I've never actually made a video like this before!
Very odd, very strange.
[exasperated groan]
I have a notebook.
I've been all up in my head today,
and I decided to go for a drive,
because I won't be able to much longer, after I sell the van.
And the reason that I'm all up in my head today, I have determined,
is because
I partially am excited about
where I'm going, where I'm ending up,
where I'm evolving to, but also
part of me simultaneously
feels like it's grieving,
which is an odd feeling, to have those happening at the same time.
I just looked up the -
the five stages of - uhhh-
of grieving.
We have number one: DENIAL,
which I feel like I went through at the end of last year.
I didn't really want to talk about
anything that I was changing about my life.
I just wanted to put my head down and barrel through it.
ANGER? I feel like I didn't really have anger as much as
I had fear.
I had a lot of
anxiety around
how I was changing my life.
Uh - BARGAINING?
I definitely still had been going back and forth about
how I wanted to change things and to see if
I could still keep "who I've been"
while also
figuring out how to evolve to the next level.
But the truth of the matter is that
change requires some destruction.
In order to evolve,
one must also
no longer be what it once was.
Uhm...
And
when you figure that out,
then comes
number four on the grieving list, which is DEPRESSION.
I wouldn't say I'm depressed so much as I'm
coming to grips with it.
I'm coming around to number five, which is - finally -
ACCEPTANCE.
Uhm...
And it's odd.
I've talked about labels before,
a few years ago, actually,
and how, oftentimes,
other people will label us, but
that's less of a worry as
the labels that we put on ourselves that no longer
are fitting to who we want to be.
And yet, those labels are comfortable, so we might hold on to them longer than necessary.
And they might actually begin to harm us.
And
While we need to
exchange those labels for new labels that actually fit us,
and work for us,
we also
- uhhh -
need to go through this grieving period, I guess.
Now, this is all
new realization for me,
this is stuff that I'm just now
figuring out, and - I think - putting into words.
And writing things down
really helps me with that.
I'm a person who needs to - kind of - see it all, and
map it all out.
Um - visually, in order to
wrap my head around my own understanding of things.
Even if it's all in my head already, I just need to get it out
so I can see it,
but I'm also not sure if this is
[laughs]
Uh - a selfish thing to make a video about?
Because it feels a bit like a therapy session in a way.
Here I am, sitting in a parking lot, and people are
completely staring at me, wondering
what I'm doing holding this tiny microphone up to my mouth.
In any case,
I feel like this is relevant to what I was talking about yesterday, and - uh -
how we do often overestimate
the
importance of our own stuff.
Nobody cares about you like you.
You are ultimately responsible for your own happiness, and
for your own changes,
and if you need to evolve, that's on you.
Uhm...
But I do still oftentimes
get people asking me the same question,
over and over again.