WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANS LEGALLY WE ARE LIVE AFTER JOE BIDEN'S FIRST OFFICIAL STATE
OF THE UNION ADDRESS.
AND LET ME TELL YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT WAS
A ROLLER-COASTER RIDE OF RIP-ROARING REASONABLENESS.
KEEP IN MIND, A WEEK AGO, THIS WAS GOING TO BE A TOTALLY
DIFFERENT SPEECH.
BUT WHEN UKRAINE WAS INVADED, THE WHOLE WORLD CHANGED.
BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, THERE IS A DICTATOR WHO THINKS HE CAN
VIOLENTLY CONQUER A SOVEREIGN DEMOCRACY, BUT JOE BIDEN BEAT
HIM IN THE LAST ELECTION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHOA!
>> Stephen: OH!
>> Jon: WHOA!
>> Stephen: AND NOW THE WORLD IS FACING ANOTHER ONE WHO IS
ROLLING TANKS INTO UKRAINE.
MANY LAWMAKERS WORE THE COLORS OF THE UKRAINIAN FLAG, BLUE AND
YELLOW.
IT'S A SHOW OF SOLIDARITY NOT SEEN SINCE THE LAST "MINIONS"
MOVIE.
( LAUGHTER )
ON EVERYONE'S MIND: VLADIMIR PUTIN'S INVASION OF UKRAINE.
>> HE THOUGHT HE COULD ROLL INTO UKRAINE AND THE WORLD WOULD ROLL
OVER.
INSTEAD, HE MET WITH A WALL OF STRENGTH HE NEVER ANTICIPATED OR
IMAGINED.
>> Stephen: YES, HE RAN INTO A WALL OF STRENGTH, WHICH IS WHY
WE MUST KEEP VLADIMIR PUTIN FROM ACQUIRING WEAPONS OF MASS
KOOL-AID.
( LAUGHTER )
THEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES CALLED FOR A
SYMBOLIC GESTURE FROM ALL THOSE PRESENT:
>> LET EACH OF US, IF YOU'RE ABLE TO STAND, STAND AND SEND AN
UNMISTAKABLE SIGNAL TO THE WORLD FOR UKRAINE.
( APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE )
OVER THIS WEEKEND.
OVER THE WEEKEND, BIDEN AND OUR ALLIES IMPOSED CRIPPLING
FINANCIAL SANCTIONS ON RUSSIA.
AND TONIGHT, BIDEN ADDED A MEASURE AIMED DIRECTLY AT
PUTIN'S BUDDIES: >> THE UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT
OF JUSTICE IS ASSEMBLING A DEDICATED TASK FORCE TO GO AFTER
THE CRIMES OF THE RUSSIAN OLIGARCHS.
WE ARE JOINING WITH OUR EUROPEAN ALLIES TO FIND AND SEIZE THEIR
YACHTS, THEIR LUXURY APARTMENTS, THEIR PRIVATE JETS.
( APPLAUSE )
NOW SEIZE BEZOS' PENIS ROCKET AND THAT STUPID COWBOY HAT!
WOOO!
Oh!
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: AND THE SMACKDOWN DIDN'T STOP THERE.
>> TONIGHT I AM ANNOUNCING THAT WE WILL JOIN OUR ALLIES IN
CLOSING OFF AMERICAN AIRSPACE TO ALL RUSSIAN FLIGHTS FURTHER
ISOLATING RUSSIA.
>> Stephen: BOOM.
NOW RUSSIANS WILL ALL BE STUCK IN THEIR AIRPORTS, EATING
CINNA-BORSCHT.
BUT IF HE REALLY WANTED TO PUNISH RUSSIA, HE'D JUST DIVERT
ALL THEIR FLIGHTS TO NEWARK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TERMINAL "C."
TERMINAL "C," BABY.
AMERICA'S NOT ALONE IN THIS FLIGHT.
THE E.U. AND CANADA HAVE ALREADY BANNED RUSSIAN PLANES FROM THEIR
AIR SPACE.
