-Here at "Late Night," every night, I deliver
a monologue comprised of jokes written by
a diverse team of writers.
As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk
that, due to my being a straight white male,
would be difficult for me to deliver,
but we don't think that should stop from you enjoying them.
So, we'd like the share them with you now
in a segment called "Jokes Seth Can't Tell."
♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]
-These are two of our writers, Amber and Jenny, everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I'm black. -And I'm gay.
-And we're both women.
-And I'm not. So, I'll read the jokes
and Amber and Jenny will read the punchlines.
Here we go.
The company Glade is currently selling
a scented candle called Warm Flannel Embrace.
-Warm Flannel Embrace, or as lesbians call it,
first base.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Seth: Ice cream company Cold Stone Creamery
recently introduced a limited edition
black ice cream for Halloween.
-The ice cream itself is not limited,
just society's expectations of it.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Archaeologists have discovered a 20-inch-long statue
of a stone penis.
-"Ugh, that's weird," said lesbians about every penis.
[ Laughter ]
-Historians recently marked the 400th anniversary
of the first slave ship landing in North America.
-What you do get for the 400th anniversary again?
Oh, that's right, reparations.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-According to a recent article, Mayor Pete Buttigieg
only packed four shirts for his bus tour around Iowa.
-Said lesbians, "Why do you need four shirts?"
[ Laughter ]
-Jenny, what's your favorite shirt?
-Well, I'm a lesbian, so it's a denim button down,
but I'm a mom, so it's a denim button down.
-Oh, okay. [ Laughter ]
-The world's first vagina museum is opening in London.
-Men are allowed, but they don't know what to do
once they get in there. [ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
-Just sort of -- just sort of bang around, right?
[ Laughter ]
-Victoria's Secret has announced the hiring
of its first plus-size model.
-And this is cool, she'll be working in the stockroom.
[ Laughter ]
-National Pancake Day was last month.
-Finally, a day to celebrate white women's flat asses.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-Oh, no. I forgot to get my wife a gift.
[ Laughter ]
Ah!
The next one is about women, so either of you can tell it.
Which one of you is going to? -Neither of us.
We brought a friend to do it. Come on out!
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Cheering continues ]
-Hey --
[ Cheering continues ]
-Gloria Steinem, everybody!
Thank you so much for being here.
-I can't believe I'm here. I'm delighted to be here.
-Okay. Are you ready? -Yeah, I think so.
-All right, let's do this.
The makers of the game Monopoly have announced
they're coming out with a female version of the game
called Ms. Monopoly.
-It's just like regular Monopoly, but when you pass go,
you only get $158,
and that's only if you're white.
[ Laughter ]
-Very, very nice. That was great.
That was really great. -Okay, but now it's your turn.
Why don't you tell one? -Oh, yes.
You know, I would tell one, but I feel like
it just wouldn't go well. -Oh, come on.
-Seth, you got to tell one. -Yeah.
-No, I feel, like I'll get in trouble if I do one of these.
-Oh, no. -Okay, I trust all of you,
especially you, Gloria Steinem. [ Laughter ]
NASA recently held their first all-female space walk.
They got lost.
-How dare you!
-You told me it would be okay!
-It's the guys who need the map.
-Oh, my God! -Seth, shame on you!
-Black women and lesbians and feminist icons are liars!
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-We'll be right back with more "Late Night," everybody.