WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE "LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
YOU CAN FEEL IT.
I'M GLAD YOU GUYS HAVE GOT THE ENERGY BECAUSE YOU CAN FEEL IT
TON STREET TODAY.
TOOTH TODAY IS A VERY ROUGH DAY, SO LET'S START OFF WITH
SOMETHING FROM THE SMILE FILE.
THANKS TO TRUMP'S TRADE WAR WITH CHINA, THE DOW JONES
INDUSTRIAL AVERAGE LOST MORE THAN 750 POINTS TODAY.
AND THAT WAS THE SMILE FILE.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE IT'S ALL DOWNHILL FROM
HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) I'VE BEEN WATCHING THIS SHOW ON
HBO-- "CHERNOBYL"-- DON'T TELL ME HOW IT ENDS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IN THE THING ABOUT THE
NUCLEAR REACTOR BLOWING UP, OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN IT, A
SCIENTIST OR ENGINEER WILL TELL A POLITICIAN, "HEY, WE'VE GOT A
REAL PROBLEM HERE.
THE NUCLEAR CORE IS GOING TO MELTDOWN AND KILL EVERYONE."ñ
BUT THE POLITICIANS REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT BECAUSE ANY
ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF FAILURE THREATENS THEIR POSITION OF
POWER, AND THEIR POWER IS MORE
IMPORTANT THAN SAVING LIVES.
WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
WELL -- ( LAUGHTER )
-- I THINK AT THIS POINT IT'S CLEAR THAT AMERICA'S
GUN CULTURE IS MELTING DOWN, BUT THE REPUBLICANS IN CONGRESS
WOULD RATHER MAINTAIN THEIR POWER THAN SAVE LIVES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE LATEST EVIDENCE IS THE TWO
MASS SHOOTINGS IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS: ONE IN EL PASO, TEXAS,
THE OTHER IN DAYTON, OHIO MAKING FOUR MASS SHOOTINGS IN
AMERICA LAST WEEK ALONE.
255 IN 2019 SO FAR.
NOW, THERE ARE TWO BI-PARTISAN BACKGROUND CHECK BILLS THAT HAVE
PASSED THE HOUSE BUT ARE BEING BLOCKED BY SENATE MAJORITY
LEADER AND THIS MONTH'S CENTERFOLD OF CORRUPTIONçó
MONTHLY -- ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) -- MITCH McCONNELL.
( BOOING ) THAT IS HIS MATING CALL.
( LAUGHTER ) MCONNELL'S HAD THE BILLS SINCE
FEBRUARY, BUT WON'T TAKE ANY ACTION.
I'M SURE HE HAS HIS REASONS.
LIKE THE $1.26 MILLION IN N.R.A.
CONTRIBUTIONS.
HE HAS RECEIVED.
( BOOING ) YOU CAN'T PUT A PRICE ON HUMAN
LIFE, BUT IT DOESN'T STOP MITCH FROM TRYING.
( LAUGHTER ) AFTER EVERY ONE OF THESE
TRAGEDIES -- EVERY TIME THIS HAPPENS, EVERYBODY WANTS
SENSIBLE GUN LEGISLATION AND NOTHING HAPPENS.
MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR "SENSELESS" GUN LEGISLATION.
( LAUGHTER ) MAYBE TURN IN YOUR ASSAULT
WEAPON AND IN EXCHANGE WE'LL GIVE YOU A GIANT PORK SAUSAGE.
>> OKAY?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT MAKES NO SENSE.
THAT IS SENSELESS.
( APPLAUSE ) GIVE ME YOUR GUN, YOU GET A
GIANT PORK SAUSAGE.
IT'S EVEN MORE FALK THAN YOUR GUN AND IT'S ONLY GOING TO HURT
YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THIS TIME IT'S NOT JUST GUNS,
IT'S ALSO OVERT RACISM.
WHEN A REPORTER ASKED EL PASO-NATIVE BETO O'ROURKE IF
THERE WAS ANYTHING THE PRESIDENT COULD DO ABOUT THE SHOOTINGS, HE
DID NOT HESITATE TO NAME THE RADIOACTIVE CORE OF THIS
MELTDOWN.
>> IS THERE ANYTHING IN YOUR MIND THAT THE PRESIDENT CAN
DO NOW TO MAKE THIS ANY BETTER?
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK?
