Hey, everybody.
It's Kalen Allen.
And today is very special, because I'm going
to do a "Kalen Reacts to" who?
Kalen Allen.
OK, so the next video we're going to do is "Fried Milk."
Now, the funny thing about fried milk
I was very unhinged.
I know I said that I don't usually watch vid,
but I did watch this one.
And the reason why I watched this video
is because I knew how insane I was when I filmed it.
And also, when I read the comments people were like,
what's going on?
But it's one of my favorites.
This is a terrible angle.
Let me peel.
I used to be looking like anything in these reaction
videos.
Ooh, yeah, I thought it was horchata.
I love horchata.
OK, cornstarch and milk.
Yeah, thicken it up.
Oh, some kind of cream.
Maybe it's a pie.
[LAUGHS] Why did I think it was a pie?
What kind of pie was this gonna be?
OK.
Wait, is that the milk?
Refrigerate?
For what?
Uh-huh.
What?
Oh!
Real jiggly.
What's that jelly thing?
That's nasty.
What you gonna do with that?
Popsicle stick.
Ooh!
This is crazy.
You put it in the flour, put it in the egg.
Not no deep fried milk!
I think you're supposed to do the egg, then the flour.
Ooh!
[LAUGHS] Uh-uh.
Nasty, nasty, jiggly, jiggly.
[LAUGHS] Ha!
Nasty, nasty, jiggly, jiggly.
Well, after watching that--
Here we go!
--y'all know what is coming.
It is time for Kalen's Countertop!
Kalen's Countertop!
And today I'm making fried mother [BLEEP] milk, baby.
Ah!
And I be cursing!
We got--
That's a good little title sequence.
Let me show y'all.
Ooh.
Uh-huh.
Why did I think milk was more heavy than that?
Can you see it?
And I'm going to add a little lemon peel.
Now, from the video, I got to peel this like--
I'm sitting down.
--I'm cutting a potato.
If I'm sitting down, you already know I'm tired.
Woo!
Thank God I've been going to the gym, Jesus,
It's a tough-ass lemon.
Where did y'all get this lemon from?
It's the fact that I am cursing--
Bam!
--let's you know how unhinged I was.
Like a dollop of Daisy.
This was daytime television, y'all!
Can't be cursing like that.
I'm licking the cinnamon stick.
Does cinnamon actually not have a taste?
Is it all about the aroma?
And my eyes are red.
Put that in there, too.
Ooh, this would be a good candle!
[LAUGHS]
Do I just need to add wax to this?
[LAUGHS] Why would I add wax to milk?
Hot sex is what I said.
[LAUGHS]
Unhinged.
Kind of smells like a cookie.
Ooh, like a snickerdoodle mixed with lemon.
Milk-- this is milk.
Is this whole or 2%?
Then we're going to put the cornstarch in.
The cornstarch, it's gonna get real thick.
I put cornstarch-- oh, [BLEEP].
[I put cornstarch also in my peach cobbler.]
[LAUGHS] Cursing again!
[I'm still worried about this.]
I'm gonna stir these all at the same time.
OK.
See, look, multitasking.
I'm a pro whisker.
Oh, my god!
I'm a whisk taker.
A whisk taker?
I'm pretty sure our producer gave me that joke--
Camille.
--pouring it into the sauce pan.
But I'm supposed--
OK, pour it into--
--right, first?
OK.
Oh, my gosh, Kalen, what is going on?
Look, I'm spilling milk.
Put this in here with the milk and mix this concoction
together.
I was told I had to pour it from that side.
It's milk everywhere!
Oh, I got to turn the heat up!
And we got to stir it til it thickens.
Turning the heat up, stir until it thickens.
It smell good.
I keep talking about how good it smells.
How many times am I going to say that?
Maybe Christmas morning.
(SINGING) Fa-foo, fa-foo--
Now I start singing, the Grinch.
(SINGING) --fa-bet.
Don't even know what I'm singing,
and neither did the captions.
Guess what it's not doing?
Getting thick.
I'm thicker than this damn milk.
Ooh!
[LAUGHS]
Maybe I need to let it sit.
I said I was thicker than the milk.
You was in science class, right?
Ooh, look at my emoji.
Y'all know how atoms work, and particles?
Now we're going on a tangent about atoms.
--of turning the liquids to a solid?
It's got to be stable--
Uh-huh.
--at a certain degree.
Uh-huh.
I don't know if that's true or not.
I didn't do too well on the science part on the ACT.
Yeah, I did not do good on the ACT science part.
Ooh, perfect.
Stay in school.
[Oh, something's happening here...]
Stay in school.
[I see some different colors.]
Uh-oh.
We've got different colors.
Or it could be the cornstarch.
Oh, it is thickening up!
I wasn't in charge of preparing the ingredients.
Why am I spilling stuff?
So if you want a thick ass, eat cornstarch.
Ha!
He said, "so if you want to thick ass, eat cornstarch."
[--and I'm gonna pour it up into this buttered bowl.]
Ridiculous.
Are you kidding me?
What is wrong?
Actually, this is great for my pores.
I'm getting high off of milk.
Ha!
I say I'm getting high off of milk with red eyes.
--cool down to room temperature.
[YAWNS] Tired.
There I am yawning, which is a clue as to why
this is so crazy.
