Alright, so not too long ago my fiance and I decided to be soccer coaches
Cause let's be honest, I make a great goddamn soccer coach for the bunch of little kids
There's only one little problem with this
We don't know shit about soccer
But the good thing is that we teach a bunch of 4-year-olds
They don't know shit about soccer either
I'll just teach them the three things that I know about soccer
And make them just figure out the rest on their own
"Alright, you guys... You guys know how to kick stuff, right?"
"I kick the shit out of my little brother all the time"
Now, well, perfect! You're practically a soccer player already!
So we have a few practices to figure out what kind of skill sets these kids carry
For instance, we have little Mario on our team
His trademark is that he likes to jump over the ball when it comes to him
Try to explain to him like:"Mario, your ass is not gonna get out the Wheaties box.."
"If you keep leap-frogging the goddamn soccer ball!"
He was also really good at pointing out any airplanes that were in the sky
He'd just stop right in the middle of practice
Point up at the sky: "Oh, airplane, airplane!"
"It's great, Mario, but it's not about to crash into this goddamn soccer field"
"I can't really give two shits about that airplane"
Now get your little air traffic controller ass over here and kick the ball
Poor kid was just really excited about airplanes
He just wanted to share it with the world
"Holy fuck, look at that airplane in the sky!"
"Is this not a big deal to you, people?!"
We also had two girls on the team, that were sisters
They wouldn't step foot on the soccer field, unless they were holding hands with each other
So they'd be out there, hand in hand, like they got a game of Red Rover going on somewhere
They're clotheslining kids left and right
"Hey, why don't you guys try playing by yourself?"
"Because I don't do shit
"Because I don't do shit WITHOUT MY SISTERRRRRRRR!1!!"
"Okay! Alright, whatever"
"Holy hell, take some xanax, you psychopath"
So our first game rolls around
And if you think handling one team of 4-year-olds is a lot to handle
Try having two teams out there
It was pure chaos
We got kids out there doing cartwheels and shit
Players kicking the ball into their own goal
"God damn it, Billy! You are bastardizing the sport of soccer!"
All the parents are looking at us, like:
"Hey, asshole, what kind of circus show is this?"
"What the hell have you been teaching our kids?"
They would kick the ball out of bounds
The referee would blow the whistle
They just totally ignore it, keep on going
*Blows the whistle harder*
"STOP, WAIT A MINUTE!"
*kids giggling*
*Blows the whistle even harder*
*kids giggling*
We'd have kids trying to pick the ball up with their hands
In the first couple times they do it, you try to explain it to them nicely
"Ah, sweetheart, you can't pick up the ball with your hands, you don't do that in soccer"
But then after repeating yourself 5000 times you're just getting sick of it, you're like:
"God damn it, Billy, if you pick that ball up with your hands again.."
"..I'm gonna chop your balls off with a machete"
*all the parents gasp*
"Ha-haa, haaa...She's just joking, we don't have a machete, I don't think"
"AAAAAAAAAAAA111!1!"
Now, there are only so many 4-year-olds playing soccer
So every weekend we'd play against the same team
And there was one kid on that team that would pretty much score all their goals
But the thing is, he was like a foot taller, than everybody else on the field
"What the hell, how old is that kid out there?"
"Somebody check his birth certificate, I'm pretty sure we graduated highschool together!"
The kid had like stubble on his face and shit
He's out there smoking a cigarette like: "Alright, let's hurry this shit up!"
"I've got to pick my kids up from daycare in the half-hour"
So we pretty much watched him beat the hell of our team for the whole game
It was especially bad in the second half
Because by the time the third quarter rolls around
Nobody wants to play soccer anymore, they want to go home and do whatever kids do these days
"I just want to eat fruit roll-ups and watch weird-ass spiderman videos on youtube"
We'd have kids laying down on the field
Billy's over there, digging in his ass crack
"God damn it, Billy!"
"Your great grandma made it out here to watch you today!"
"Her ass has emphysema, she's only got so many days left"
"You think she wants to spend them watching you fiddle with your asshole all day long? I don't think so!"
There'd be one kid crying on the field at all times, it seemed like
Like it was in a goddamn rulebook
He'd just be sitting down, having a mental breakdown
Their parents are taking pictures of them and shit
We'd have a coach on one knee, trying to be a mini-psychiatrist
"What are you crying for, you're four years old, for Chist's sake!"
"Wait till you're old like me, and you get a divorce"
"Then you got to sit at home every night by yourself"
"Eating hungry man TV dinners, just waiting to die"
"Get your ass up and play some soccer!"
And then out of nowhere, the referee blows the whistle and the game is over
Everyboby gets some Goldfish
And a pacific cooler CapriSun
All the coaches are all stressed-out
I run out to the parking lot, slam six beers down while nobody's looking
"Alright, team, that was a good game!"
"Billy, you scored three goals today, but they were all in our own net, so way to go!"
"Mario, you pointed out four airplanes, and one helicopter, that's a new FIFA world record, alright!"
"And ladies, well, you clotheslined a kid, and broke his collar bone, that's pretty sweet too!"
"I expect more of the same next week, go, team go!"
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