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imagine lifetime's morning everybody
welcome to again cold Oh No Oh God
oh no it's Susan watching this I was
born oh my god an egg is world whoever
gave god imagine lifetimes Sarandon time
I have no idea when I was born actually
or where it was conceived that's that's
me this we oughta play ha ha ha look at
you now I know that was Oh God
choose your first words Oh Lord this is
gonna get really weird so I think this
is a game where we we just go through
life oh yeah look at that baby dude I
came out the [ __ ] dancing all right
choose your first words mom dad come on
that's stupid but I just came out of the
vagina
I'm rumba I'm not gonna come out and be
like wait it's called wound but it's not
pronounced boom it's a bomb and a wall
okay I came out at the wall I'm not
gonna come out and go mom no it's it's
lame I want to convert sing something
cool ma'am PAP vati Vaati video i came
out of the i came out of the womb talk
about blood-borne lore Baba Tata
mutti come over my own language
Bava party moody the pentagram opens up
in the ground I'm gonna say Baba just
say the word sweetie
baba I just said it yes I knew it okay
what listen up now
before we send you out into the world
you're going to have to make some
important decisions okay my favorite
childhood toy what my favorite childhood
toy was a razor-sharp hatchet this is
this is like a psych test at the end of
this that's gonna say congratulations
you grew up to be a serial killer
I don't want that I do I want a ghost
care or a TV remote out of these I feel
like as a kid I would have picked the
car you know because I was badass and
awesome and I wanted to vroom-vroom toy
car see the choices you're about to make
will affect your characters traits
strengths and weaknesses in life okay is
it gonna say like you have an estranged
relationship with your parents they
don't talk to you anymore and have never
said they love you you failed college by
choosing kindergarten exercise painting
a house Blackie's or animatronic teddy
bear
who's I into as a kid I was into hitting
other kids I don't know if I wanted to
paint maybe paid with their blood
yes let's paint a house with somebody
else's blood let's paint their parents
leaving wait about your future right you
should get started right away once
you're done with these you'll be ready
to face whatever is out there for sure
are you judging me choose some friends I
don't even know their personalities this
is how kids get messed up because they
just pick whatever looks nice kids pick
what's shiny and then it's like well
congratulations you pick terrible
friends you're gonna be a horrible human
being
ding I want to pick what a big this
person on the bike wait wait wait if I
what you would load some friends okay
would I pick Garibaldi here why did
these people get blacked out I want all
of them as my friends you are way taller
than the other kids resent that's just a
teacher my best friend is the teacher
and I called her mom wants by accident
it was really embarrassing yeah I want
the person on the bike because they take
charge and initiative that's awesome
I want the super tall friend even if it
is the teacher wait now the second
friend is always yellow okay because
they can reach high things
this person's fast for a quick getaway
and you look like you could sneak into a
hole real easily all right I can keep
picking oh oh yeah aren't all these
people as my friends
I don't know if that works am i growing
up to be a bad person
choose your playground adventure oh wait
wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait
wait wait are they gonna come back
around
oh no that I just miss out on a
childhood oh damn it I love you tree
okay they're coming back row thank God I
thought my childhood was ruined for
effort as a kid I would have played
football probably but I'm an adult now
and I know better I know that I was a
stupid thing to do
seesaw Yeah right you need friends to
play that let's do this out of trees
nicely done thank you you're the one
judge me harshly let's bump on your nose
that's my notes stop being rude Hawaiian
pimple appeared no one is growing up but
also that was really creepy
looks like someone's growing out one
she's a high school sport I didn't go to
high school I went to secondary school
um none of these are a football
secondary school I broke a girl's ankles
so what should I be doing picking the
shoes and running away from my problems
it's awesome go for it thank you choose
your crush okay who looks like they need
an ankle broken pick the teacher Oh feel
like that's gonna set up some really
weird parameters for my childhood I kind
of want to do it teachers also like yo
what up yeah why not
Piketty mrs. Robinson
I'm into it you know what just I sure
did
pay man the penis knows what it wants
nose choose an after-school activity I
