-Chloe, you do so many great impressions,
and I wanted to challenge you to something fun.
We all want to get in the holiday spirit,
so here's what we're gonna do.
I'd love you to start reading the classic poem
"'Twas the Night Before Christmas," okay?
And as you're reading, there will be names of celebrities
that pop up onscreen, okay?
So you'll keep reading but in the voice of whoever comes up next.
And you could wear that scarf if you'd like to.
You don't have to. -Ooh! Well, it does match my outfit.
-It actually really does. -Yeah. Holiday vibes!
-Okay, here we go. Ready?
Whenever you're ready, you can start
with the first impression that appears on the screen
right over there.
Roots, can we get some sleigh bells?
[ Sleigh bells jingling ]
-[As Reese Witherspoon] Ahem.
Okay, 'twas the night before Christmas,
when all through the house, not a creature was stirrin',
not even a fierce little mouse, y'all!
-[ Laughing ] Okay. [ Bell dings ]
-[ Normal voice ] Okay.
[As Drew Barrymore] The children were nestled
all snug in their amazing beds,
while visions of the most gorgeous sugarplums
danced in their head.
[ Bell dings ] -[ Laughing ]
-[ Normal voice ] Oh! Okay, this one.
-Margaret Thatcher. -You got the teeth -- the teeth.
[As Margaret Thatcher] When out on the lawn,
there arose an unfavorable clatter,
I sprang from my bedchambers
to see what was the matter.
-[ Laughing ] Oh, my God! [ Bell dings ]
-[ Normal voice ] Oh, good.
I have to pretend this is a shawl for Nicole Kidman.
-All right. -Okay.
[ Breathes deeply ]
[As Nicole Kidman] Away to the window I jumped like a 'roo,
tore open the shutters, and [laughs]
Oh, my God, what a view.
-Oh, my God. [ Bell dings ]
-[ Normal voice ] Oh. All right, here we go.
[As Phoebe Waller-Bridge] 'Twas a little old chap
so cheeky and quick,
I knew in a moment he must be Saint Nick.
-[ Laughing ] -[ Bell dings ]
-[As Timothée Chalamet] Uh, he -- he had a broad face
and a, uh, little round belly
that shook when he laughed like a bowl of jelly.
[ Laughs ] Nah, nah, nah.
I'm sorry, Nick. Nah, nah, nah.
[ Bell dings ]
-[ Normal voice ] Ah, okay. This one's fun.
Ah, well, you know, to get into Meryl Streep,
I kind of have to adjust my hair a little bit.
[As Meryl Streep] Ah, well, you know...
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
Meryl Christmas to all and to all a good night!
-Chloe Fineman, everybody!
That is how you do it right there!
I thought I'd do something with you
because you're always fun
and we have fun every time you come on here.
But you do a lot of great different accents,
and I wanted to challenge you to something fun.
So here's what I'd like you to do here.
This is a book right here. It's a beautiful book.
-A leather-bound book.
-Yes, this is from my home collection.
[ Laughter ]
This is the classic poem "'Twas the Night Before Christmas."
-Oh, okay.
-And what I thought you could do is maybe, as you're reading,
a different accent will come up on the screen there.
-Okay. -And when the bell rings,
you change and read the book in that accent.
[ Laughter ]
Could you do that, maybe? -I'll give it a go, yeah.
-Yeah. I also have a nice, festive scarf
I can place upon you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. And then --
-Ten points for Gryffindor!
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Yeah. All right. All right. There you go.
So, that's it. It's all nice and festive.
-[ Clears throat ] -Now here we go.
[ Both clear throat ] You can start reading
with the first accent that appears on the screen.
Roots, can we get some sleigh bells maybe?
-♪♪ -Scot--
-Aww. -Scottish.
-Aw. That's cute. Scottish. Okay.
-[Scottish accent] 'Twas the night before Christmas,
when all through the house, not a creature was stirring,
not even a wee, little 'moose.'"
[ Laughter ] [ Bell dings ]
-A moose.
