hey what's going on youtube this is your certified life and relationship coach coach court and in
today's video i want to talk to you about the best strategy to reattract your dismissive avoidant
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in today's video i want to talk to you about the best strategy to
reattract your dismissive avoidant ex and i have a message from one of my previous clients
i thought this was a perfect perfect message from them because i had already had the idea
about shooting this video today and i just want to go through it really quick it's really it's
really quick so much has happened since you and i talked to cut the long story short we're talking
again he came out of his cave and is chasing after me again i think the distance in space between us
was good in a way i managed to gain my strength back and i don't feel like i'm being needy anymore
i've been reading books and trying to improve myself and i really want to become more secure
rather than anxious i've been binge watching your videos on youtube too quite a lot with the little
emoji with the sweat thank you for sending that message that came right on time i do appreciate
you but uh i think the real work happens when you have multiple sessions with me i have to learn a
little bit about your your temperament um what triggers you and i i think you know one session
really doesn't go a long way this was kind of a really positive one i really discounted her
session because she was kind of short on finances which is okay with me i understand it's Covid
but she made a real turnaround she applied what i told her right away and she came out with some
good results the first thing that you want to do in order to reattract them is you want to
back away and give them the time and the space for the anxious preoccupied that's really difficult to
do because we are triggered and our anxious our anxiety is going all over the place and when an
anxious person is triggered we tend to lean more towards that spouse instead of leaning away
leaning away feels like it's counterintuitive and we feel like we need to do something that's called
the illusion of action and when you are in that state you can be getting feedback from anybody
from coaches from friends from family and you just won't be able to apply that advice or even hear it
because you're so triggered and you're anxious but what you need to do and i'm telling you
uh is to back away and give them the time and the space that they're usually asking for
the next thing you want to do is to work on yourself and when i say working yourself i mean
really do some soul searching and try to figure out where this needs to have such an unhealthy
of a dynamic of a relationship is coming from what happened to you to where you feel like you
need to chase after this person and become that codependent and once you've gotten yourself to the
point where you are far enough from the breakup to where you feel like you'll be uh a little bit more
under control emotionally if you were to re-engage that person that's when you want to re-engage if
it wasn't a real ending to the relationship and that person just pulled away from you
then i would say that it's safe to reach out to them right away because the reason that we don't
reach out is either that fear in us the fear of rejection that's not wanting to reach out because
our pride or our ego was getting a little bit uh out of control and taking the driver's seat
or because you're so just frustrated with having to be the one to always reach out first when
you re-engage you want to do it in a safe and an empathetic way you want to look at it as like um
not somebody that's trying to do you wrong on purpose you want to do it in a way that you
understand why they are the way that they are and if you're able to deeply comprehend that if i just
put myself in their shoes and understand why they are the way they are what what makes them tick
then it'll be a lot healthier for you to do it in that manner i like to use the turtle in
a shell analogy i don't know if you guys ever been to the zoo or have you ever seen a turtle
sometimes those turtles can go into their shells for a really long time and it's hard
uh waiting around for them to come out of their shell so when they're feeling unsafe and they're
feeling as if they're losing their freedom or their independence they'll go into their shell
and you have to wait around for that and when you reengage them you don't want to be too hot
and you don't want to be too cold because if you make them feel bad for going in and reflecting on
why they're feeling a certain way and how to best proceed then they're going to feel attacked when
they come back out and which is going to make them withdraw anymore if not push them further away now
if they were the one that broke up with you then you want to give them at least a couple months you
want to give them the time to see you differently get through all of their party phase or whatever
it is they're going through get to their relief phase where they they don't have to have somebody
relying on them and trying to make them who they want them to be once they get past that if they
do see a future with you it'll be a good time for you to reach back out when you do reach back out
make sure it's safe like i said before make sure it's safe make sure it's light and it's humorous
because people who doesn't like humor who doesn't like things to be fun
light and playful reengage them in that way and if the communication is flowing freely and fun
ask to reconnect because i believe that the magic happens in person all this text in there we do
and all this communication over social media it doesn't show you who the real person is
you have to do that in person you know that's when the chemistry starts to really flow as in person
face time doesn't get it get it done for you so when you can read the room a little bit
and know that hey they may be open for uh a get together then i would say go ahead and pull the
trigger because too much dancing around and uh not seeing each other isn't gonna be in your favor
if the things are going the way that i think they're going up into this point
you definitely don't want to talk about getting back together while you're on the date
give that time let them come to you let them kind of feel things out a little bit and
determine whether or not they want to revisit this thing again don't put any pressure on them to be
in a relationship again and remember you get no brownie points for the previous relationship no
matter how long you were together the courtship has to start all over again you have to reattract
them the same way that you did before so if you found this video of any value please like comment
and share reach out to me on my other social media accounts twitter is coachcourt2 instagram
as i am coach court and facebook is i am coach court thank you guys and i will talk to you soon