-Well everyone's talking.
Tomorrow night is the vice-presidential debate
between Mike Pence and Kamala Harris,
and both candidates are getting ready.
And get this -- we managed to get our hands
on some footage of Vice President Pence
preparing for the debate.
Take a look at this.
-All righty. Let's get started.
The vice-presidential debate is tomorrow night,
and the entire world will be half-watching.
We're talking Kamala versus Pence,
David versus Goliath,
the cool girl in school
versus the heroic reverend from "Footloose."
So let's prep. Short for "prepare."
Short for "prepare thyselves.
A woman has entered the mess hall."
-You ready to go, sir? -I am.
This will be the most fun I've had
since Mother and I visited that grain silo.
-First question.
Between COVID in the White House and the climate crisis
taking its toll on the nation,
what's the biggest threat facing America today?
-Well, that's easy.
Rock-'n'-roll music is a Satan-level threat
conjured by the dark power of female magic.
That's why I'm doing everything in my power to bring
barnyard nursery rhymes back into the mainstream.
Next question.
-Mr. Vice President, did you take on any presidential duties
while Mr. Trump was recovering in Walter Reed?
-Why, yes.
I took on several more roles in the White House,
including milk tester and haunted portrait.
Next. -Mr. Vice President,
is the American dream alive and well?
-Well, of course, it is, and I'm proof of it.
My father was a gas-station attendant.
And his father, a slice of white bread
that made a wish upon a star.
The recent economic downturn?
Well, that's just God punishing us for "Animal Crossing."
It's not natural. Foxes shouldn't talk.
-What do you say to young people
who think Kamala Harris speaks for the disenfranchised?
-I say baloney.
The most disenfranchised people in this country
are folks like me -- old white men who believe
open-mouth kisses are a Chinese plot
to destroy the government.
Besides, I too have been connecting with Generation Z,
and I've even tried this new food all the kids
are obsessed with called creamed cheese.
[ Laughter ]
-Sir, President Trump attacked Joe Biden's family.
Would you do the same to your opponent tonight?
-Look, I prefer to keep things civil,
but I swear to Him...
if Kamala makes any snide remarks
about how Mother has to burp me when I eat salted chips,
the gloves are coming off.
-Sir, do you support the Senate healthcare bill
that would protect people with pre-existing conditions?
-I do. In fact, I have a lot of pre-existing conditions myself,
including a tap-water allergy, pajama rash,
and migraines I get whenever I see a dog
that's not fully clothed.
Next question. Matthew?
-Oh. Sir, just pretend I'm Susan Page.
-Who? -That's the moderator.
-Well, I'll probably just address her chaperone, but okay.
-Mr. Vice President, a lot of people are saying
that Kamala is just a more dynamic candidate
than you are.
What do you say to that?
-I say that's why I'm debuting my new catch phrase.
After I make a good point, I'm going to say,
"Now, that's a spicy soda pop."
-Jesus Christ. -Is he here?
-Sir, here's a question.
Will you step down from the vice presidency...
-Yes! -...if you lose the election?
-Sir, please come back.