♫ Zack Morris Is Trash ♫
(Bell Ringing)
- Rick and Trevor from the Rigmas tell Zack only the
coolest kids get invited to wear a red Rigma jacket.
But apparently they're willing to overlook that
because they ask Zack if he wants to pledge.
Zack jumps at the opportunity to prove himself worthy
of joining a fake middle school fraternity.
The Rigmas promptly begin dehumanizing Zack.
Making him dress like a bozo and sing showtunes in class.
Zack is tip toeing around school, hiding like a coward
from the people he's allowing to torment him.
Then obeys like a dog when they order him
to do jumping jacks for his peers.
Mikey questions this nonsense,
but Zack says it's all worth it for a dumb red jacket.
The Rigmas make Zack wear a bathing suit to class,
dangerously close to having his balls slip out in geometry.
Totally worth it for the jacket.
Rick and Trevor dangle the jacket in front of Zack.
But say before he can wear it,
he needs to ditch those losers he calls friends.
Zack approaches his day one pals and says he's sorry
for what he's about to do, but he has to do it.
For the jacket.
Zack loudly exposes Mikey's secret crush.
Unforgivable.
Rick and Trevor approve.
Then tells Lisa he's going to call her parents
to snitch on her for wearing makeup at school.
Dick
move.
Clap clap clap clap clap.
Then shoves a piece of cake in Nicki's face.
Zero creativity there.
And when Screech says he thought they were friends,
Zack says he would never be friends
with a nothing like Screech.
This child has no soul.
Zack's abhorrent malice is rewarded with a jacket
from two assholes that's worth about as much
as a nickel covered in bird shit.
Zack strolls in to class
and tries to act like it's all good.
But it's not all good.
It's all bad because he publicly humiliated everyone.
And his former friends rightfully shun
this backstabbing Judas.
Zack tells them to relax because now that he's a Rigma,
they can all be friends again.
On weekends and stuff.
Terms and conditions apply.
The gang doesn't want Zack's friendship leftovers and
toss his red jacket around until he cries like a weenie
which happens right away.
Miss Bliss gets caught up to speed.
Zack assaulted a student with pie, ruined Mikey's life,
and really called Lisa's parents at home
to leave a message about her makeup.
Zack says the only reason they're all here is because
these losers threw his jacket around.
A defense that ignores several crucial details.
When Miss Bliss asks if these allegations are true,
Zack says absolutely not.
Because he just hit Nicki with a piece of pie,
not a whole pie.
Another partially accurate response that, once again,
omits many pertinent facts.
Zack says they're all just jealous of his sweet jacket.
More lies.
Miss Bliss says this red jacket just cost him
four friends.
Zack tells the gang he's given it some thought,
and he's choosing them over the jacket.
But they don't want anything to do with him,
because he really needed someone to explain
that a jacket is worth less than four people.
So Zack immediately turns his back on them again
to go sit with the Rigmas.
Rick and Trevor have one more surprise for Zack.
In order for them to get into the Rigmas they
had to find a gullible sucker
and make him believe he was pledging.
Then get him to do a bunch of horrible stuff.
Zack wants to know where they could ever find
someone so idiotic!
Hey dumb dumb, they're talking about your blonde ass.
The gang comes over to make sure Zack understands
how much it sucks to be humiliated over a jacket.
Then graciously take him back, because unlike Zack,
they're not total buttholes and can think for themselves
to asses a situation.
But before Zack throws that jacket in the garbage,
where he should put his entire body,
he gets approval from the gang because he remains
incapable of independent thought.
Let's review.
Zack Morris wanted to join a middle school
pseudo-fraternity just to get a red jacket.
And to get that jacket was willing to humiliate himself
all over school.
Then to earn the approval of people who have done nothing
but torture him, brutally destroyed the friendships he had
with the people who actually care about him.
Then tried to act like nothing happened,
and completely ignored any role he had in this situation.
And when he said he had a change of heart,
but his victims were understandably still upset,
he changed his heart again
and went right back to his abusers.
And found out the shocking news
that they had bad intentions this whole time,
and all the despicable things he did
for that red jacket were pointless.
Which was always the case because it was just
a stupid red jacket
which he really valued
more than the dignity of four human beings.
Five if you include Zack,
which I certainly don't.
Let's call it four.
Zack Morris is trash.
♫ Zack Morris Is Trash ♫
(Bell Ringing)