- I have committed myself to understanding
what a woman feels like when she is penetrated.
I want to fulfill this commitment,
but the matchstick won't fit in my penis.
Too square.
- Too square, how about...
Never, never, forget it.
- My penis. - I understand.
- It's too square. - I understand.
What?
♪ Roll with me, roll with me ♪
♪ Light the night on fire with me ♪
What up Vegas? - What up Vegas!
Yo! - What's up?
- Three days, me and you, free drinks.
Naked bitches!
- This is gonna be (beeps) right here, dog.
This is gonna be my...
Let's get some jams going up in this bitch right now!
- [DJ] The number one track in the country right now,
"Roll With Me."
- Oh! - Oh!
- Oh (beeps)!
That's my jam right there.
I love this song, man!
- I love this song too, man.
That's, everybody loves this song.
- What, here we go, uh, uh.
What?
♪ Roll with me, roll with me ♪
♪ Light the night on fire with me ♪
♪ Girl you know that I got what you need ♪
♪ See don't get greedy ♪
♪ Give it up sweetly ♪
♪ Let me set that body free ♪
♪ 'Cause what you got you got to give it to me ♪
♪ What? ♪
♪ Light the night on fire with me ♪
♪ Ever since I was rocking a onesie ♪
♪ I know that you was second to none, B ♪
♪ Growing up and learning ABCs and 123s ♪
♪ Hoping you'd learn we were meant to be ♪
♪ Even way back then every little (beeps) not a perfect 10 ♪
♪ But then you know I grow up ♪
♪ And got a little bit older, a little bit bolder ♪
♪ Brushing off my shoulders, almost a man ♪
♪ Those playground feelings grew stronger ♪
♪ Couldn't wait much longer ♪
♪ Now with me, roll, you belong girl ♪
♪ Roll with me, roll with me ♪
♪ Light the night on fire with me ♪
♪ It's your verse, take it right now ♪
(Jordan mumbling)
No, no, what the hell?
Don't turn it off just 'cause you don't know it.
- What are we gonna do when we get to Vegas?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, don't change the subject
about what we're gonna do in Vegas.
If you don't know the words,
just admit you don't know the words.
- I know the words, I told you.
Why would I make up that I know, don't know?
That's ridiculous, man.
No, I know the words.
- It seems like you didn't know the words.
- I know the word--
Hey, listen.
Hey, listen to me, man. - What, what?
- I know the words to that song.
- Okay. - Everybody knows.
- Okay. - No, no it's not okay
'cause you obviously don't believe me.
Hey dude, on our friendship.
I know the words to "Roll With Me."
- Okay.
I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
- I'll let it go, I'm sorry.
That's stupid, stupid.
- Hey, turn it back up.
- [DJ] (laughing) Yo, I love that track so much.
I'm sorry, I gotta play it again.
This is "Roll With Me."
101.3 KB.
♪ Roll with me, roll with me ♪
(Jordan thumping)
(Jordan grunts)
- Yeah, that really hurt.
(engine rumbling)
(tires crunching)
- You ready, homie?
- Hells yeah.
- Take these mother (beeps) out.
- Hold up.
Nuh uh.
- What?
- We gotta go back home, man.
- Why?
- I pooped my pants. - What?
- Just now, I just pooped my pants.
- You got diarrhea?
- Hell no, man.
I ain't gay.
We gotta go home right now, man.
Let me change my drawers.
- Oh man, the dudes we be trying to smoke is right there.
- Man, how you want me to smoke somebody
when I got poop in my pants?
- Are you sure you pooped 'em?
- Am I sure?
(beeps) Am I sure?
- Yeah!
- Yes, that is poop in my pants.
- That's nasty, man.
- It's natural, man.
- For a three-year-old, not for a hardcore gangster.
- See, if you was my real friend though,
you wouldn't make such a big deal out of it.
- Wouldn't make such a big deal out of it?
(beeps) You a grown-ass man who just (beeps) in his drawers.
- Oh snap.
- No, you didn't.
You just (beeps) your pants again.
- Don't judge.
- You need to get out of my car and go to the hospital.
- Okay, I see how it is.
See, I wouldn't do that to you though.
- You never would have to do that to me
because under no circumstances
would I ever (beeps) my pants.
Oh!
I'm sorry I judged you.
- Apology accepted.
- Buddy, let's listen to some music.
You got a playlist that you like?
- Oh yeah, I got, all my music is good, man.
Just put it on random.
- All right.
Rock it out.
- This is an audio journal of my experiments
on my own human condition.
Forgot this was on here.
Let's skip ahead.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, hold on, no, no.
I wanna hear your thoughts on things.
- Tasted my own urine today
to make sure I was still human.
Yeah, let's just skip ahead.
- What the fuck is this?
- It's just some voice memos.
My experiments are going well.
I'm hours into my day long commitment
to stare at myself in the mirror nude.
I'm beginning to see my reptilian self.