UMM, YOU KNOW THE (BLEEP) HE'S BEEN SAYING.
HE'S BEEN CALLING MEXICAN IMMIGRANTS RAPISTS AND
CRIMINALS.
I DONK) THE PRESS, WHAT THE (BLEEP)?
HOLD ON A SECOND.ñ YOU KNOW, IT'S THESE-- IT'S
THESE QUESTIONS THAT YOU KNOW THE ANSWERS TO.
I MEAN, CONNECT THE DOTS ABOUT WHAT HE'S BEEN DOING IN
THIS COUNTRY.
HE'S NOT TOLERATING RACISM, HE'S PROMOTING RACISM.
HE'S NOT TOLERATING VIOLENCE, HE'S INCITING RACISM AND
VIOLENCE IN THIS COUNTRY.
SO, YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF QUESTION THAT IS.
>> STEPHEN: WELL SAID.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL SAID.
REFRESHING CANDOR.
IT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD TO OFFER THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, BUT
SOMETIMES YOU NEED SHOUTS AND SWEARS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TODAY, TRUMP PUT ON HIS
PRESIDENT PANTS AND ADDRESSED THE TRAGEDIES IN EL PASO AND
DAYTON-- OR TRIED TO: >> MAY GOD BLESS THE MEMORY OF
THOSE WHO PERISHED IN TOLEDO.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
WRONG CITY, BUT DON'T WORRY, SIR.
IT'S NOT LIKE OHIO'S THAT IMPORTANT IN PRESIDENTIAL
ELECTIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) JOE BIDEN BETTER HOPE IT'S NOT,
BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, HE OFFERED SYMPATHY FOR THE "TRAGIC EVENTS
IN HOUSTON AND ALSO IN MICHIGAN."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) HOLY TOLEDO.
( LAUGHTER ) LATER ON IN HIS ADDRESS FROM THE
WHITE HOUSE, TRUMP TOOK A STRONG STAND:ñr
>> IN ONE VOICE, OUR NATION MUST CONDEMN RACISM, BIGOTRY, AND
WHITE SUPREMACY.
>> STEPHEN: I TRY MY BEST EVERY NIGHT, BUT YOU'RE STILL IN
OFFICE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO --
( CHEERING ) SO WHO'S TO BLAME FOR THESE
SHOOTINGS?
TRUMP HAD A, LET'S SAY, THOUGHT: >> WE MUST STOP THE
GLORIFICATION OF VIOLENCE IN OUR SOCIETY.
THIS INCLUDES THE GRUESOMEE AND GRISLY VIDEO GAMES THAT ARE
NOW COMMONPLACE.
>> STEPHEN: FIRST OF ALL, THERE'S NO LINK BETWEEN VIDEO
GAMES AND SHOOTINGS.
EVERY COUNTRY HAS VIDEO GAMES.
BUT THESE TRAGEDIES ONLY HAPPEN HERE.
SECONDLY, I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR TRUMP TRY TO NAME A SINGLE VIDEO
GAME.
( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)
"THESE VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES: 'TETRIS-MUNCH,' 'GHOST MARIO,'
'GRAND THEFT PONG.'" ( LAUGHTER )
THEN, IN HIS OWN WAY, TRUMP TRIED TO HEAL A NATION.
>> NOW IS THE TIME TO SET DESTRUCTIVE PARTISANSHIP ASIDE,
SO DESTRUCTIVE, AND FIND THE COURAGE TO ANSWER HATRED WITH
UNITY, DEVOTION, AND LOVE.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "YES, WE MUST SET ASIDE PARTISAN
BICKERING OVER WHO FIRED UP THE WHITE NATIONALISTS IN OUR
COUNTRY, AND COME TOGETHER AS ONE:
(SINGING TO "KUMBAYA") ♪ SEND HER BACK, MY LORD
SEND HER BACK ♪ SOMEONE'S DIFFERENT, LORD
SEND HER BACK ♪ I'M NOT RACIST
LORD -- ( APPLAUSE )
NOT EVERYONE WAS HEEDING TRUMP'S CALL TO UNITY.
LIKE CORY BOOKER, WHO HEARD TRUMP'S SPEECH AND TEXTED THIS
TO HIS CAMPAIGN MANAGER, WHO THEN TWEETED IT:
"LISTENING TO THE PRESIDENT.
