sometimes i get drunk and i get into
arguments with some taxi drivers and i
get out the cab and i slam the door
that's not the way to win an argument
with a taxi driver the way to win is you
get out the cab and you leave the door
open
then you have to step out come around
and close that door while he's doing
that i'm on the other side opening the
other doors
and we just keep going around and around
and around and around i got my own benny
hill situation going on and like
great
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
i go to concerts when i'm not working i
like going to see music even if it's bad
i take something from it
i just i go to a lot of rap shows i was
in montreal i wanted to see this funny
rapper riff-raff riff-raff is
entertaining to me
uh also i had a show in montreal oh i
didn't fly up for a riff rap show
let's get that straight
he is entertaining rip rap really it's
funny his show was funny because he
didn't
he just played his dj played his music
with the vocals and then he was up there
with a beard
chilling
listening to his songs and then every
now and then he will come in and say two
words and he'd go back basically he got
paid to vibe out to his own music on
stage
which is good work if you can get it i
mean the same kind of disrespectful to
his fans but nobody's seen the minds
whatever
it seemed like a fun way to approach it
i want to approach comedy like that and
just play my own i don't do it now hey
so i have a situation in my apartment
right now i have a surplus of pickle
juice in my apartment
that's too much pickle juice because
after the pickles are gone i don't like
throwing out the pickle juice it just
feels wasteful right
so lately i've been dipping my fingers
in the pickle juice
and i'm flicking all my sandwiches for
flavor
that's a fun way to do comedy right
there
[Applause]
it's way easier way easier stuff
i have weird aspirations like i really
want to kick a pigeon
[Applause]
because business walking like that
investment like you got invincible i
kick the hell out of you
you're not waiting for the bus because
you can fly
i can't kick business because there's
always people around
and if i can compare to some woman will
see oh my gosh that guy just kicked the
pigeon in broad daylight
should go home and tell her husband
honey i saw this guy kick a picture in a
broad daylight
my husband tells his boss my wife said
this guy kicked the piston in broad
daylight this boss knows somebody the
paper next thing you know front page
black dudes are kicking pigeons
there's been a flurry of pigeon king
going on the black community must be
stopped
and once saved the pigeons
must stop these pkbps pigeon kicking
black people
save the pigeons
acronyms are hilarious
i don't know why i want to kick a pigeon
i just figure to make my day better
so i kick a pigeon in the morning
something bad happens that evening i'm
like you know what that happened but i
kicked the pigeon earlier
it was relaxing and invigorating
i want to have the pigeon kicking
olympics where you get judged by the
distance that you kicked the pigeon
the number of feathers you kick off the
pigeon
and the octave of a squat
when you kick the piston like a high
pitch like
that's a gold medal right there
you get the hell out of that pissing
your goddamn warrior you deserve your
own statue in the park like yeah
i don't like the environment at all i'm
not a
environmental person
sometimes i let the water run
for 45 minutes before i hop in the
shower
just to do it keeps running it won't
stop running in fact you feel ugly it
makes me feel like the poseidon of my
apartment building
and let the water flow it just keeps
running
so wasteful but it feels awesome
you never know i might be saving
somebody say some dude is drowning
in the lake or the river or whatever
he's drowning but the water only comes
up to like right there
because i decided to play a game of
madden before i hop in the shower
i'm a hero my methods are just different
from yours
[Music]
these are tom's sunglasses right here
and on top it says give sight
cause
when
you buy a pair of sunglasses
they uh give an underprivileged kid
a pair of sunglasses
so
that kid will be hungry
but he'll look cool
that's what it's about
and maybe with his cool look
he can convince a girl to give him some
food
whenever people are going through a
struggle in life they get really cliche
they say stuff like i'm taking it one
day at a time just taking it one day at
a time you know who else is everybody
because that's how time works
that's the only way you can take time
what were you doing in a week at a time
before who are you who taught you how to
do that please teach me how to do that i
want to get through this quicker too
i don't like when people say i'll pray
for you i'm gonna pray for you praying
for you you're gonna pray for me she's
gonna sit at home and do nothing
that's what your prayers are you doing
nothing while i struggle with a
situation
don't pray for me make me a sandwich or
something
because i'm very upset right now and i
can't make my own sandwiches so that'll
be cool
if you made me a sandwich instead of
praying it was kind of lazy take action
well we'll keep hearing our thoughts
with the other boys in your head now
keep me out of your thoughts cause i
hear some of the stuff you talk about
and that's close to what you're thinking
about i don't want to be around that at
all so keep me and my family out of your
thoughts
unless you're thinking about making us
sandwiches
my favorite place that i've traveled is
new orleans like new orleans a lot
mostly because you can drink in the
street that's a big deal to be able to
drink in the street and i love going
into a bar that hey give me a jameson
ginger ale it's a goat i don't like this
place
i don't like this place i don't like the
music you're playing i think that
chair's weird i want my drink in a
plastic cup to go i'm hitting the
streets with that drink i'll go into
another bar without drinking my hand and
i'll be ahead of the game already
it's a good city though a beautiful city
good music good food good partying
so a little while ago we decided to go
my cousin's bachelor party there i'm the
best man i'm in charge of the party
that's a big responsibility i wanted to
be cool and one of my friends at
hannibal
you should hire a second line to follow
you through the street what is that
second line there's a band mostly brass
instruments so you can hire them to
follow you to the street so basically in
new orleans for 300 you can have your
own parade on a day's notice
i said this sounds great how do i do