said oh no am i snorting cocaine
sticking things up my nose gaming duh do
you guys know that I'm a gamer this is
my face when I win my gamer I look at
this my own lightsaber dude can you
believe this
I want to galaxy's edge in Disney to
make my own lightsaber watch this listen
oh hell yeah dude I think red because
I'm sick like the sick what up yeah that
sound means I could kill you but I
choose not to
that's just gaming I love minecraft
really why don't you do something
productive instead oh yeah so the people
who made a video game about picking life
choices get condescending when you pick
the gaming option as an after-school
activity that wasn't gaming man that was
on-the-job training that was an
internship for what I do now I made
YouTube videos for games among other
things on the jacksepticeye variety
Channel and I have a lightsaber you
could be me
choose your first paratime job my first
paratime jobs in constructions with none
of these but I do love burgers okay cute
do you want to be a news reporter a Big
Mac or you want to rob a store I want to
be a Big Mac a Big Mac game haha doing
great
thank you Oh God choose a college major
oh it's gonna get bad I can scroll could
I scroll on any of the other ones choose
a college major okay accounting
architecture astronomy astronomy is what
I wanted to do as a kid and then I
didn't because you need to be smart for
that
so I did where's where's hotel
management
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where's management but there's no like
hospitality what is this this stupid
game doesn't have my options doesn't
have my life and my truth should be it's
good the liberal arts video game design
I wanted to do that for a white as well
also needed to be smart I was gonna
playing the video games not making them
and I'm just good at yelling at the
video games I not playing them so life
is weird like that um I'm gonna do AI
astronomy cuz I'm gonna live the life
that I never had epic - is that what you
wanted yes my parents never told me what
to do okay don't condescend me oh okay
congratulations time flies doesn't it
[Applause]
thank you
this is my trophy I thought we were done
listen life end after college that's
what people make it sound like traveling
and do on a globe and a toy plane or do
you want money or do you want some girl
breaking off her fingers into a pot okay
I can't choose these ones because
apparently gamers don't get these this
is discriminating against gamers I want
money career paths available recommended
partner path available oh I can do
career or partner my god this game makes
you choose a career or a partner housing
path block requires career oh okay I'm
gonna do my career oh this one's
important yeah you think
choose your search method Internet
mainly because I'm using one of those
right now don't condescend me hmm he's a
Minecraft village huh choose a career I
want to be a world I want to be a
crumpled-up ball of paper mommy
I mean Baba I want to be a movie camera
operator garbage collector astronomer oh
that is what I went to okay how to be an
usher stop that make me question my
decisions employment agreement this
agreement is made today between you and
your employer title astronomer from yeah
this is basically how jobs work you're
here a contract is just like yeah
whatever the [ __ ] your payment is gonna
be who cares
okay my name is let's see how much I
make work things out the boss hello you
must be our latest recruit welcome and
good luck today
thank you let's find someone to get you
started now yeah get in here we have to
do hi there welcome aboard the team
thank you so much
let me show you around a bit just get
everything in the green easy is it take
your time
well these are already in the green oh
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holy a beeboo beeboo blip blop good pup
I did it everything's green that's all
you needed to be an astronomer and ie
said that it was too dumb for it
goddammit let's to the nine eight seven
six five four three two one
is that a new dance all the kids are
doing that I don't know oh oh oh come on
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this is baloney this is stupid
being astronomers supposed to be by
looking at space I did it I did it ha ha
oh you told me dude an idea times I got
it
hey you fetch me the three one seven
nine ASA three one seven nine
you got it work may torino it did it
keep your other tasks screen - oh come
on
what does evil fight what's on - four
three fight being an astronomer sucks
why did I choose this career I should
have chosen a partner now give me that
one oh my god
[Music]
what is because you're impatient
ruthless boss you are not very capable
are you what are we even paying you for
you haven't paid me yet it is what it is
it aims one of hymns come again ha ha ha
it's raining money thank you thank you I
first paycheck but you spend it on drugs