I am the lizard, I am the lizard.
I taste the bug on my tongue.
- Don't touch it.
- I just. - Don't touch it.
- I have committed myself to understanding
what a woman feels like when she is penetrated.
I want to fulfill this commitment,
but the matchstick won't fit in my penis.
Too square.
- Too square, how about...
Never, never, forget it.
- My penis. - I understand.
- Is too square. - I understand, what?
- (yelling) Oh my god, oh why?
Why, why, why?
(Jordan yelping and yelling)
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
I'm so fundamentally lonely.
I'm adrift in an indifferent universe.
Only Keegan tethers me to reality.
I'll take a drive with him tomorrow.
I wonder if he senses how I feed off of his life force.
It's a different Keegan.
- Wasn't that the turn for our polling station?
- Uh, why no, young man.
See, we know a shorter route to your,
to our Democratic polling station.
- You know how us Democrats like a shortcut,
like government spending to prop up the economy.
- Nothing more we love than those federal programs.
- You two are Democrats, aren't you?
- What?
(both laughing)
- Of course we are.
- You see the color of our skin, don't you?
How can we not blindly vote Democratic?
- I mean, that would be ridiculous.
- Whatever.
All I know is my polling place closes in 15 minutes.
- Why, that would be terrible.
- Awful!
I mean, how are you going to elect
tax and spend politicians if you can't vote?
- It's hard enough to vote with all those voter ID laws.
- Republicans.
- (groaning) Those gosh, darn Republicans.
- I know, I'm just like (growling).
- 10 and two, Douglas. - Right.
- You know, if there were already Republicans here,
whoa, I'd be pissed.
I'd be royally pissed! - Me too, me too.
- In fact, I would take their hard fought principles
and I'd shove it right up their keisters.
- We seem to be driving in circles.
- Don't worry, we're almost there.
(tires screeching)
Look, it appears we've hit somebody.
We should get out and help him.
(man groaning)
- Oh my leg.
Oh my leg!
- Oopsie daisy, oopsie daisy.
Whoa, there you go.
- I am pissed!
I am royally pissed!
Now, although it was only this one man's fault,
I will be using all of your tax dollars to get healthy.
Thanks to the Affordable Healthcare Act.
I know it doesn't seem fair,
but that's supposedly the law of the land down here.
- That's what I've heard.
- You don't look that hurt.
Why y'all wearing those same leather jackets?
And those dad jeans?
- Disperse!
(feet tapping)
(woman gasps)
- Black Republican mother (beeps).
- All right, you're doing fine sweetie.
Now Malia, let's just go easy on the gas here
and come to a complete stop.
Okay, so in the future you wanna try
not to go through stop signs.
(siren wailing)
Okay, just remain calm now.
And what you're gonna wanna do is pull up
right here next to the curb.
This is why we wanna stay in the lines
and we wanna follow rules.
Remember this.
- License and registration.
Holy!
Mr. President.
- Yeah, yeah.
Just teaching Malia to drive here.
- Well, you guys ran a stop sign back there,
but that's okay, you can go.
- Oh no, no, no, no, no.
Malia's gotta learn what it's like
to drive in the real world here.
This is called consequences, Malia.
Now I want you to go ahead and treat us like you would
if I weren't the president.
Not exactly what I had in mind.
- [Keegan] All right, where you headed, youngster?
- Yeah, I'm headed to the Cobo Building on Jefferson.
- All right, yeah, Cobo Hall, Jefferson Avenue, mm hm.
So what you in Detroit for?
- I gotta do a presentation.
- All right, okay, yeah, a presentation.
Okay, yeah.
What are you presenting?
- Actually it's about how market research
can be interpreted with out of the box solutions.
- Oh, all right.
So you wanna get this all outside the box, all right.
(Keegan laughing)
- Most people think that all customers
are a single demographic.
- Oh, okay.
You try and get all them demographics up in here.
All right, all right, yeah, yeah.
- Online trends are less linear.
- Oh okay, online, trends, linear, mm hm.
- I'm also thinking about doing the presentation naked.
Just no clothes on.
- Oh yeah, yeah, naked presentation.
No clothes on, that's good.
- Afterward, I might just piss on the floor
in front of everyone. Oh yeah.
Okay, all right.
Pissing right there up in front of everybody.
All right, sound good.
- Then I might just shoot everybody in the place, you know,
with the gun I'm hiding in my ass.
- Yeah, yeah, gun way up in that ass.
That's the way to do it.
- I'll cut my victim's faces off.
Wear them as masks.
- Mm hm, yeah, masks all on the face.
Uh huh, yeah, okay.
- (speaking German) Heil Hitler.
- Yup, okay, heil Hitler to you too.
All right, here we are.
Oh, by the way, when you kill those people
with your ass gun, make sure to use a serrated blade
to cut their faces off.
(speaking German)
(jaunty music)
(funky music)
♪ I want you ♪
♪ But I don't need you ♪