The Democrats.
Now, you guys may be too young to remember this.
Back in the day, they used to run these streets.
At one time, they had everything.
They had the House, the Senate,
and a black president who spoke English.
Anyway, after eight years of impotence,
the House Democrats are back in command.
-And it turns out... -(cheering and applause)
and it turns out that they won the election so hard last week
that they're still picking up seats.
Every day, we learn of a new seat
that the Democrats have won.
Basically, the elections have turned from a one-day event
into the credits of a Marvel movie.
It just never ends. It's like, "Well, that was a great mo--
"Oh, there's more? Oh, okay.
"Another one. I got-- Oh, oh, still more?
"All right, all right. We-- I guess we have--
"Oh, I only paid for five hours of parking.
(chuckles) Okay."
So, so now that the Democrats are back in control
of the House, they're making some big plans for next year.
REPORTER: Winning the majority gives Democrats
the power to set the House agenda.
REPORTER 2: Democrats winning control of the House
makes Nancy Pelosi the presumptive speaker.
She's already laid out her top three policy priorities:
campaign finance and ethics reform,
lower drug prices, and infrastructure.
Thanks to you, tomorrow will be a new day in America.
(applause and cheering)
"Yeah, a new day in America!
"Not so new that I'm not still in charge,
"but still kind of new!
New-ish. The new show on ABC."
Now, look, I joke about Nancy being in charge for a long time,
but she is right.
There is a lot of new faces coming into Washington.
In fact, the incoming freshman class of Democrats
is being called the most diverse ever.
Check out this photo. Look at that.
That's who's coming in. That is so diverse, it's insane.
(applause and cheering)
It looks like...
It looks like a stock photo in a college brochure.
That's what it looks like.
And it's not just the Democrats. The Republicans have also
welcomed their most diverse group ever.
Look at that, huh? Look at that.
They have... they have old white guys,
they've got young white guys, they've got bald white guys,
they've got balding white guys, they got white guys with hair,
they got the white guy from SNL.
And the one guy who I think is Latino,
but if they start rounding them up,
I'm pretty sure he's going to be white.
So many different types of white guys.
But the Democrats will have the power
to investigate the Trump administration,
and they're definitely planning to use that power.
Democrats have flipped control of the House, and thus,
Washington is bracing for an onslaught of investigations.
Democrats are loading what they are calling a "subpoena canon"
with more than 85 Trump targets.
Come January, we get subpoena power.
We can subpoena relevant documents, subpoena witnesses.
And it's really too late for Donald Trump
to put the horse back in the barn.
Wow. Subpoena canon. Poor Trump.
For the next two years, he's gonna be in subpoena hell.
There's gonna be subpoenas
popping out at him for everywhere.
Gonna be opening up his KFC bucket.
"Drumstick? No subpoena."
Reaching for a towel in the bathroom.
"Aah! Subpoena! Damn you!"
Every night, he's gonna wake up in a cold sweat.
Like, "Aah, subpoena!
"Melania, I had the scariest dream.
I thought... Oh, it's a subpoena!"
(laughter)
"Are you in the mood, subpoena?"
And if you're wondering what specifically
the Democrats will investigate Trump over--
uh, his taxes, collusion with Russia--
the answer is "yes."
"Yes" to everything.
And listening to the future chairwoman
of the powerful House Appropriations Committee,
it seems like they're really gonna enjoy it.
Should the majority look into these issues related
to President Trump that has come up?
-The Space Force? -Yes.
-James Comey's firing? -Yes.
-The travel ban? -Yes.
-The family separation policy? -Absolutely.
-Hurricane relief in Puerto Rico? -Oh!
White House staff use of personal e-mail?
Oh, for sure.
I wish I enjoyed sex as much as she enjoys investigating Trump.
(laughter)
"Mmm. Absolutely.
Oh, for sure."
Now, look, I-I hope for her sake and for the Democrats
that the plan isn't just to run around
investigating all of Trump's flaws, right?
Because, although there are many issues worth investigating,
things like Space Force don't rise to that level.
And Democrats need to be strategic
about what they investigate.
Because Republicans have already come up with a response.
WOMAN: President Trump tweeting
about what his future could hold
under a Democrat-controlled House.
"The prospect of presidential harassment
by the Dems is causing the stock market big headaches."
Using the same term
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell used just last week.
The Democrats in the House will have to decide
just how much presidential harassment
they think is good strategy.
I'm not so sure it'll work for them.
Wow. Mitch McConnell is brilliant.
It's no longer congressional oversight.
Now it's "presidential harassment.
Mah. Yeah, they're harassing the president. Uh, uh."
How can the most powerful man in the world be the victim?
This is like God complaining about being bullied.
"They said I look like Santa."
(laughter)
(crying): "And that's why I sent the volcano."
But, look, we joke around,
but presidential harassment is a serious issue in America.
(laughter)
Which is why, before the Democrats take power,
they're gonna have to watch this video.
If you're watching this,
you just won back the House of Representatives.
Congrats, socialists.
But before you take charge,
here's what you need to know about...
presidential harassment.
For starters, don't try to touch the president's intimate areas,
like his tax returns.
That's a private area that's reserved
for the president's wife and his Russian investors.
Oh.
On the other hand, do look for cues
that you're making the president uncomfortable.
Watch his body language to see if he becomes
protective of his space. In this way,
the president is a lot like a rabid raccoon.
And finally, do let him harass you.
And believe me, he will harass you.
That may seem unfair, but think of the president as a stripper.
He can touch you, but you can't touch him,
even if you fell in love with her six years ago,
bought her a car.
So there you have it.
Creating a comfortable work environment for the president
is easy as long as you just do whatever he wants.
And if you ever wonder, should you impeach the president,
think of this helpful acronym--
"N" as in "No."
Guess we just could have said "no."
That concludes the presidential harassment seminar.
Up next: Jared-- what exactly does he do again?
Michael Kosta, everyone.