--today.
But there's skim milk--
And now I'm talking about milk.
--2% milk, there's lactose-free milk--
What were these shoots?
OMKalen was crazy.
There is--
We was doing anything!
This is an 8-minute video--
[LAUGHS] and I'm just talking about milk!
Then we started getting almond milk,
oat milk, then there was a time when folks was trying
to get all political about--
Political about milk?
--but we still got breast milk.
What?
Oh, talking about breast milk.
Yeah, that's room temperature-- if we was in hell.
[LAUGHS]
What is going on?
I'll see y'all in three hours.
OK, we put it in the fridge for three hours.
That was a lie-- we already had one prepped.
--is all slanted.
OK.
Now the stool about to fall.
I got to act like I just came from the refrigerator.
This ain't three hours later.
And viola.
We definitely did not do that.
Here it is--
OK.
--fresh from my refrigerator--
Fresh from the refrigerator.
--the good old milk.
Wow, it just flopped out of there.
OK, now we're going to cut the milk.
Cut the milk.
That's me looking at the directions.
Clearly they was underneath the camera.
That's nasty!
Look at it!
This is gross!
Oh, this is so frickin' gross!
Oh, Kalen, you're taking too long.
Just cut the damn thing.
Y'all really be bored in life.
This is a big Popsicle, and I--
Big old Popsicle.
--am a little concerned.
Yeah, I remember that.
The Popsicle sticks were too big--
There we go!
--for the thing we had.
--so the flour first.
So here we go.
See, I talked about how we should-- oh,
it start falling apart.
Damn!
There I am, cursing again.
Damn!
This is crazy.
I told y'all this was too damn mean.
We should have premiered this on late night.
Good God Almighty.
Let's try it out with this one.
OK.
I'm doing another one.
I have been told--
OK, that one stayed together.
I was not gentle at all with this.
That's why they keep ripping.
I hope the oil's hot enough.
Oh, OK, we did fry it on a pan.
The oil was not hot enough, because what?
The stove top was janky!
And now I'm throwing it.
Sticks its landings.
I really hate that we didn't let the crew make noise,
because I know folks was laughing
when they were filming this.
I know that Tyler was back there hee-hee-haw-hawing.
Look.
This is a mess.
My skin look good though.
Dang.
Now, why did I do that?
I just poured the whole thing on there.
The cinnamon and sugar mix--
Now I'm sneezing.
I look half-dead.
Oh, my god.
Y'all, look at this.
That was a mess.
Uh-uh, look at my eyes!
They are bloodshot red.
Hm, it's not terrible.
Yeah, it wasn't terrible.
You got cinnamon in your beard, Kalen.
Nobody told me.
I feel like I wouldn't be able to eat this,
because it's too slimy.
They got me looking crazy on camera.
I think Karter would have really enjoyed this.
Oh, look at baby Karter!
Jiggle, jiggle, baby.
Well, that was
All these jokes I know came from a producer--
the corny ones.
[Comment below to let me if you tried this fried milk]
concoction.
And also, if you decide to this week,
I would love to see you make this yourself and try it.
Just send me the video.
OK.
I would like to see it.
But until next time, bye bye.
Let's talk about fried milk.
So, the reason why I was so unhinged-- now,
in the comments, everybody was like,
"is Kalen high," because my eyes were so red.
So we started, I want to say maybe 8:00 AM.
We shot three videos back to back to back,
and so by the time we got to the third video, to shoot it,
I was exhausted.
That's why my eyes are so red.
I'm about to fall asleep.
I can't stay up.
And this is also why I don't go out past 10:30
at night, because if I am tired, oh, honey,
I don't know what you're going to get from me.
I don't know what kind of Kalen you're gonna get, you know?
And I was just like, we're just going to do this video
and what happens, happens.
And I was just going off the rails.
The very next day, I went to a taping of
"Dancing With the Stars."
And as I was walking in, people are stopping me.
They were like, oh, my gosh, yesterday Kalen was so funny.
You were just off the rails.
And honey, I honestly think we got in trouble
for this episode.
I'm pretty sure we got in trouble for this episode.
I understand why.
Because I just cursed through this whole entire thing
and didn't nobody bleep out anything.
When I think back to if I would have done anything differently
from this video--
absolutely not.
And the reason why I say that is that those
were the best moments.
The memories of those moments when things went wrong.
I think that the comedy of life exists
within the imperfections.
I think if life was always great all the time--
I'm the type of person, if I'm walking down the street,
or if I'm walking somewhere and I fall, I'ma laugh.
But I'm not going to sit there and be embarrassed, or cry,
or be upset.
I'm gonna laugh because that's funny.
I remember one time when I was in elementary school,
it was picture day, and I just thought
I had the flyest outfit on.
And I got up and I was like, ooh, yeah,
I'm about to go take my picture now.
I'm going to be looking real good.
I'll be looking better than y'all.
And baby, I was walking to the door and fell flat on my face,
and I thought it was the funniest thing in the world.
I think that's also where my comedy derives from.
When people ask me-- all the time they're like, Kalen,
where did you get so funny?
How did you become so comedic?
And the answer really is, trauma.
Trauma did it.
That's why I'm so funny.
That's the story behind Kalen's Countertop and fried milk.