SUCH A BULL (BLEEP) SOUP OF INEFFECTIVE WORDS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY,ENING I SEE WHAT'S
HAPPENING HERE.
OKAY.
I SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE.
SO BETO SWEARS, NOW EVERYONE JUMPS ON THE CURSE WAGON.
THE NEXT DEBATE IS GOING TO BE FUN.
(AS BOOKER) "Y'KNOW, MR. VICE PRESIDENT,
THEY HAVE A SAYING IN MY COMMUNITY: YOU'RE DIPPING YOUR
SPOON IN THE BULL (BLEEP) SOUP AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE
TASTE OF ASS CROUTONS!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Jon: IS THAT A SAYING?
I HAVEN'T HEARD THAT ONE.
>> Stephen: TRUMP DEFENDED GUNS ON CAMERA,
BUT ON TWITTER, HE WAS MORE OPEN TO COMPROMISE:
"REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS MUST COME TOGETHER AND GET STRONG
BACKGROUND CHECKS, PERHAPS MARRYING DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT
DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT THIS LEGISLATION WITH DESPERATELY
NEEDED IMMIGRATION REFORM.
WE MUST HAVE SOMETHING GOOD, IF NOT GREAT, COME OUT OF THESE TWO
TRAGIC EVENTS!" (AS TRUMP)
"AND IF I KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MARRYING, IT IS ALWAYS A TRAGIC
EVENT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT LISTEN TO WHAT HE'S DOING -- ( APPLAUSE )
-- LISTEN TO WHAT HE'S TRYING TO DO HERE,
GUN CONTROL AND IMMIGRATION REFORM HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH
EACH OTHER, AND THEY'RE THE TWO HARDEST THINGS TO DO IN
WASHINGTON, SO NATURALLY HE WANTS TO COMBINE THEM.
(AS TRUMP) "CONGRESS HAS NOT BEEN ABLE TO
EAT FIRE OR LEVITATE.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, THEY SHOULD TRY TO DO THEM
BOTH AT THE SAME TIME.
( LAUGHTER ) MIGHT MAKE IT EASIER TO LEVITATE
WITH FLAMES SHOOTING OUT THEIR BUTTS."
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP WAS ABLE TO FIND AT LEAST
ONE PERSON TO DEFEND HIM, ACTING CHIEF OF STAFF MICK MULVANEY,
SEEN HERE EXPLAINING HOW TALL A PILE OF LIES HE'S ABOUT TO SPEW.
( LAUGHTER ) MULVANEY WENT ON THE SUNDAY
SHOWS AND HE POINTED OUT THAT GUN VIOLENCE HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH GUNS.
>> WE'VE HAD GUNS IN THIS COUNTRY FOR-- FOR HUNDREDS OF
YEARS.
WE HAVEN'T HAD THIS UNTIL RECENTLY AND WE NEED TO FIGURE
OUT WHY.
>> STEPHEN: OH, I KNOW WHY.
IT'S BECAUSE THOSE GUNS WE HAD HUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO WERE
SLOWER AND LESS POWERFUL.
IT'S WHY, DURING THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR, THE BRITISH
SOLDIERS VOLUNTEERED TO WEAR BRIGHT RED COATS AND STAND IN A
STRAIGHT LINE!
(AS COLONIAL BRITISH SOLDIER) "WOULD YOU MIND KILLING US MORE
QUICKLY?
IT'S NEARLY TEA TIME AND WE HAVE TO DO THIS ALL OVER AGAIN IN THE
CRIMEA."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WOW!
>> Stephen: THE CRIMEA!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MULVANEY'S MAIN ARGUMENT:
EVERYONE IS TO BLAME EXCEPT HIS BOSS.
>> THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM.
THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.
BUT THEY ARE SICK, SICK PEOPLE.
AND THE PRESIDENT KNOWS THAT.
AGAIN, JON, I DON'T THINK IT'S FAIR TO TRY AND LAY THIS AT
THE FEET OF THE PRESIDENT.
>> STEPHEN: IT'S TRUE.
YOU CAN'T LAY THIS AT THE FEET OF THE PRESIDENT, 'CAUSE THAT'S
WHERE MICK MULVANEY SLEEPS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
STAR OF HBO'S "SUCCESSION" BRIAN COX IS HERE, BUT WHEN WE RETURN,
ANOTHER TRUMP APPOINTMENT BITESt THE DUST.
STICK AROUND.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )