Geoffrey here,
if you're currently in the process of trying to reconcile in your relationship,
that's a good bet there.
You're also battling some very intense anxiety and very intense emotions
throughout this whole process as well. Now, in the previous video,
I talked about some of the mental practices that you can use to really get over
this separation anxiety. And if you haven't watched the video,
then I placed a link to that video in discussion box below this video.
But in this video, I want to go deeper into another dimension of separation,
anxiety,
and a dimension that people rarely talk about and be sure to stick around until
the very end of this video here. Because again,
this is something that very rarely do other coaches that our videos talk about,
but it's a shame because this is such a crucial paradox that you need to be
not only aware of,
but also understand how to remedy it and how to combat against it as well.
And if you need to just channel my name is Geoffrey and I've made it my life's
mission to help you men in long-term relationships or in marriages with the
right mindsets, with the right skills,
to be able to reconcile and save your relationship by yourself from the ground
up. So if you're looking for more content on this topic,
then I want you to subscribe to this channel and click the like button as well
to be notified when I post new videos every single week. And really quickly,
before we begin this video,
I want to let you know that the registration for the master class on the five
proven steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up is still open.
So if you want in, on that master class,
be sure to stick around until the end of this video for the announcement on
that. So just to set the stage for our discussion today here,
I want to show you some of the most common comments that I get from a lot of
people who are currently in the process of trying to save the relationship.
So the first one that I hear a lot is, you know, Jeff,
I'm known as supposed to be bettering myself, but honestly,
I'm in such a bad state of mind. I am full of anxiety.
I can't think straight, I can't sleep.
And as much as I love your videos and I want to join your program,
I cannot do it because I'm just not in a state of mind at the moment.
Maybe I'll get back to you and I'll start to better myself and really learn the
right process this year. Once I'm in a better state of mind,
that's the first thing that people say a lot.
The second thing that people say a lot, you know, I'm Jeff,
I'm sure I'll be able to stay calm and stay more patient and do the right
things. When my partner starts to commit back to the relationship like,
you know, now my partner wants divorce. She really doesn't want to commit.
And that's creating so much anxiety in me. I, I know what I'm supposed to do,
but I can't do it. It's just too much for me at the moment.
And basically what people usually tell me here is that yes,
they want to work on themselves. They want to learn the right frameworks.
They want to learn the right mindset to be calmer,
to be better in their relationship,
to show up as a better person in the relationship.
But really they can't do it because either their partner is
committing to get away from the relationship.
And basically they're waiting for their partner to at least have assemblance of
coming back to the relationship before they're really ready to commit and really
ready to better themselves for the sake of bettering themselves.
So if you're saying these things,
either subconsciously or any variations of these things,
to where your motivation for working in yourself really depends on whether your
partner is coming back on how hopeless your partner feels. And so on.
One is going to be really unlikely that you can ever reconcile any relationship.
And two, I want to show you why, when you think like this,
this will actually create a self fulfilling prophecy of why your partner
would not come back. So if you're saying I'm feeling a lot of anxiety right now,
because my worst nightmare is that my partner is going to leave.
If you keep your anxiety, if you don't get rid of the anxiety first,
your partner is going to most probably leave as well to understand why I say
this. And I say this with such certainty.
I want you to understand the source of the anxiety that you're feeling here
first. So what is the actual root cause of it? You know,
if you watch a lot of videos on separation, anxiety and just anxiety,
the roots of anxiety in general, especially in relationships,
there are going to be, uh, assigning it to sometimes some attachment issues.
Maybe you have some childhood issues or childhood traumas or
traumas in the past to where this gives you a lot of these attachment issues.
Maybe you have some abandonment issues.
And so on what I can tell you is that it's usually none of those things.
Those are just very surface symptoms of what is actually happening here,
because while those are great starting points of diagnosing what's happening and
understanding what's happening, there's actually something deeper.
And we can actually boil that down to something even simpler.
And that's something simpler as usually when you feel this anxiety,
whenever you feel the lack of control,
the lack of approval or the lack of certainty,
and more specifically your anxiety that you feel right now is caused by your
lack of control approval and certainty,
and either your partner or your circumstance.
So basically you were attaching your desire for control approval in certainty,
in something outside of yourself.
But right now at this exact moment in your current relationship,
you're not getting those things you're desiring in those external things.
So for example,
you want very badly to convince your partner of
your changes of why your partner should trust you.
You want to control your partner's emotions and decisions towards the
relationship towards you.
But you realize at this moment that there is really nothing you can say to
convince her, to control her,
to make a different decision than what she's trying to make right now.
And that lack of control in your partner is make and causing a lot of anxiety in
you so much anxiety in you.
Another example here is that you want your partner to notice your changes,
to give you some approval, emotional approval, not just verbal approval to say,
I've see your changes, but not really commit to you.
You want her to really feel your changes,
but you realize that no matter what changes you're making your partner is really
not feeling and believing in your changes.
So you're not getting that approval from your partner that you're seeking.
And you also want to have the certainty of what your opponent's decision is.
Do you want a divorce or do you want to come back?
But then when you find out that your partner says to you, I don't know.
I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what to feel.
I don't know what to think. That also creates a lot of anxiety in you as well,
because you're not getting that certainty about this very difficult situation
that you're in as well. And all this stuff, the lack of control,
the lack of approval, the lack of certainty is the thing that is really driving.
You nuts,
forget about abandonment issues and all these attachment issues behind those
attachment issues.
The real core is that you don't know how to handle those lack of
control approval and certainty. So what is the point here?
What am I trying to say? I want you to think back to the past,
to the toxic behaviors that you have done to get you to this exact position that
you're in right now,
where your partner wants to leave and doesn't have any hope.
What are those toxic behaviors caused by some level of anxiety?
Most likely, yes, most likely all the controlling, the temperamental,
the needy,
the toxic things that you've done was bred out of some form of anxiety.
And most likely that anxiety that you felt that caused you to do all those toxic
things in the past was rooted in the same three things.
You were feeling some lack of certainty,
some lack of approval or some lack of control in either your circumstance.
So life may be getting your challenges or the lack of control,
certainty approval in your partner as well.
And your toxic actions in the past were really just your desperate attempts to
regain that control, to regain that certainty and approval.
That honestly you can never get because you can never really control your
partner. You can never really control your circumstance.
And right now the same anxiety is really tempting you to want to
do a lot of the same things,
a lot of the same toxic and needy things at the moment.
And it's also stopping you from doing the actual productive things like working
on yourself so that you can reconcile in your relationship.
So I want you to notice here that the anxiety you feel right now during
your separation or when your partner feels really hopeless in the spot where
the future of your relationship is uncertain.
This anxiety that you feel right now is actually the same anxiety that you felt
earlier on in the relationship and at the same anxiety that caused you to
get to where you are in the first place to, to, to cause you to do toxic things,
to get to where you are in the first place.
So basically what does in the past present or future you not being able to
handle your lack of control,
certainty your approval here will cause your anxiety.
And when you're acting out of your anxiety like this,
you are going to do a lot of pushy,
needy and toxic behavior because you are desperate.
So this really brings me to the chicken or the egg problem.
A lot of you are saying, for example, that your partner should come back now,
and then you may be giving her all the reasons that she needs to really come
back, that you can say it to yourself. If you come back right now, honey,
I'll do the right things. That'll be better in the future. I promise you that.
You're saying basically that you are not going to be driven by the same anxiety
that caused you to do to toxic things in the past, in the future.
You're not going to do that in the future anymore. In the future,
things will be better, but do you see the paradox here?
And why is she can't really believe you? I don't believe you neither.
You should believe yourself because if you feel this anxiety right now,
it means that you still to this day,
you can't handle that lack of certainty approval or control.
So if you look at your behavior right now,
you can promise yourself and your partner all day long about how you will never
do the toxic things in the future.
It really is really difficult to believe because the evidence of the future
behavior is what you're feeling right now.
And what you're feeling right now is that you're still controlled by your
anxiety. So in the future, you may think you will never lose yourself,
but really you will because you're losing yourself right now
at this very moment. You're losing yourself. Now,
the other dimension to this too,
is that if you were really honest with yourself at this point,
the reason why you're so bothered by your lack of control approval,
a certainty for your partner is because you need it.
You need that control. You need that approval. You need that certainty. If not,
your happiness will crumble. And again, the case in point,
the proof of that is how you're feeling right now.
You're not getting those three things and you are losing yourself.
You are losing your happiness.
You are just in shambles and you were in shambles because you need that thing.
You are needy. That's the definition of being needy.
Like literally your state of happiness depends on whether you're getting those
three things from your partner or not.
And if you were in a place of need like this in this place of desperation in
this place of anxiety,
there is zero chance that you're actually ready to create a happy relationship.
This is zero chance because when you're coming from a place of need or a place
of scarcity,
you're not going to be concerned about actually giving in your relationship.
For example,
right now you don't care if the fact that your partner doesn't actually want to
come back to you,
all you care about is that she comes back what you want.
Because again, you need what you want. You need her to come back.
And if you're a needy place like this in a desperate place like this,
you're going to be very, very selfish.
And in the selfish place that you will never going to be able to create,
be in a position to even create a happy relationship. Anyway. So bottom line,
if you feel the intense anxiety right now, when your partner wants to leave you,
when your partner feels hopeless,
when your partner wants separation or a divorce,
it almost always means that you're not ready for her to actually come back.
That's the paradox of this whole thing is that you think you'll be less anxious
when she comes back.
But really she was never going to come back because your anxiety says that
you're not ready for it to come back. Anyway.
It means you're still controlled and you're not able to deal with the lack of
control, the lack of certainty and the lack of approval in circumstances,
or with your partner as well.
It most likely means that you are going to still be controlled by your anxiety
in the future,
and be driven subconsciously to doing all the toxic and needy things in the
future again.
And it also means that you're actually not ready to be in this place of
selflessness and giving in your relationship. You're not ready for.
