♪ Zack Morris is trash ♪
(bell ringing)
- [Narrator] It's winter break at Bayside.
Jessie, Slater and Kelly got jobs at the mall.
Lisa is volunteering at the hospital,
and Zack is sitting on his lazy blonde ass eating cookies.
Zack is at the mall bothering Slater and Jessie
at their jobs when he bumps into a girl.
She says she's late for work,
which Zack hears as an opportunity to stop her twice
and make fun of her for only having an apple for lunch.
Screech had an accident with his new doll
and cleans up in the bathroom.
A nice stranger offers advice
on how to dry his pants faster.
Zack notices him shaving,
and tells Screech to check out that homeless dude,
then scolds him for looking.
The homeless dude says he's lightheaded
because he hasn't eaten all day.
Zack continues to bother him while he shaves,
then leaves a whopping $3 behind in a payphone,
probably because he didn't want
to touch his icky, homeless hands.
Zack wishes him a merry Christmas
with a smug grin on his face,
because $3 will definitely put
this guy's life back on track.
Zack is roaming the mall,
hunting the girl who ran away from him,
and bothers Kelly at her job.
He finds his target, named Laura,
and offers to take her to lunch,
because he knows she only has an apple to eat,
something he once again goofs on.
Laura's considering lunch with Zack, because she's starving,
when Zack sees the homeless guy.
Zack lets everyone know how great he is
for giving him money earlier,
but adds he hopes he doesn't spend
the $3 on wine or super-cheap heroin.
Laura says she's lost her appetite.
Zack sees Laura in the food court.
He apologizes, saying he doesn't know much
about the homeless and adds that in his neighborhood,
the poor family is the one that doesn't have cable.
Zack asks Laura where she lives.
Laura says she lives with her dad.
He asks where, and Laura says they're currently moving,
and they move around a lot.
Zack asks what her dad does,
and Laura says her dad is between jobs.
Then an emaciated Laura politely asks for a chip
before scarfing down a whole bunch of chips.
Zack connects none of these dots
and makes fun of her for eating so many chips.
Zack realizes he can make Laura like him with food,
and buys her ice cream, then takes her to Jessie's job,
and cuts in front of a bunch of kids
to take a picture with Santa.
Santa asks Laura what she wants for Christmas,
and she whispers some deeply disturbing shit in his ear.
Zack asks what she said, and before she can begin to say
she's not sure she can tell him,
Zack hands her a candy cane,
more food, to put in her mouth,
so she can shut up about her problems.
Zack's mom shows up, who has the same blonde hair
to roots ratio as her son, and mentions the Christmas play
she's putting on at the mall.
Laura wants to be in the play, but is hesitant about
asking for time off at her job on her first day.
Zack tells her not to worry about it,
and it's no big deal, then, as she walks away,
makes a really creepy comment to his mom
that he finally knows what he wants for Christmas.
Gross.
Slater is struggling with his job wrapping presents
when the friendly homeless man helps him.
He asks for some of the scraps Slater throws away.
Slater generously gives him a whole roll and some ribbon.
The homeless man staggers away,
takes two steps and collapses,
because apparently $3 with a side of wrapping paper
isn't part of a complete breakfast.
Laura asks her boss to be in the play.
He says no, because it's the busiest time of year.
Laura is upset because Zack got her hopes up.
Zack mentions that homeless guy from before passed out
and is at the hospital, but who cares,
because they need to get to the hospital
to help Lisa donate gifts to kids.
They give gifts to the kids,
then sing their way over to
that homeless guy who almost died.
They visit in full costume.
Zack takes off his Santa beard out of respect.
Zack sees Laura, and still unable
to connect these huge dots, asks why she's there.
He's her dad, you dingus.
To be continued.
Right now.
Laura's dad, Frank, said he passed out from hunger.
Zack gives him some of his stale leftover cookies.
He invites them to his house for dinner,
because now he knows he can get this hot homeless girl
to hang out with him using food.
He feeds Laura until she can't eat anymore,
and tells the weight that she put on
in the last hour looks great.
Zack's mom thanks them from coming over
and says she appreciates having guests
that are different than usual.
Zack clarifies she means they're not used to guests
with big appetites who live at the mall.
Then Zack asks the fun and super-polite question,
"So, how did you become homeless?"
The computer plant Frank worked at went out of business,
and he's had trouble finding work ever since,
especially since he doesn't have nice clothes
for job interviews.
Zack uncomfortably looks at the floor
and says nothing after starting this difficult conversation.
Zack begrudgingly helps his mom set up for the play,
and complains the entire time in a hideous sweater.
Zack sees Laura rushing to work and stops her
to once again use food to make her like him.
Laura sees a jacket at the store she wants to buy
for her dad to wear to job interviews.
She asks for an advance on her paycheck.
Her boss says no.
Zack shows up to interrupt Laura at her job, again,
in an outfit that's still not as dumb as that sweater.
He convinces Mr. Moody to let Laura be in the play
by promising to double his business
with a mysterious whisper deal.
Kelly puts the jacket aside and says
she's going to buy it later as a surprise.
The play is okay, it's fine.
Whatever, who cares.
And Laura learns her lines even though she just found out
she was in the play 10 seconds ago.
But Zack takes his mother's nice play
about the meaning of Christmas and turns it into
a big commercial for Mr. Moody's department store.
- Where are these clothes from?
- For the well-dressed miser,
the only place to shop is
Moody's Store for Men.
- [Narrator] But I guess if you're seeing
free theater in a mall, you get what you pay for.
Mr. Moody sees the missing coat,
and assumes Laura stole it because she's homeless.
He threatens to call the cops,
and she runs her hungry ass away.
The gang splits up to find Laura and Frank,
and they finally leave the mall
for the first time in nine days.
Zack and his mom find them in a car
outside of a Christmas tree lot
and invite them into their home.
Mr. Moody gives Laura the jacket as an apology,
and Zack's parents offer to let them live at their house
until they're back on their feet.
Laura says she doesn't know how to thank them.
Zack suggests sexual favors.
It's a Christmas miracle.
Laura and her dad have a place to stay
until Frank gets a job, only we never see them ever again,
because they probably fucking killed themselves,
or starved to death.
Merry fucking Christmas.
Let's review:
Zack Morris harassed a stranger at the mall
and made her feel bad about her lunch,
made a bathroom spectacle out of a homeless man
minding his business, then thought $3 would change his life,
and felt great about giving him the $3,
even though he was pretty sure he'd spend it on drugs,
used food to get a hungry girl to spend time with him,
cut in front of all these kids
waiting to take a picture with Santa,
and when that homeless guy passed out,
he thought it would be fun to visit him
dressed as Santa Claus,
then invited the homeless man to his parents' nice house
to comment on his daughter's weight
and make him talk about why he became homeless,
turned his mother's Christmas play
into a department store commercial,
and told this homeless girl she should hook up with him
because of his parents' generous invitation
and because she has nowhere else to live now.
Ho-ho-holy shit.
Zack Morris is trash.
♪ Zack Morris is trash ♪
(bell ringing)