this you got to go to the police station
they have a parades department new
orleans police has a parades department
there's homicide there's narcotics and
there's parades
there's other departments too but you
know rule of three for comedy so i go to
the police station
i want to throw a parade
how many people you're afraid
five of us
all right five people do you need help
making a route for your parade
yeah i need help making a round i'm not
from here this is your city it's not my
city this policeman in full uniform
starts helping me make a route for a
five-person parade
[Applause]
and what's real nice about it okay you
don't want to hit bourbon street too
fast probably when the start of canal
street fairyland you work your way
towards bourbon street you get on
iberville some people on that street
will probably join your parade
because strangers just join your parade
that's part of it somebody's walking by
themselves oh that looks like a very
accessible parade right
i'ma there
in that i'll walk with them for a few
blocks away safer than walking alone
and i can walk with a band behind me
that's the best side part ever
[Applause]
so now we're set we got the band book we
got our route
next day after dinner
we go to that corner waiting for us
there is the band and the three-piece
police escort because in new orleans for
three hundred dollars you can up traffic
on a day's notice
the streets are yours for a very small
price and we just started walking around
that's all you do is walk around bam
behind you police in front of you it's
the best way to walk around i've been
walking around since 1983 and this is
the most fun i had doing it
of course you got to get drink so i'll
stop at a bar hey give us five james and
gingerell's to go
this place we gotta get them parade it
happening outside
not hanging out here do you see the
energy out there sir
then when we get outside with the drinks
one of the cops says man why did you get
drinks
you should've just bought a whole bottle
of liquor beforehand
a policeman said that
that's a direct quote from a uniformed
new orleans police officer
i'm so glad i don't live there because
if i did all i'd do was drink gamble and
throw parades for myself all the time
is that him again yeah 6 30 on monday
that's hannibal time right there
i don't know why he does it on monday
that seems like a weekend thing and he
does it so early that's weird
so i got nephews and nieces i understand
my nephew's always crying i'm like dude
why are you crying your life is great
all you do is eat applesauce and take
dumps that's your day
my sister's like he's crying because
he's sleepy i'm like
why does he just go to sleep then
because that's what i do when i'm sleepy
i just go to sleep i don't stay walking
like i'm so sleepy
i'm so sleepy and exhausted i'm so tired
right now what should i do about this
hey man just go to sleep
because right now you're wasting time
you can be spending sleeping with your
crying
why aren't you a more practical baby i
think this baby's really horrible at
time management
he's allowed to manage his time more
effectively
my niece is full she's very smart too
smartphone good
she was coloring one day and i tried to
connect with her on like a coloring
level
i grabbed the red crayon put a little
red on the paper i grabbed the blue
crayon put a little blue
on the red i was like look peyton
red and blue
makes purple
she was like
i got a purple crayon right here
it's like to say that was the dumbest i
ever felt
in life and a four-year-old did it
so one night i was out it was five in
the morning having some drinks was
talking with this girl i decided to take
a swing i say how about we go back to my
place for some food and some drinks most
women would say yeah that sounds cool or
nah i'm all right but what she said was
what type of food are we talking about
and what type of drinks are we talking
about and do you expect me to have sex
with you if i come back to your place
if you come back to my place at five in
the morning and eat all my food and
drink all my drinks and you don't want
to have sex then i don't want you in my
life at all
what type of person to do something like
that that sounds like something a
sociopath would do
come to your place eat some food drink
your drinks leave at 6 30 without
like it's cool that's a passive
burglary
[Applause]
and as soon as she said that i should
have clocked this woman was crazy but i
was kind of drunk so i went oh she's
kind of quirky
she's kind of quirky and weird
so we talk for a little bit she says
stuff i say stuff she says stuff i say
stuff you know how conversation works
i think it's going well i go in for the
kiss she says what you think you can
just kiss me western men and men in
general think they're entitled to
whatever they want from women you
objectify us she started going on this
weird feminist rant hey it's fine if you
want to be a feminist but i think five
in the morning after the bar closes is a
weird time to jump on your soap box
[Applause]
yes five in the morning everybody wants
to
that's why they stayed out till five
because it didn't happen at two
so we keep talking for some reason she
wants to know my address she's showing
answers i tell her the address then we
want to go a little further she wants to
know the address plus the cross street
and she texts it to herself after i tell
her i say what's wrong she says i have
to be safe
three out of ten women that get raped
don't report and i said one out of one
dudes is walking away from this
conversation
and she said what's wrong i said you're
a crazy person that's what's wrong and
right now it sounds kind of risky to
hang out with you
and i didn't notice about myself until
today but i don't hang out with anybody
that quotes rape statistics there's
nobody in my life that does that that's
such a weird trait to have i'm a black
man in scotland on a workpiece you
talking about rape they're gonna believe
any you say
i gotta go
but super drunk women can't handle
rejection she was just trying to explain
how please let me explain no you've
explained enough with your words how
about why was wrong you are insane lady
that's what's wrong how do i just want
to educate people this is a weird ass
time for that type of class
however why come on no go away lady give
me 30 seconds to explain no i don't want
to talk with you i don't please stop
walking away get away from it hey lady
you're acting like a rapist right now
i told you i don't want to talk with you
but you won't talk to me you are raping
my eardrums i feel real threatened no
means no
[Applause]
you