LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DWAYNE JOHNSON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU. [ CHEERS ]
>> I KNOW! THANK YOU.
IT'S BEEN SO GREAT TO BE HERE HOSTING THE SEASON FINALE OF
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> TONIGHT IS EXTRA SPECIAL FOR ME BECAUSE THIS IS MY FIFTH TIME
HOSTING THIS AMAZING SHOW. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH. I REALLY DON'T WANT TO MAKE A
BIG DEAL ABOUT IT. >> AND YET WE MUST.
WE MUST. >> OH, HI.
>> OH, HEY, ALEC. WEREN'T YOU JUST IN THE COLD
MY
OPEN? >> NEVER ENOUGH, NEVER ENOUGH.
WHAT A SEASON IT'S BEEN FOR ME. BUT TONIGHT IS NOT ABOUT ME.
IT'S ABOUT YOU. I'M HERE TO OFFICIALLY WELCOME
YOU INTO THE FIVE TIMERS' CLUB. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WOW. WOW.
WOW. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
IT IS AN HONOR TO GET THIS FROM YOU.
YOU HAVE BEEN AMAZING PLAYING THE PRESIDENT THIS YEAR.
>> I CAN'T TAKE ALL THE CREDIT. I HAVE TO THANK THE -- WHAT DO
YOU CALL THE PALE PEOPLE WHO TAKE THE SUBWAY?
>> WRITERS. >> I LOVE THEM.
>> YEAH. YOU KNOW, ALEC, YOU KNOW, IT'S
FUNNY BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TELLING ME LATELY
THAT, WELL, I SHOULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> IT'S VERY FLATTERING.
BUT TONIGHT I WANT TO PUT THAT TO REST AND JUST SAY ONCE AND
FOR ALL -- I'M IN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
STARTING TONIGHT, I AM RUNNING FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES. YEAH.
>> WOW. >> I'M GOING TO TELL YOU.
I HAVE ALREADY CHOSEN MY RUNNING MATE.
HE'S ALSO IN THE FIVE TIMERS' CLUB.
AND LIKE ME, HE'S WELL LIKED, CHARMING, UNIVERSALLY ADORED BY
PRETTY MUCH EVERY HUMAN ALIVE. >> DWAYNE, I WOULD BE HONORED --
>> MR. TOM HANKS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I COULD NOT POSSIBLY -- TURN THIS DOWN.
I WILL DO IT. I AM IN.
LET'S GO. >> WE'RE IN!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> I WILL BE IN THE CABINET
BECAUSE ALL THREE OF US ARE EQUALLY BELOVED.
NOT A SINGLE BLACK MARK ON ANY OF OUR PUBLIC PERSONAS.
>> YEAH, SURE. HEY, ALEC, I THINK I SAW LORNE
TALKING TO YOU WIFE. >> I'LL BREAK THAT SON OF A
BITCH'S NECK. >> HAPPENS EVERY TIME.
>> EVERY TIME. NOW, IN THE PAST I NEVER WOULD
HAVE CONSIDERED RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
I DIDN'T THINK I WAS QUALIFIED, BUT NOW I'M ACTUALLY WORRIED
THAT I'M TOO QUALIFIED. >> THE TRUTH IS, AMERICA NEEDS
US. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NO ONE CAN SEEM TO AGREE ON ANYTHING ANYMORE EXCEPT FOR
THESE TWO THINGS6-- PIZZA AND US.
>> AND US. I MEAN, I HAVE BEEN IN TWO
MOVIES WHERE A PLANE CRASHES AND PEOPLE ARE STILL EXCITED TO SEE
ME ON THEIR FLIGHT. >> THAT'S VERY TRUE.
TRUE STORY. I ONE TIME ONCE RAN A RED LIGHT
AND THE TRAFFIC CAM FOOTAGE ALONE MADE A BILLION DOLLARS.
TOM, I THINK WE'RE UNSTOPPABLE.
>> DWAYNE, TOGETHER WE WOULD GET 100% OF THE VOTE.
I WOULD GET THE SENIORS' VOTE BECAUSE I FOUGHT IN WORLD WAR
II -- IN, LIKE, TEN DIFFERENT MOVIES.
>> YOU DID, YEAH. AND I, OF COURSE, WOULD GET THE
MINORITY VOTE BECAUSE EVERYONE JUST ASSUMES THAT I'M -- WELL,
WHATEVER THEY ARE. >> YOU'RE PORTUGUESE.
PLUS, BETWEEN US, WE COULD HANDLE ANY CRISIS.
IF, GOD FORBID, WE GO TO WAR, I CAN ASSURE THE NATION --
♪♪♪ WE WILL SACRIFICE AND WE WILL
SUFFER, BUT IN THE END WE WILL WIN BECAUSE WE ARE THE
AMERICANS, AND THAT IS WHAT WE DO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THAT'S AMAZING.
THAT IS AMAZING. THAT IS AMAZING.
IF, GOD FORBID, CALIFORNIA SPLITS OFF AND FALLS INTO THE
OCEAN, WELL, THAT'S MY AREA. ♪♪♪
DAMN IT. IF I DON'T GET DOWN TO THE FAULT
LINE AND DETONATE THE WARHEAD THE ENTIRE STATE IS GOING TO
SINK. NOW FUEL UP THE SUBMARINE AND
TELL THE SECRET SERVICE TO PACK MY TRUNKS BECAUSE THE
PRESIDENT'S GOING FOR A SWIM. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> MAN. THERE WAS A LOT GOING ON THERE.
>> THERE IS. IT'S HOW I ROLL, HANKSY.
BUT, LISTEN, AMERICA, BEFORE YOU GET TOO EXCITED, THIS ISN'T
REAL. TOM AND I ARE JOKING.
>> YEAH. I JUST WANTED TO BE ON TV WITH
DWAYNE. >> IT'S JUST THAT WHEN IT COMES
TO POLITICS WE NEED MORE POISE AND LESS NOISE.
AMERICANS DESERVE STRONG, CAPABLE LEADERS, LEADERS WHO
CARE ABOUT THIS COUNTRY AND CARE ABOUT THIS COUNTRY AND CARE
ABOUT ITS PEOPLE. >> DWAYNE, THAT KIND OF SOUNDS
LIKE YOU AND ME. I GUESS WE'VE GOT TO DO IT.
COME ON. >> LET'S GO!
>> WE'RE DOING IT! ♪♪♪
>> WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW. KATY PERRY IS HERE.
STICK AROUND. HANKS AND JOHNSON.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. ♪♪♪