AND ALL FLIGHTS TO RUSSIA HAVE EVEN BEEN CANCELLED BY THE
LOW-COST, HUNGARY-BASED AIRLINE WIZZ AIR.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU CAN'T EVEN TAKE A WIZZ.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND THEY'RE HUNGARY'S NUMBER-ONE AIRLINE.
pWHEN HIS SPEECH TURNED TO THE AMERICAN ECONOMY, HE STARTED
WITH THE CLASSICS: >> MY DAD HAD TO LEAVE HIS HOME
IN SCRANTON, PENNSYLVANIA, TO FIND WORK.
>> Stephen: WOO!
DO "NO MALARKY!" DO "DOG-FACE PONY SOLDIER!"
SNIFF SOMEONE'S HAIR!
THEN-- IT GETS VERY HOT, VERY FAST.
THEN BIDEN STARTED TALKING ABOUT HIS RELIEF PLAN, AND CHUCK
SCHUMER GOT OUT A LITTLE AHEAD OF HIS SKIS:
>> THE AMERICAN RESCUE PLAN-- THE AMERICAN RESCUE PLAN HELPED
WORKING PEOPLE--
>> Stephen: ARE WE-- ARE WE-- ARE WE NOT CLAPPING?
OKAY, OKAY, I'LL SIT DOWN.
SORRY.
>> --AND LEFT NO ONE BEHIND.
( APPLAUSE )
THERE YOU GO!
I DIDN'T-- THAT WAS-- I SAW I GOT A LITTLE...
IT'S KIND OF WEIRD.
I'M LIVE BUT EVIDENTLY CHUCK SCHUMER IS ON A SEVEN-SECOND
DELAY.
THEN BIDEN MADE A BIG PROMISE: >> WE'RE GONNA PROVIDE
AFFORDABLE HIGH-SPEED INTERNET FOR EVERY AMERICAN: RURAL,
SUBURBAN, URBAN, AND TRIBAL COMMUNITIES.
>> Stephen: YES!
BECAUSE IN AMERICA, REGARDLESS OF WHO YOU ARE OR WHERE THEY
LIVE, EVERYONE DESERVES THE FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHT TO
STREAM PORNOGRAPHY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE EFFORTS OF AMERICAN WORKERS.
>> POWERED BY PEOPLE I'VE MET, LIKE JOJO BURGESS, FROM
GENERATIONS OF UNION STEEL WORKERS IN PITTSBURGH.
WHO IS HERE WITH US TONIGHT.
WHERE ARE YOU, JOJO?
>> Stephen: "JOJO WAS A MAN WHO THOUGHT HE WAS A LONER, BUT HE
KNEW IT COULDN'T LAST.
JOJO, JOJO LEFT HIS HOME IN TUSCON, ARIZONA, FOR SOME
CALIFORNIA GRASS.
GET BACK!
GET BACK, JOJO!"
GET BACK TO WHERE YOU ONCE BELONG!
COME ON, NO, I'M SERIOUS, FOLKS.
GET BACK!
NOT EVERYONE WAS FOCUSED ON THE SPEECH.
KEVIN McCARTHY WAS THERE BUT BUSY LOOKING AT HIS PHONE.
TO BE FAIR, TODAY'S WORDLE WAS PRETTY TRICKY.
( LAUGHTER )
IN THE HOUSE NOT PAYING ATTENTION LOOKED DISRESPECTFUL.
BUT KEEP IN MIND, HE MIGHT'VE BEEN ON AMAZON SHOPPING FOR A
SPINE.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
YOU'LL LIKE HIM.
MANY OF BIDEN'S CABINET WERE THERE.
WE GOT TO SEE SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION PETE BUTTIGIEG
IN THE BALCONY.
JUST KIDDING.
I'M JOKING!
WE MAKE JOKES!
JUST JOSHING.
THAT BOY IS JOSHUA DAVIS, A 13-YEAR-OLD WHO HAS BEEN
FIGHTING TO HELP KIDS WITH TYPE 1 DIABETES.
BUT A SEAT AT THE STATE OF THE UNION WASN'T THE ONLY REASON IT
WAS A SPECIAL DAY FOR JOSHUA.
