♪♪
-Hey, everybody.
Okay, so in the credits last week, we...
had a credit that said the show was produced
by the O'Reilly Crime Syndicate.
That was, of course, a reference to the family
that is really running things here in the building.
I know O'Reilly is not their real last name...
[ Laughter ]
...but I have used their real last name
in the past,
and when I did...
I was told in no uncertain terms
[Irish accent] to never use the real name, boyo.
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] And I was not told politely.
[ Laughter ]
Let me make clear.
Walking down the hallway after a show,
all of a sudden the lights go off...
bag over my head.
And I knew it was them, because there were like 20 of them.
It's like 40...rough hands giving me the business.
The message was received is all I'm saying.
You might be wondering, "Oh, Seth, you have security.
Where it was John?"
Where was John...O'Malley?
[ Laughter ]
Would you believe he had a "family emergency" that day?
Pretty convenient.
[ Clears throat ]
We showed this Amelia Earhart statue
from Purdue University.
You can see the name there. This actually --
Someone at Purdue said
it's actually right outside Earhart Hall.
It's a residence hall.
I guess it's one of the nicest ones.
Only problem -- hard to find.
[ Laughter ]
I said it was a little troubling
they made a statue of her where
she's holding a very important part of the plane.
But I guess this was a -- this is a famous moment,
one of her favorite -- one of her famous quips.
She was also known --
She is known as "the Oscar Wilde of the skies."
And she was walking by holding this.
Legend goes...
Someone said, "Hey, Amelia, don't you
need that for your plane?"
And she said, "Oh, this?
No, this is just a prop."
[ Laughter ]
We talked about how the MGM lion roar
is actually a tiger roar
because the tiger sounds fierce in a way
we, the audience, expect a lion to sound.
A jackal reached out to say not only that,
when you hear an eagle scream
in a commercial, film, television,
they're actually using the sound of a red-tailed hawk.
I looked this up. I confirmed this.
Because an actual bald eagle sounds like a squeegee.
So I was curious to hear what that would sound like.
Let's take a listen.
-[ As Andrew Squiggman ] Hello!
-Oh, a Squiggy.
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckles ]
I read that --
[ Chuckles ]
I read that one wrong.
Let's just get through the -- my worst part of the week.
I have said -- [ Laughter ]
I have said time and time and time again,
don't use the P.O. box to send me Mac Tonight merchandise.
Okay?
It's like the one thing I don't want.
And it keeps showing up.
Actually, it's not. I want to reiterate.
It's not the one thing I don't want.
There's two things I want you to send me --
Mac Tonight merchandise
and Fabergé eggs.
[ Laughter ]
So I'm going to show you this week's haul
in a reverse order of how distressing I found it.
I don't -- I don't care for this jacked blue guy at all.
[ Laughter ]
I don't -- This looks like...
looks like he'd have his way with you.
Um, this -- Look.
This is impressive craftsmanship,
but this isn't a piece of rock art I know what to do with.
I don't care for the fact
that it's holding in a mug that says
Wally down by its crotch.
[ Laughter ]
Again, I appreciate the time --
I don't like when you make it me.
I don't like that.
That's worse.
It's worse when it's me.
And I know a lot of you think to overcome my fears,
I have to become them.
Or at least I guess that's the message of this nightmare.
[ Laughter ]
And then...this came.
It's like Happy Meal toys, right?
And you might be like,
"Hey, Seth, that seems less distressing
than everything else you've show me."
Well, here's the thing, you guys.
it came with this card that says,
"Congratulations on your new home."
[ Laughter ]
Like, I guess implying they [bleep] know where I live?
[ Laughter ]
It's like Mac from [bleep] "Watcher."
[ Sighs ]
I was sent one other Mac Tonight-themed thing,
and it is, no exaggeration, too distressing to show on TV...
...and I know it is too distressing
because I showed it to someone at NBC Standards,
and exactly a week after I showed it to them, they died.
[ Laughter ]
And they know it was Mac Tonight related,
because they did an autopsy
and they died from an overdose...
of Filet-O-Fish.
They had two.
[ Laughter ]
And you might be like, "Seth, you saw it.
Obviously, you had to see it before you showed it
to the person at NBC Standards.
Like, how come you didn't die?"
I feel terrible to say this.
I think I lived because I showed it to someone else.
[ Laughter ]
So, if you ever see it for a quarter of a second...
make sure you show it to someone else.
Um...
Bathrooms don't echo. They reverberate.
[ Laughter ]
Um...
Echoes gets smaller with each successive one.
I guess when I did my echo, I didn't get quieter.
So to the person who said that, I just want to say
you're annoying, you're annoying, you're annoying...
[ Laughter ]
Um, Marjorie Taylor Greene couldn't kick open
a bathroom door like a saloon
because they only open in.
Don't count her out.
[ Laughter ]
George Santos lied about playing volleyball at Baruch College.
