- Okay, well, bye!
Gotta go, like, save my friend!
And he's like,
"Wha-
what, no kiss?"
(upbeat music)
I feel like generally my dating experiences
have been like pretty underwhelming.
I am a hopeless romantic and have somehow managed
to only have awkward,
horrifying,
just like generally
unexciting,
dates.
Jealous?
Okay, so this was about 5 years ago.
Back in New York, OkCupid was like, in its prime,
and I was like,
vehemently adamant that I didn't want
to do the apps.
I wanted to meet organically,
I wanted a meet-cute moment.
My friends were like,
"You have to try the apps,
like you're so hard, so judgemental,
like, such a New Yorker,
like, you have to give people a chance."
So I did,
and I matched with this guy on OkCupid,
and he like, looked really hot, seems normal,
okay.
We met on like, the street corner in the East Village,
and he like, right away looked like Steve from Blues Clues,
and I was like no, cancelled,
but I was like, you gotta stay,
so I was like, oh, hi,
and he seemed like, normal enough.
Was like, wearing khakis,
like the whole, just Steve, Blues Clues ensemble.
So then we go to cross the street,
we're walking to a bar that he chose.
So in New York, unlike Los Angeles,
you can jaywalk,
and in fact, it is the preferred method of travel on foot,
and I go to cross the street,
and there's a car like,
two blocks away,
like really far away.
So I'm like, okay,
and he goes "Whoa!
Whoa Whoa!"
He like grabs me, which like,
no.
And he's like
"Whoa whoa whoa, baby bird, I just saved your life."
and I was like,
I mean the cars like still a block away
but like, okay.
He's like "Well" He's like
"I feel like you're my baby bird now"
(cricket chirp)
Never call a woman a baby bird.
We get to the second intersection.
There's another car coming,
cause New York is a city, its alive, its fantastic.
There's another car coming
even farther away,
and I go to cross the street again.
He stops me again, he goes like
"Whoa whoa whoa baby bird, aren't ya glad your mother bird
saved ya?
Want me to regurgitate in your mouth a little?"
I literally like in that moment was like,
I could die right now.
Horrifying, I literally can't find words.
Uhhh so, I was like no I think I'm good.
Again, I really should have run away right then and there
but I'm trying to stick with it.
We get to the bar and I go to sit at the bar,
like at the literal bar.
He goes "Oh, no no no, I hate sitting at the bar
there's too many people"
And I look over and it's like literally empty.
And he's like, "lets go sit in that corner."
Like, oh you mean the sketchy like corner in the shadows.
Great.
So we go, we sit down,
and he's just like immediately,
he was 28 at the time, I was 24,
and he's like
"Agh, like, it's so nice to go out with someone
whose not just like dying to have kids."
And I was like, oh I mean I'm
24, I'm like, not remotely thinking about that.
He's like "Agh, I mean" he's like
"I don't mean to be whatever but like,
I've been on OkCupid since it began."
It's like,
not something to brag about dude.
It's like, he was acting like he was bringing up
some indie band that he discovered like way before
it was cool.
And he goes "ugh" you know he's like
"women my age, like all with there biological clocks"
and he
lunges over
grabs my stomach
and goes "oh don't worry,
I'm sure you've got great ovaries"
and just like stares at me.
What would good ovaries look like,
what does that mean?
Anyways, I immediately text my best friend
who's at the ready knowing that I'm on a date
because that's what you do.
And I, I'm like
call me! call me! call me!
so, she calls me, I'm like,
oh hey! Like, you okay? What's up?
And then he goes
"Oh, heh, are you doing that thing where like
if a friend call you on a really bad date."
And my friend could hear him say that and she's like,
Abort! Abort!
And I was like no actually like, she's needing to get out
of a really bad date like I'm so sorry, like,
you're great but I gotta go.
And he goes
"Oh, let me walk you home."
and I was like oh no no no, like that's fine.
Like I do not want this guy to know where I live.
And uh, he insisted.
He's like "No no no no baby bird, like I'll go with you."
Anyways, he walks me home, he walks to my door,
and I'm like,
okay well, bye gotta go like save my friend.
And he's like,
"Wha-
what,
no kiss?"
And I was like , hm nope, I'm a lady.
And I like turn around and I run upstairs and I blocked him
immediately on the app, my phone, and all devices.
Moral of the story is that,
if you're like sensing red flags,
like from the beginning.
