YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT SPEND A LOT OF TIME OVER THERE,
SPRINKLING THE SILK SHEETS WITH ROSE PETALS AND CHILLING A
MAGNUM OF DOM PERIGNON, TO CREATE THE PERFECT ROMANTIC
EVENING OF NEWS THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO RUN TO RITE AID AT THE LAST MINUTE,
PICK THROUGH THE DAMAGED CANDY BOXES OF LEFTOVER STORIES, SLAP
A RIBBON ON A BOTTLE OF COUGH SYRUP, AND SCRATCH OUT SOME OF
THE DETAILS ON A "HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDPA" CARD, TO CREATE THE
HALF-ASSED VALENTINE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: THAT'S MY VALENTINE.
THAT'S MY VALENTINE RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S IT.
NOTHING MAKES ME HAPPIER.
MEANWHILE, FRIDAY IS VALENTINE'S DAY.
AND AFTER A BAD YEAR AND THE COMPANY NEARLY GOING BANKRUPT,
THE "SWEETHEARTS CONVERSATION HEARTS ARE BACK."
HOWEVER, HOWEVER, THEY "DID NOT HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO SET UP THE
MANUFACTURING PROCESS" AND "NOT ALL OF THE HEARTS WILL HAVE
SAYINGS PRINTED ON THEM."
ALSO, THEY WON'T BE SHAPED LIKE HEARTS, THEY WON'T BE FUN
COLORS, AND THEY ARE NOW MEATBALLS.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
MEANWHILE, THIS VIDEO WENT VIRAL THIS WEEKEND OF COSMO THE
COUGAR, THE OFFICIAL MASCOT OF THE MORMON BRIGHAM YOUNG
UNIVERSITY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LOOK WHAT YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH WHEN YOU'RE NOT WASTING YOUR
TIME HAVING PREMARITAL SEX.
( LAUGHTER )
ON FACEBOOK IS IT'S 'LAME' AND YOU SHOULD DELETE IT," BECAUSE
IF THERE'S ANYONE I TRUST TO TELL ME WHAT'S COOL, IT'S
ELON MUSK.
YEAH!
THAT IS SO NOT LAME!
MEANWHILE, MEANWHILE, "KEITH RICHARDS HAS QUIT SMOKING."
WELL, I'M GLAD HE'S TAKING CARE OF HIMSELF BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MOISTURIZE.
YOU GOT TO MOIZ MOYERIZE.
MEANWHILE, IN ROMANCE NEWS, THE SAN ANTONIO ZOO IS HOLDING A
FUNDRAISER IN WHICH YOU CAN "NAME A COCKROACH AFTER YOUR
EX AND WATCH AN ANIMAL EAT IT ON VALENTINE'S DAY FOR JUST $5."
BY THE WAY, THAT SCENE IS ALSO IN THE DIRECTOR'S CUT OF
"MARRIAGE STORY."
BY THE WAY, NAMING A COCKROACH AFTER YOUR EX AND WATCHING IT
GET DEVOURED IS THE PERFECT WAY TO SAY, "SCREW YOU, STACY!
AND, ALSO, YOU CLEARLY MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE, STACY!"
BUT IF A COCKROACH ISN'T ENOUGH, "YOU CAN PAY $20 MORE TO HAVE
THEM NAME A RAT AND FEED IT TO A REPTILE INSTEAD, AND THE ZOO
PLANS TO STREAM THE FEEDINGS ON FACEBOOK LIVE."
AND I THINK WE HAVE A PICTURE OF ONE OF THE FACEBOOK REPTILES.
YES.
LOOK AT THOSE COLD, DEAD EYES.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, "SEX FOR UNMARRIED PEOPLE IN VIRGINIA
MIGHT BE LEGAL SOON," BECAUSE UNTIL NOW, IT WAS ACTUALLY
"ILLEGAL FOR PEOPLE IN VIRGINIA TO HAVE CONSENSUAL SEX OUTSIDE
OF MARRIAGE."
SHOCKING, I KNOW.
BUT IT'S ALWAYS BEEN RIGHT THERE IN THEIR SLOGAN: "VIRGINIA
IS FOR OVER-THE-PANTS STUFF."
( LAUGHTER )
PODCASTER NAMED DAVE DAUBENMIRE SAYS HE WANTS TO SUE THE N.F.L.
BECAUSE THE SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW MADE HIM HORNY.
( LAUGHTER )
TIME SHOW.