>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BUDDY, BY THE WAY.
( APPLAUSE )
YOUNG PEOPLE WITH TYPE 1 DIABETES, LET'S CAP THE COST OF
INSULIN AT $35 A MONTH.
( APPLAUSE )
ADORABLE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THOSE CHEEKS!
AND-- THIS IS TRUE-- IT'S HIS 13th BIRTHDAY.
THE POOR KID GOT STUCK WITH THE WORST BAR MITZVAH THEME OF ALL
TIME: RAMPANT INFLATION.
( LAUGHTER )
MOMENT.
I MEAN, THERE'S NO ONE IN THAT ROOM CUTER THAN THAT KID.
( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
I STAND CORRECTED.
THE PRESIDENT ALSO ANNOUNCED THAT COMPANIES WHO TOOK
ADVANTAGE OF COVID RELIEF WERE FINALLY GOING TO BE HELD
ACCOUNTABLE: >> THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT WILL
NAME A CHIEF PROSECUTOR FOR PANDEMIC FRAUD.
>> Stephen: HOPEFULLY, HE MEANS FINANCIAL PANDEMIC FRAUD, AND
NOT LYING ABOUT "MAYBE BEING pEXPOSED" SO YOU CAN GET OUT OF
GOING TO YOUR COUSIN'S DESTINATION WEDDING.
( LAUGHTER )
>> I'VE ORDERED MORE PILLS THAN ANYONE IN THE WORLD HAS.
>> Stephen: WOW, I DIDN'T KNOW JOE WAS CAST IN THE NEXT SEASON
OF "EUPHORIA."
THERE YOU GO!
NOTHING LIKE A LIVE SHOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
BIDEN FINISHED HIS SPEECH WITH THE UNVEILING OF HIS BIG "UNITY
AGENDA," AND THE FIRST ITEM STUCK OUT TO ME.
>> LET'S TAKE ON MENTAL HEALTH.
>> Stephen: I CAN'T BELIEVE HE MADE A DIRECT ATTACK ON
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEN-- >> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: BIDEN ENDED WITH A ROUSING SALUTE TO AMERICA.
>> WE ARE THE ONLY NATION ON EARTH THAT HAS ALWAYS TURNED
EVERY CRISIS WE HAVE FACED INTO AN OPPORTUNITY.
THE ONLY NATION THAT CAN BE DEFINED BY A SINGLE WORD.
>> Stephen: STUFFED-CRUST!
WAIT, THAT'S TWO.
CRUNCHTASTIC?
BENNIFER?
( LAUGHTER )
I INTERRUPTED.
YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT THE STATE OF THE UNION?
>> MY REPORT IS THIS: THE STATE OF THE UNION IS STRONG BECAUSE
YOU, THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, ARE STRONG.
( APPLAUSE )
STRONGER TODAY THAN WE WERE A YEAR AGO.
>> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE, BUT IT'S A PRETTY LOW BAR.
A YEAR AGO, WE WEREN'T WEARING PANTS AND OUR ASSES HAD MERGED
WITH OUR COUCHES.
( LAUGHTER )
WAS A POWERFUL SPEECH AT A MOMENT OF GLOBAL CRISIS, AND
BIDEN BROUGHT IT HOME WITH A ROUSING CALL TO NATIONAL
GREATNESS: >> THIS IS OUR MOMENT.
TO MEET AND OVERCOME THE CHALLENGES OF OUR TIME, AND WE
WILL AS ONE PEOPLE, ONE AMERICA, THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
GOD BLESS YOU ALL, AND MAY GOD PROTECT OUR TROOPS.
THANK YOU.
GO GET HIM.
>> Stephen: YEAH, GO GET 'EM!
JUST DO IT!
SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM!
PLAY BALL!
GET JIGGY WITH IT!
GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL!
THAT'LL DO, PIG.
THAT'LL DO.
FOR FRODO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
♪ ♪ ♪ LET'S GO!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, MEANWHILE!" ♪ ♪ ♪