Just leave, you don't owe anyone anything.
And if you feel unsafe, or you feel like
someones just generally creepy and bizarre.
You reserve the right to
not
hang out with them for an evening.
(upbeat music)
My dating experience has been a mixed bag.
There have been some really terrible dates,
and some pretty good dates.
So I was fresh out of college.
I was
21 years old,
and my mom decided that I was already an old spinster,
and that she needed to hook me up with someone immediately.
So what she
set me up with this guy that she met on a plane.
So she gave my number to a complete stranger.
So I
looked at his profile and like my mom said
he did look like a male model.
He was really really hot,
like I cannot explain to you this guy.
So I was like sure, I'll date him,
I mean
I'm just shallow like that I guess.
And
so,
I went on this date,
I lived in New York at the time.
We just like walked around central park,
and
we had a good time.
We were
getting drinks
and
dinner and he was like a little bit 'bro-y'.
So he just kept being like
"I cannot believe that we are on this date,
I met your mom on a plane and now like, here we are.
This is like so insane."
Generally it was like a pretty decent date.
And then um,
we're getting ready to part ways,
and he goes
"I haven't really been honest with you,
I have a girlfriend, but if you want to have a three way
like we'd be totally down."
He gave no indication, that he was in a relationship,
that he didn't want to date me.
He seemed like pretty into it.
And so I was like kind of taken aback.
It was like,
very shook.
I just like kinda feel bad for his girlfriend,
like I don't know if his girlfriend knows
that he went out with me
or if that like, she was in on it,
and they were like trying to find someone to have a
three way with, but,
it was kind of insane.
I think the moral of that story is,
sometimes you shouldn't go out with a hot guy
just cause he's hot.
Never listen to
your mother.
I think that's a good moral right?
Yeah.
(upbeat music)
The one and
the one and only time
that I dated an actor,
was with this gentleman.
I just want to give a little PSA
about why you should not date male actors.
Cause they are quite possibly,
the most self absorbed humans on the planet.
Uh, I once dated this guy who was an actor and
loved to talk about how the New York Times,
loved to talk about he was beguiling.
And
unbelievably attractive.
You know we dated for like,
what was probably like 14 days, but I was just so,
I mean this guy,
was an Adonis.
Like,
the physique of a god, with the personality
of a pile of shit.
But like I was blind, I was blinded by abs.
Real big ego boost for me.
We were literally dating for, I'm not kidding
two weeks, if that.
And he would like drink an entire bottle of wine,
and would just go on and on, being like
"Do you know how hard it is to be this attractive
and not know if someones interested in you for you
or because you have a symmetrical face?"
Like dead serious.
He was also the kind of guy that would constantly
brag about the fact that he had never pursued
anyone in his life, and has always been pursued.
Modesty is becoming.
You know it ultimately didn't work out
and I think it taught me a much needed lesson.
That even if he looks,
the part
he needs to act the part.
You know?
(upbeat music)
So when I started going on dating app dates.
I went on a lot that were super questionable
because the people were very different online
than they were in real life.
And so I went on this one date,
we decided to go to a bar.
And he was thirty minutes late
because he was coming from his clowning class.
So he hugs me hello and he smells
bad.
Like shrimp,
rotten eggs,
and
horror.
I was like, this guy has hygiene problems
but I didn't want to make him feel bad so I like
tried to stick it out for the rest of the date.
So we're talking about normal date stuff,
and I ask him where he's from.
And he says New York.
He
was going on and on about all these conspiracy theories
he has, like he and his brother just like came up
with all these things, and he's like on all these
online forums, and how like he believes the government
was involved.
Which I,
what?
He didn't ask me about myself either.
He just like kept going on and on about his
own stuff.
I honestly, just kind of let him talk.
I just let him talk because
I didn't know what to say to that.
And so I was like
very
freaked out.
I just kind of
brushed it off.
And then he just goes on this
tirade about all his childhood trauma.
And I just felt like his therapist.
And it was uh,
truly, awful.
He walks me out to my car and he like grabs my face,
like those, this was spectacular.
And then like leans for the kiss, and I was like
no thanks.
Got in my car.
Didn't say bye.
And, sped away.
I could barley see his face in the pictures,
but his profile was like kinda funny and weird.
But, I guess like it wasn't, purposefully funny.
Like he was just like kind of weird.
I don't know.
I don't feel like I learned very much from that.
(upbeat music)