[Sexplanations with Dr. Doe]
This is Hank Green, the producer of Sexplanations,
leader of nerd culture,
a godfather of YouTube, and a monogamist.
I am ... at least two of those things.
(LINDSEY LAUGHS)
Well, out there, I try to be modest in public.
In private, I'm not modest at all.
Yeah, then you climb in the sex swing, you totally know what you're doing.
HANK: I did, if you follow me on Snapchat you maybe got to see me in the sex swing.
"hankgre"
Don't miss any chance to publicize your Snapchat.
Ever.
I don't have one. (HANK GASPS)
You want to talk to me about monogamy.
Yes. I want to know how you came to identify as a monogamist.
I have always been kind of a norm-follower.
I guess there are times when I feel like...
...I'm not cut out for the thing I'm expected to do.
But that was never the case with monogamy.
Ooh! So you feel like you're cut out for monogamy?
Yeah.
What makes a person cut out for monogamy, in your opinion?
I like enjoying it.
(LINDSEY LAUGHS)
Like, appreciating it for all of its various things,
and whether that's as simple as, like, watching my friends date,
and being like, "That looks hard,"
(LINDSEY LAUGHS)
"And annoying."
Or, you know, just really enjoying an evening alone with my wife, and my dog, and my cat.
Having this person who knows everything there is to know about me, knowing everything there is to know about them.
And really liking each other, and not being annoyed by each other, for the most part.
That's, like, I feel like the key to a really successful romantic relationship...
...is finding someone who doesn't annoy you.
(BOTH LAUGHING) She's at home being like, "Oh, wow. You annoy me."
So, what does monogamy mean to you?
Having a relationship in which you only...
...love, and... have sex with one person.
I guess beyond "have sex with" also, like, you know, "have romantic relationship with."
So: single romance.
Yeah, single romance.
What do you want people to know about monogamy?
That it's more than about just you and your partner.
You know, let people into that. It's really important --has been really important to me--
to have support outside of my marriage for my marriage.
I mean, both of our parents are still married.
That's really nice, because you can ask...
...advice of someone who's done it for longer than you.
I have a brother who is also married,
and they have been married around the exact amount of time as us.
So it's also nice to have people to talk to--
--Peers?--
--who have that same amount of experience.
And then I have a lot of friends who are married. And I also really- I like to be able to help...
...friends with, you know, any issues that they're having, as well.
In a way, talking about other people's problems helps you understand your own.
Can you share a memory of your experience with monogamy?
We were going to go over to a friend's house --this was New Year's--
and then we realized that if we went to our friend's house,
that we would have to drive home and so only one of us could get wasted.
And that was just unacceptable.
So instead, we just got wasted by ourselves and listened to hip-hop music, and did dubsmash videos.
And that was one of my favorite memories from this year.
It's like the first memory of the year!
I guess, yes.
Yeah, that was. Yeah. So, my favorite memories of maybe my marriage.
One of my favorite, favorite things --and this doesn't happen all the time--
is just like, sitting in bed and talking.
About like hard stuff or like the world
or...
you know, our past.
Do you feel like you renegotiate monogamy? Or it's just "standard default"?
I think every anniversary...I like to write down like the reasons why I'm glad I'm married to Katherine.
And give that to her. Try to do that, anyway.
Which was really helpful for me, too, because it's like, "Oh, yeah,"
"All this stuff that's really nice in my life!"
Under what conditions would you consider non-monogamy?
Um...
I mean, I would...
Divorce?
Is that what you mean?
Um... (HANK LAUGHS)
I mean, for me what comes to mind are things like, "My partner is not able or does not want to have sex,
and I want that as a healthy part of a relationship."
"And so I still want this partnership, and..."
Or, "We've negotiated these terms, or..."
Yeah, I mean, that's very outside of my current experience.
So it's very hard to say.
Even outside of sexually, there hasn't been a conversation around conditions in which you would be non-monogamous?
No.
That's...hardcore monogamy.
Well, like the "guillt-free three" thing?
What's the guilt-free three...?
Guilt-free three, like that's the three people that if you had the opportunity to have sex with that person...
Oh, "hall passes"!
Yeah...
We...
We don't have one of those.
As in, there will be guilt.
Yes.
"Don't you dare."
Well I mean, even if there was a "guilt-free three," there would be guilt.
I have, like, a dream about another girl, I feel guilty.
In the dream.
I'll be like, "I can't do this. I have to go."
"Why did I get in this situation?"
What advice would you give to people, about monogamy?
I think that the longer you know someone, the easier it is to think that you know what they think all the time.
And that leads to really bad communication.
When you're like, "I already know how you feel about this. I'm not even going to ask."
Hank, that's brilliant! You're so self aware!
So that's the thing that I try to notice when it's being done to me,
try to notice when I'm doing it to Katherine.
It's actually much easier to notice when it's being done to you than to notice when you're doing it.
So how do you call it out?
Um...carefully.
And not at the moment when I'm annoyed.
So it's like: set an alarm for 6 hours and talk about it then.
Let's have Hank Green be a therapist! This is great.
(HANK LAUGHS)
Well, thank you, Hank, for coming to my red couch,
and talking with me about monogamy.
You're welcome.
This was fun.
Good!
I'm glad, and if you want to see more of his content,
and more of his thoughts on monogamy...
We've got some links!
(HANK LAUGHS) I don't think I've talked about monogamy anywhere else...
I guess I did. I made a video on monogamy once.
BOTH: Yeah.
BOTH: Stay curious!
OK, what about lingo?
Lingo?
Yep, any monogamy...specific lingo?
I said... "Katherine is my wife."
I say, "We are married." I don't say "partner."
Or S.O.?
I don't say "S.O." I don't say, "Person I have sex with."
...which is how you introduced your boyfriend to me once.
(HANK LAUGHS)
Yup, I did that!
(BOTH LAUGH)