Rocky and Bullwinkle on NES.
Based on the cartoon, um, the cartoon about a moose and a squirrel.
Do I have to see everything??
So here's the game, it starts up with one the most god awful music loops you'll ever hear come out of your NES.
Listen to how short this loop is.
(God awful music)
(God awful music and it loops)
All i can say is, i'm a moose throwing bombs.
Eat this bitch! You don't wanna f*ck with a moose throwing bombs!
Unfortunately, the bombs run out so all you're left with is this charging attack
But the attack drains your own power meter. You can't hurt anything without hurting yourself.
What kind of crap is that?!
So i wasted all this time trying to kill this guy, until i realised you can just hop over him.
Yeah, you just go past him. Thanks for wasting my time.
Next you come to a room full of stairs. It's a small room which seems to be a dead end.
Where do i go? Down here?
*ded*
Nope.
Maybe i should try that random stairway that looks like it goes nowhere.
(wut???)
Oh come on! All the other stairways go up 'til they're off-screen.
Why does this first stairway happen to be so special that it stops in mid-air and magically transports you to the next screen?
It was a stairway to nothing that somehow happen to be a stairway to something.
I hate these mice. I hate 'em.
They're too fast to hit with your bombs.
Ugh, come on, it's just a mouse! How does a little tiny mouse beat the sh*t out of a big f*cking moose?
Bullwinkle is so big and awkward, everywhere you go you get hit constantly. Even if something touches your antlers it takes damage.
The hit detection box is a big rectangle, even if you try taking it slow, you can't squeeze through these obstacles.
It's like trying to drive a tank through a grocery store aisle.
You can switch to Rocky who is much smaller.
This makes things a lot easier except that Rocky can't walk up steps.
If only it was Rocky Balboa, he'd go up the damn steps!
Why would that be a special ability? Think of all the video game characters that have special moves.
Y'know, Princess Toadstool can float, Grant can climb walls, Dixie Kong can spin her hair,
Bullwinkle go up stairs.
Rocky can fly which you'll need to do in order to reach over of these wide gaps, but there's no clear indication of what you can land on and what you can't.
I tried putting in a code for a level warp, just so i can give you a quick peek ahead, but it makes the game glitch.
(game f*cks around) I tried putting in a code for a level warp, just so i can give you a quick peek ahead, but it makes the game glitch.
This is the kind of glitching you would see if you were doing something with Game Genie.
But this is just a normal code that comes with the real game. What happened?
Look at the graphics here. Looks like King Kong splashed his ass all over the place.
And just when you thought the music couldn't get any worse.
(even more awful music)
OH MY GOD, I didn't even know the NES was capable of producing such an ear-piercing sound!
THAT'S AWFUL!
UGH, well there you have it, Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Sh*tty game, sh*tty graphics, sh*tty music, sh*tty everything.
F*ckin' big, clumsy moose, Bullwinkle, UHH, Bullwinkle!.
More like, BULL-F*CKIN'-SH*T!
(sh*tty music continues)
(sh*tty music continues) Subtitles by xBombtank