housing shake a partner or housing feel
like I feel like I should look after me
first
feel like I should sort my own [ __ ] out
before I lump my [ __ ] in with somebody
else's [ __ ] and then trying to figure
out 2 of our shifts together let's get a
house yes I once so now I deserve a cozy
cottage out by the river do you think
you can handle it
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yeah I told you I'm a gamer look at me
go you see must be exhausted
not at all it's cuz I have a lightsaber
and I use the Force oh are you gonna
choose a pet I'm gonna have a Derrick
site ok I want a dog I'm a dog person
sure why not I like cats too though but
I grew up with dogs I'm gonna choose one
choose a decorative plant as well
a weeping fig a Croton plant a
Madagascar dragon tree I'm gonna go with
a Croton plant Wow ok sounds like
something from Mass Effect choose the
size of your television do we even have
to talk about this didn't didn't you see
what does a person with these needs
giant television I'm proud of you thank
you Dad Oh God stripping 2 bucks
alright I'm on the prowl I'm on the
prowl to find me a partner Who am I
gonna find how's your love life cook
it's not at all yet choose your okay I'm
gonna go it female quick swipe left to
Smith's right to approve
what should I do both yeah why not click
it's right to approve left dismiss you
can tell that I have never used tinder
because I actually don't know how this
works
right to approve left dismiss okay Pablo
sure Rose sure Harry sure Zoe
sure Joel Leah willow oh my god they're
all my type they're all my type
what do I do everybody is my type
Oh will you be with a Chad Quinn and
whom are Yousef Diana Ibrahim did you
cut me huh oh man is that that was Pablo
right ibrahim uma I'm kind of going with
whose name is more fun to say
Ibrahim that's good but Pablo yeah but
uma I think uber goes good with
ba-ba-boom ba-ba-boom ah what what let's
just say that all the time like dinner's
ready thanks boo bah choose your type of
date do I want to eat light bulbs do I
want to burn people or do I want to
sniff canvas that didn't sound romantic
what I think romance I think actually
what I think romance I think
it's red for love thus if just want to
have partners let's go on a romantic
date what's an intellectual tape feeding
light bulbs will play ever hear my nose
oh one time thing I thought that was
just like getting down and doing the
nasty and bumpin knees together escape
launch the nuke let's make it official
wonderful how did you two meet
what did the voice change we met under a
lovely bed and rose petals they range
from the sky and wanted them got in my
mouth and she was like call it dr.
Turner paths complete repeatable in case
you don't like the one you ended up with
marriage path available let's do it here
the rest of your meaningful lives
together
tap i-5 choose the size of the ring
really she's basically the drake me like
no yes i'll deem what's necessary for my
fingers should I go with it's like
trying to like cut costs right now
that's too much alright up you can shave
a little bit more up you know let's go
gangbusters
apparently didn't tell me how much I
made and I can afford a house already so
choose the amount of invitations oh god
oh god oh no no no now for that no I was
I was beaming
oh man creeper oh damn her why not I
don't know half the people coming I
don't even know it's like I'm fighting
all of you guys 20 million people show
up choose the size of your cake well if
I have that many guests I'm gonna need a
cake to feed a whole declare you
partners in life no that's up to Jesus
good god stop the deflected you fire
your thing at me and Boop dear what's up
flames checks up the guy and I got a
lightsaber above my bed try it okay
retirement plan I'm dawn take a seat I'm
finish earned every second of it thank
you I do need to retire I'm seeing a
floating lamp alright this is creepy oh
wait oh this is just it
[Music]
this is retirement
I just sit here clicking all day
retirement sucks
Oh ways that cluck it more visible each
time I think so
hi I'm waste five time passes by I'm
dead I died
what happened did I fall in lava pick
the skull sorry but you you're dead no
if you could start over to change
anything it can't be I had so much ahead
of me this is hole ominous hi hey it's
so much to do I had dreams aspirations
goals what happened to my dog I didn't
even see them I should have picked the
lady who was cracking her fingers into a
pot I shouldn't have invited so many
people to my writing I had more time I
didn't even look at the Stars once I
didn't do my job what should I do
Gabe regards please tell me
oh no no no stop it stop it I know it's
happening no you don't want this oh god
not again
please I can't go back but again my dog
I love them oh look at you now who's
your favorite parent
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