BECAUSE I WOULD HATE TO THINK HE WAS AROSED BY LEFT SHARK.
APPARENTLY, WHAT GOT DAUBENMIRE ALL DAUBENMIRED UP WAS THE PEPSI
HALFTIME SHOW FEATURING SHAKIRA AND JENNIFER LOPEZ.
DAUBENMIRE TOOK TO THE INTERNET TO VENT HIS VERY SPECIFIC
PROBLEMS WITH IT.
>> I SAW A LOT OF CROTCH SHOTS-- DARE I SAY THAT?
CROTCH SHOTS FROM LAST NIGHT'S SUPERBOWL.
I'M LOOKING FOR A LAWYER OUT THERE, OR SOMEBODY WHO WOULD
JOIN ME IN A CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT AGAINST PEPSI, THE
N.F.L., MY LOCAL CABLE COMPANY.
I DON'T KNOW WHO ALL WE WOULD SUE, BUT SUE AS MANY PEOPLE AS
WE WANT TO FOR PANDERING PORNOGRAPHY.
JENNIFER LOPEZ, BY THE WAY, IS 50 YEARS OLD.
50 YEARS OLD, FOLKS.
I'M GONNA SAY THIS AGAIN REALLY, REALLY SLOW.
J-LO IS 50.
YOU GO ON YOUR PORN WEBSITE, YOU'RE NOT LOOKING FOR
50-YEAR-OLD WOMEN.
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR 24-YEAR-OLD WOMEN.
>> Stephen: EXCUSE ME?
PORN ENTHUSIASTS DON'T WANT TO SEE 50-YEAR-OLD WOMEN, SIR?
DOES THE TERM "MILF" MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?
NO!
I'M SORRY, I'M ANGRY!
BUT I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED AS TO HOW DAUBENMIRE THINKS HE'S GOING
TO WIN THIS LAWSUIT, SO I'VE INVITED HIM HERE TO EXPLAIN.
PLEASE WELCOME REVERAND DAVE DAUBENMIRE!
>> HELLO, STEPHEN.
HI, THERE.
HELLO, STEPHEN.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME ON YOUR FILTHY, LATE-NIGHT,
SIN-AND-JAZZ-MUSIC REVUE.
>> Stephen: MY PLEASURE, SIR.
MY FIRST QUESTION IS CAN YOU REALLY SUE THE SUPER BOWL FOR
HAVING SEXY DANCERS?
>> OH, IT WASN'T JUST THE DANCERS.
EVERYTHING IN THAT HALFTIME SHOW SHUDDERED WITH PURE EROTICISM:
THE LIGHTS, THE SHAPE OF THE FOOTBALL, THE PEPSI LOGO.
I MEAN, LOOK AT IT!
IT'S A DOLPHIN GOING TO TOWN ON ITSELF UNDER A RED UMBRELLA!
TOTALLY OBVIOUS.
>> Stephen: I DON'T SEE IT.
BUT, SIR, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST CHANGE THE CHANNEL?
>> THAT WOULDN'T WORK, STEPHEN.
THIS FILTH IS EVERYWHERE.
YOU'VE GOT THOSE GOLDEN GIRLS SHAKING THEIR BATHROBED BUTTS
THIS WAY AND THAT.
THEN THE COMMERCIALS START, AND YOU'VE GOT THAT DEPRAVED
KOOL-AID MAN, WITH HIS FULL ROUND CURVES, THAT ROCK-HARD
HANDLE, RED FROTHY JUICE SLOSHING UP AND DOWN THE SIDES
THE JUG.
NO WALL CAN KEEP HIM IN!
>> Stephen: OKAY!
THAT'S ALL WE HAVE TIME FOR.
WELL, I HOPE YOUR HALFTIME LAWSUIT GOES WELL.
>> I'M ALSO SUING "JUGZ" MAGAZINE!
I BOUGHT A COPY, AND IT ONLY HAD HUMAN WOMEN.
WHERE ARE THE HUMANOID JUICE MEN?
>> Stephen: YOU'VE DISTURBED MY AUDIENCE, SIR.
>> I KNOW.
>> Stephen: YOU SEEM VERY SERIOUS ABOUT THIS.
>> I'M COMING FOR YOU, JUICE MAN!
>> Stephen: DAVE DAUBENMIRE, EVERYONE!
>> YOU TOO, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JULIE LOUIS-DREYFUS.