[ Cheers and applause ]
-These are two of our writers, everybody.
That´s Amber and that´s Jenny.
-I´m black. -And I´m gay.
-And we´re both women.
-And I´m not.
So, here´s how this works.
I´ll read the setups for these jokes
and Amber and Jenny will read the punch lines, here goes.
Starbucks recently hired its first black female C.O.O.
-Or as her coworkers call her, Venti Cocoa Mochaccino.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-It was announced recently that the upcoming lesbian reboot
of the show, "Xena, Warrior Princess"
has been canceled.
-So if you want to watch a show for lesbians,
you´ll have to watch "Monday Night Football."
[ Audience groans ]
-And, Jenny -- Jenny, do you like football?
-Ugh, No. If I want to see someone wearing
a bunch of pads, I´ll go to a Natalie Merchant concert
during a full moon.
-Whose Natalie merchant?
-Oh, I can take this. She´s who you played
when you wanted to make out with a girl in 1993.
-Did it work?
-Yes. -Yes.
[ Laughter ]
Former White House Communications Director
Anthony Scaramucci reportedly has a minority stake
in the New York Mets.
-Coincidentally, minority steak is what Donald Trump calls
barbecued ribs.
[ Audience groans ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-San Francisco was recently named
the most popular destination for gay people.
-While the most popular destination
for closeted gay people is the Vatican.
-Oh.
[ Audience gasps ] [ Applause ]
I -- I didn´t know that.
-It´s true.
Hey, Seth, you know what lesbians and nuns
have in common? -What?
-They´re lesbians. -Huh.
[ Light laughter ]
A rare white lobster was caught recently in the Gulf of Maine.
-But since it was white, it got to live.
[ Audience groans ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Several conservatives have suggested that Hurricane Harvey
was God´s punishment for Houston electing a lesbian mayor.
-That´s ridiculous.
If God wanted to punish a lesbian,
He´d make her a bridesmaid.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-A University of Memphis police officer is suing
the school for reverse discrimination.
-Reverse discrimination is like regular discrimination,
except it doesn´t exist.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-A group of parents in an Alabama school
recently started a petition to have the rainbow flag
outside a teacher´s classroom taken down,
saying it´s the same as the Confederate flag.
-And it is, except the gays won.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Oh!
Whoa, daddy!
Aah!
Hey, Seth, why don´t you tell one?
-No I couldn´t, you guys. -Oh, come on, just one.
-No, I feel like if I do I´ll get in trouble,
and it won´t end well. -Please, Seth, please.
-Come on, buddy. -Yeah!
-Do it! Do it! -Do it, Seth!
-Do it! -Okay!
[ Cheers and applause ]
They´re so behind me, I´ll never lose them.
[ Laughter ]
Today was National Scotch Day.
"I´ll have two fingers," said lesbians.
-Seth, no!
-Where did all the applause go?
[ Light laughter ]
-Seth!
-You told me it would be okay!
-Very bad. -Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, I´m sorry. Let me try another one.
-Okay. [ Light laughter ]
-New York´s Lincoln Center recently hosted
a national Double-Dutch competition and the winner was,
I´m guessing, black.
[ Light laughter ]
-How dare you?
-You should be ashamed of yourself!
-Well, were they?
-Yes, they were. -Okay.
[ Cheers and applause ]
We´ll be right back with more "Late Night" everybody.