Let us please open our Twitters to the Book of Donald,
as we read from tweet 8:28 a.m.
Highest stock,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
economic numbers, blah, blah, blah,
17 years, blah, blah,
border secure, Supreme Court:
no White House chaos.
None. Zero.
Not even a little bit of chaos in the White House.
We do have breaking news.
President Donald Trump has removed Anthony Scaramucci
as communications director.
This is a White House that appears to be, uh,
in staff chaos and staff turmoil, uh, from week to week.
Wait, what?!
Scaramucci out? But he just... he just got here!
He just got here. I just bought the Scaramucci 2017 jersey!
What the hell, people?! I just bought it.
I haven't even finished my Scaramucci tattoo!
Now it just says "Scar."
What am I supposed to do with another Scar tattoo, huh?
I've already got one from
Now I've got two of them?
Really? And-and, by the way, did you know,
did you know that, technically, Scaramucci's job
hadn't even started yet? Did you know this?
His official start date as communications director
is August 15.
The guy got fired before the job began.
That's like waking up in the morning,
looking in the newspaper, and it says, "Help wanted but not you."
"What?! I-I haven't even... I haven't started yet."
This is like... you know, it's like the song of the summer.
Scaramucci came into our lives,
made everyone obsessed with him for, like, a week,
and then he left us with nothing but memories
and, like, a bunch of weird moves, you know?
Just like... (humming "Macarena")
♪ Macarena ♪ (humming)
♪ Macarena ♪
(humming) ♪ Macarena ♪
♪ Hey, Scaramucci! ♪
-That's what it feels like. -(cheering and applause)
He's gone!
This White House, man. People are getting fired so quickly
that the White House ghost has no idea who to haunt.
The ghost is just going around like, "Mooch!
"Scaramu... Oh, oh, sorry.
You're not Mooch."
"I'm General Kelly."
"Where's Mooch?"
"He got fired."
"Oh, okay. Well, I'll go haunt Spicer!"
"I don't know how to break... Okay, go on.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye."
Ah. And so, tonight,
all too soon, my friends, we say... good-bye.
♪ ♪
Here's what I will tell you, okay?
I love the president. I love the president.
I love the president, and I'm very, very loyal
to the president.
REPORTER:
I'm not trying to... suck my own..."
♪ ♪
(applause)
(cheering and applause)
You know, even for a White House suffering
from severe retention deficit disorder,
Scaramucci's exit was jaw-droppingly quick.
I mean, why did this happen?
Why did this happen?
Because, as of Friday,
there's a new sheriff in town.
President Trump announced by Twitter late today
he is replacing Chief of Staff Reince Priebus
with Homeland Security Secretary General John Kelly.
REPORTER:
who can help bring discipline and order
to the Trump administration,
even though the president denies problems.
REPORTER 2:
that has seen its share of turmoil in recent weeks.
I-I'm sorry, what? "Recent weeks"?
You mean all the weeks. All the weeks.
It's not "recent weeks." There's been six months' worth of weeks,
and every one of those has been sloppier than a bulldog orgy.
Every week, my friends.
Not "recent weeks."
Which, I guess, in a way, is why
this is not the dumbest thing the president could have done.
Trump bringing in General Kelly will bring stability to himself.
You know? In a way, it's like Trump is sending himself
to boarding school, you know?
Just like, "What I need is some structure in my life.
"I'm out of control, and I have to learn some discipline.
And I miss my dad."
Oh, and, uh, if you don't know General Kelly,
he was in the Marines for 45 years,
he commanded forces during the invasion of Iraq.
Basically, what I'm saying is
I don't know if he's ready for this.
I don't. I don't know.
And I... and I know some of the critics of the president
are concerned that Trump seems to be surrounding himself
with generals. Yeah.
General John Kelly, General Mattis,
General McMaster, and, of course, General Anesthesia.
It is a worrying trend.
But credit where credit is due.
By immediately firing Scaramucci,
General Kelly has shown that, unlike many people
in the Trump administration, he is at least capable
of the obvious. Because Scaramucci had to go.
One week into the job and the guy already had
four scandals. Even Trump was going,
"This guy, every day, there's something new with him!
"I mean, have you guys ever seen anything like this?
"Have you see anything? Have you, folks?
Yeah, I didn't think so. I didn't think so."
And now that Kelly has gotten rid of Scaramucci,
it seems like things can finally get back to normal, you know?
Yeah, everyone in the White House
can relax for a little bit.
Even Steve Bannon is like, "So, is he... is he gone?"
(laughter and applause)
Still trying.
(cheers and applause)
So, now, obviously, because Kelly's in,
previous chief of staff Reince Priebus is out.
The question is, though,
why did he get the ax?
The final straw for President Trump with Priebus
was the fact that that health care vote
went down in defeat last week.
This is a big priority for the president.
Reince Priebus' selling point
was he said he was the person
to get health care over the finish line,
to overhaul Obamacare,
that he had all of these relationships
on Capitol Hill.
And, of course, it didn't get done.
Really?
Health care failed because of Reince?
Like, why do they keep bringing in new people
as if we don't all know what the real problem is?
It's like Donald Trump is a tornado
and the White House keeps hiring new maids.
"Why isn't this place ever clean?
It's so dir... What's happening?"
"I'm just gonna neaten up. I'm just gonna neaten up."
Like, what was even worse
was how poor Reince got the news.
Ashley Parker, a
tweeted, "When Air Force One touched down Friday afternoon
"in Andrews Air Force Base,
"Priebus, senior policy advisor Stephen Miller
"and social media director Dan Scavino
"all loaded into a Suburban.
"But moments later,
"Miller and Scavino hopped out of that vehicle,
"and as word trickled out about the chief of staff's ouster,
"reporters inched close to snap photos of Priebus,
who sat alone on the rain-soaked tarmac."
Aw, shame.
Poor Reince.
Abandoned in a summer rainstorm
like the star of a karaoke music video.
What's really sad about this
is that none of these imaginary scenarios
we can come up with for Reince are as humiliating
as the ones that Trump came up with
for him in real life.
"His final departure was a humiliating coda
"for what had been a largely demeaning tenure,
"during which Priebus endured regular belittling
"and emasculation from rival advisors
and even, at times, the president himself."
The
when the president asked Priebus to kill a fly
that was bothering Trump in the Oval Office.
(laughter)
President Trump, that's just wrong.
You don't call Reince Priebus in to kill a fly.
You call Melania.
She's an expert in swatting pests.