I said Baruch College isn't exactly renowned
for its volleyball program.
One of you took offense and said --
and these are their words --
"Baruch College has won their league pretty regularly
and had some moderate post-season success."
[ Laughter ]
So I stand corrected.
What I should have said was Baruch College
isn't exactly renowned for its volleyball program.
[ Laughter ]
We talked about Biden maybe having secret documents
from his time in the Senate, which started in 1973.
We joked that he would be listening
to classified 8-track cassettes.
We referenced Blue Oyster Cult's
"(Don't Fear) The Reaper."
Well, a bunch of Blue Oyster Cult superfans,
otherwise known as the Blue Oyster Cult...
[ Laughter ]
...they reached out to say that song was from 1976,
and Biden, again, as we established, started in 1973.
I kind of thought it was within the realm
that it didn't have to be the first year,
but I guess I should have dug harder...
found a song from 1973.
So, if you want to take this
and you can edit it into that "Closer Look" for
when you go back to watch it...
since you're so [bleep] upset about it...
[ Laughter ]
"Ah, this...
Leroy Brown guys sounds bad.
'Bad' bad."
[ Laughter ]
We showed our favorite video that we often show --
Joe Biden tripping up the stairs.
And our joke was if you showed that video -- because, again,
we're taking note of the fact
that it's so hard to figure out how you can trip up --
if you showed that video to Isaac Newton,
he'd burn up his notebooks and start over.
Some of you said it would be more likely
that if we showed that video to Isaac Newton,
he would freak out over video technology.
You might think, but all he cared about was gravity.
It didn't matter how it was packaged,
he just focused on the gravity.
If a naked woman fell from the sky and landed in his lap,
all he would care about was that she came straight down.
You know, he was not liked...
by the mathematicians of his era...
because they also knew the whole time
that if an apple fell, it would fall down.
And they didn't realize that if they told somebody that
they'd be known as the father of gravity.
[ Laughter ]
So he was formally known as Sir Isaac Newton,
but to them, they called him -- behind his back, of course --
No [bleep] Newton.
[ Laughter ]
I guess a couple of weeks ago
we talked about Norwegian tourists
in Times Square looking for the M&M's store, and...
well...
someone from Norway took offense at...
the grammar we claimed Norwegians would have
if they were speaking English.
"Dear Seth, you had a bit
where you did a Norwegian impression,
and it was disappointing.
I think you missed the accent,
but more troubling was the grammar.
Even those Norwegians with heavy accents
are likely to be very comfortable with the language.
Consider Jens Stoltenberg, sexy General Secretary --
Secretary, sorry, General of NATO
and former Prime Minister of Norway
as a possible example.
Thank to you for be reading this.
May up be the place. You keep the good work."
So, it fell apart at the end.
[ Laughter ]
We showed a video last "Corrections"
proving that when the Roadrunner says "meep, meep"
it's not the noise it's making,
it's the WB censors meeping them out.
And we got our hands on an uncensored version,
and we showed that when
the "meep, meep," you hear it on screen,
what the Roadrunner was actually saying was "[bleep] off."
And a bunch of you asked, "Why would the 'off' be meeped?
Why wouldn't it be 'meep off'?"
Well, you obviously don't have kids
because if it's "meep, meep," you can tell the kids
that's the sound the Roadrunner's making.
If it's "meep off," then they want to know
what the meep is for, right?
And then the whole day, they're like,
"What's the meep? What's the meep?"
And you're like, "It's not for you. It's only for adults."
And they're like, "We want to know! We want to know!"
And then eventually you hit your breaking point
and you tell them to [bleep] off.
[ Laughter ]
Someone wrote, "In real life, coyotes catch and eat
roadrunners all the time."
Cool.
[ Laughter ]
Pass that on to my friends at "Looney Tunes."
[ Laughter ]
I said someone knit me this jackal,
when it is clearly "cro-cheted."
[ Laughter ]
Uh, complaint.
Not a correction, a complaint...
that I've stopped doing my Al Pacino impression.
And it's true.
There was a time when I was doing it
with great regularity, but that time has passed.
I think of my impressions...
not as voices I'm doing...
...but rather tiny people who are inside me,
using me as a vessel to tell their stories.
And when they've told their stories,
I think it is best to move on
so it doesn't hinder my own personal growth.
So with my Pacino, as much as it pained me...
to do so...
it was time...
to say goodbye to my little friend.
[ Laughter ]
Someone wrote, "Correction -- you don't give penicillin
for gonorrhea,
but they do usually give one dose of ceftriaxone."
And that one was sent to us by...
anonymous.
[ Laughter ]
Let's see. Is there anything else?
-[ Shrieking ] -Seven days!
[ Laughter ]
I feel very confident that this will be
our most watched "Corrections."
[ Laughter ]
Or else there are going to be a lot of dead jackals!
See me next week!