I do have strong
opinions about this. And thank you because I think sometimes I presented in
a way as, "You're wrong for thinking that." So, let me back up on that just a little
bit. I don't think you're ever wrong about how you feel. How you feel is 100%
consistent with the way you're thinking. So, I think what I was trying to do is
invite him to take a look at his thinking about love and what that
means. -Because that declaration within your mind as a thought. "I don't love her
anymore." You're declaring I don't love her anymore. And so, that's going to bring
out the emotions of not loving her and the actions will follow that you don't
do loving acts towards her. So, if you want to be able to change that, then "I love
her. And this is how I'm going to show up." -Remember in the title of this particular
video. "These are thinking errors (we've already
addressed that) that sabotage a relationship." To have a healthy, loving
relationship does it serve you well to say, "I just don't love her anymore." Then
that's a good question to ask. Not that whether it's right or wrong. -Right.
-But simply does this serve me well? -And does this serve our relationship? -Right.
-Really, we talked about "Are these are sabotaging the relationship?" I want this
relationship to succeed. Maybe that's one of your thought that you're going to
adopt, right? And then find other thoughts that are leading you away from that
result that you were hoping for. That you're living for, that you're working
for. And choose some other thoughts if you'd like to. -As we've wrapped up this
list, this top 10 list of these thinking errors the sabotage relationship,
another tool that I'd love to just throw out there to you is to ask the
question "Where would I be without this thought? And what other thoughts might
serve me better?" Just being open to that question I think puts us in a position
of power and in a place where we can really move our relationships forward in
some really cool ways. -You may not be aware that we're offering all kinds of
support and services for relationships. Come on over to live on purpose central.
It's at DrPaulJenkins.com. D-R, Paul Jenkins, ".com". We're here to support
you. I think you're gonna love this community.