-[Russian accent] "Stockings were hung
by the chimney with care,
in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon arrive."
[ Bell dings ] [ Laughter ]
-Spanish.
-[Spanish accent] "The children were very, very happy."
[ Laughter and applause ]
♪♪
-Oh, my God. -Oh, oh, Please, please.
[ Clears throat ]
-[ Laughs ] -This is my turn, okay?
-Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry.
-"The children were very, very happy,
all snug in their beds,
while visions of sugarplums danced in their cabeza."
[ Laughter ] [ Bell dings ]
-Cabeza?
-[Rural American accent] "And Mom in her kerchief
and I in my cap... [ Laughter ]
had just kicked back for a little catnap."
[ Laughter ] [ Bell dings ]
Whoo! [ Cheering and laughter ]
-[French accent] "When out of the roof,
there arose such a clatter.
I sprang from my bed to see -- how you say, uh...
what was the matter." [ Laughter ]
[ Bell dings ]
"It was frickin' Santa Claus!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Oh, my God.
-"It was Santa Claus, with his little round belly
that jiggled when he walked and talked
like a bowl full of spaghetti."
[ Laughter ] [ Bell dings ]
-[Australian accent] "And I heard him exclaim
as he drove out of sight,
Merry Christmas to all and g'day, mate."
-Oh, my gosh! [ Cheers and applause ]
Wow!
One of my favorite parts of the holidays
is reading "'Twas the Night Before Christmas."
But I don't have time to read the whole thing
right here, right now,
but fortunately I know someone who can.
Ladies and gentlemen, a shortened, more casual version
of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas"
is Nick Offerman, ladies and gentlemen.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Indistinct conversation ]
Nick Offerman.
Thank you so much. I appreciate this.
Nick Offerman.
Nick, whenever you're ready, take it away.
-All right.
It was Christmas Eve, and the house was really quiet.
You couldn't even hear rodents, like mice, crawling around.
Some kids were sleeping and dreaming of sugar plums
and other random [bleep].
And then a fat bearded man broke into their house
and put toys into a sock.
Then he climbed in a sleigh and flew off,
like the down of a thistle,
whatever the [bleep] that means.
The end.
-Thank you very much. Nick Offerman, everyone.
[ Cheers and applause ]
'Twas the night before Christmas,
when all through the house
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
-I hate that mouse.
Always hear him walking around with his little nails
scratching against my kitchen floor.
I got brand-new floors, Jim, from France.
[ Laughter ]
-The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there.
-When's that dude gonna show up?
I've been waiting up all night for him.
Santa Claus is late!
-The children were nestled all snug in their beds
while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads.
-Sugar plums? You definitely don't got kids.
I got three kids.
They want a WiiU, Xbox, a ColecoVision, "Call of Duty."
Not one of them asking me for no sugar plum.
By the way, I know a pimp named Sugar Plum.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
-It was a Tempur-Pedic bed, too.
You know the ones in the commercial
where they drop a bowling ball on the bed...
but the wine glass never spills over?
Which is good because my favorite thing to do in a bed
is bowling and drinking red wine.
-When what to my wondering eyes should appear
but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
-Eight tiny reindeer? Ha ha ha ha!
That's hilarious!
-With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he must be Saint Nick.
"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen!"
-I like to call them by their nicknames.
Scooter, Porkchop, Captain Freak,
DJ Downing McFresh, Bonzai, Mr. Dimples,
Spanky, and Joe Frazier.
-As I drew in my head and was turning around
down the chimney Saint Nicholas came with a bound.
-Chimneys are like brickhouse penises.
That's a poem I wrote.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-He had a broad face and a little round belly
that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
-But I don't know what he's laughing about.
There's nothing funny about obesity.
Unless you're those two fat motorcycle guys
from the Guinness Book of World Records.
Those guys are funny. Can we see a picture of them?
[ Laughing hysterically ] Thanks, Dave!
-He sprung to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle.
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight...
-Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
[ Cheers and applause ]