So the anxiety that you feel is really what will make you do toxic things in the
future. It's,
what's making you do the toxic things in the present moment and in the past as
well. So again, ask yourself why the heck would your partner come back?
If her leaving creates so much anxiety in you,
do you see how your anxiety is actually telling her,
telling me and should be telling yourself a lot about the state you're in how
ready you are, how much you've changed and so on.
So you're driven by this anxiety right now.
I want you to start thinking clearly and getting the chicken or the egg
solution, correct here.
The first thing is do not ever let yourself justify yourself,
feeling anxious at this moment, unless your partner comes back first.
So if you're saying to yourself, I, Jeff,
I'm going to feel less anxious when my partner comes back,
that's a paradox you're not seeing. And that if you're anxious,
your opponent will never come back.
So literally you will never get rid of your anxiety because your anxiety will
tell her everything she needs to know about the place you're coming from,
and your anxiety will make it difficult for her to really feel your changes in
an emotional level. So never, ever justify using the statement right here.
What you need to be thinking about is actually learning how to become less
anxious first and become graceful under pressure first then,
and only then do you actually have a chance of your partner coming back?
Because it means that you're not really controlled by your desire to control
desire for certainty and desire for approval.
You're not coming from this selfish place anymore.
And you are actually internally ready to give what your partner actually
wants and needs at that point. So how do we do this? Well,
the problem here is not really your desire for control certainty improval
itself. The problem here is really in that you are desiring control,
certainty, and approval from your partner, from your circumstances.
And both those things are fundamentally something you can not control.
And so when you're trying to control something that you cannot control,
that's when you have very intense anxiety,
your emotions will run a muck and you are going to be forever drowned and the
state of anxiety for the rest of your life. Now,
what you need to do now is to tether your desire for control your desire for
certainty and approval to yourself. More specifically,
I want you to tether these three desires to the processes
and what I mean by process. Again,
if you haven't watched my videos on this is tether your certainty and approval
and control to try and to control your understanding your mastery of the
frameworks. For example, your ability to be able to talk to your partner,
to conduct conversations, to start conversations, to dance around conversations,
to resolve conflicts and a lot tether.
Your desire for control approval is certainty to your own ability and your own
mastery of how you manage your mindset,
how you manage a Bulletproof vest,
how you manage your emotions and thinking and so on and tether your desire for
control approval, uncertainty to your identity shifting,
or your ability to get outside your bubble and embody a different self embody,
a different character who can actually execute the frameworks and the mindsets
properly, effortlessly, and with enjoyment as well. So again,
the summary here,
the big picture here that I want you to take away with is that if you are
letting your anxiety right now,
justify or give you excuses from actually working on yourself and
getting rid of the anxiety,
and you're waiting for your partner or circumstances to change before you're
willing to work on the anxiety,
or if you're relying on the hope that when the circumstances change or when your
partner changes their mind, then you can remove some of that anxiety.
You are fooling yourself is never going to happen.
You have to learn how to get rid of your anxiety first,
despite all of the bad circumstances, despite the lack of control, certainty,
and approval,
so that you can get the certainty control and approval of your partner and
also of the circumstance. This is the paradox that I want you to see.
It's an important paradox that I think a lot of people miss.
And I think a lot of people fall into this trap of thinking,
and they're remaining stuck in their bad cycle for a very, very long time.
And I want you to avoid that completely. Now,
the more difficult question of course is how, how do we actually do this?
How do we actually, um, give you mastery of the process?
How do we actually get your mind away from focusing on trying to control and get
approval from uncertainty,
from the external circumstances or your partner and back into yourself.
And every single day,
this is something that our students are mastering and have mastered in our
relationships rebel program. In that program,
our students are finding this inner peace,
despite this turmoil and difficult situation right now, and in the inner peace,
they're able to have the right mindset and have the right frameworks to be able
to slowly convince their partner emotionally that they have changed and to come
back eventually to that relationship.
So if this sounds like something you want to do and something you want to
explore and learn more about that,
I want you to join my masterclass on the five proven steps to rebuilding your
relationship from the ground up in that master class,
I'll show you the exact process of not only the frameworks,
but also the mindset shifts you need and the identity shifts you need.
So you can get your brain not only away from the outcome and into mastering the
process. And once you master the process,
I want you to use your mastery of the process to plant the right seeds and
retract your partner, no matter how hopeless or how,
how dire do you think your circumstance is at the moment?
And if you'd like to apply for the relationships revel program,
you can also do that at the end of this masterclass.
So if you're interested in joining this master task or interested in joining the
program, then I want you to click the link above my head right now,
or also down below in the comments below or in the description box below this
video as well.
And if you're looking for a guide that can help you lead conversations in a
healthier way,
in a way that doesn't lead to arguments in a way that actually opens up your
partner in a deeper way that I want you to download the guide I have for you up
above my head, also down below this video as well.
And if you're looking for a group where you can join that group and ask your
questions and actually get good support and from the members of the community or
even myself, sometimes then I want you to join my free Facebook group.
And the way you can join that is by clicking the link down below this video as
well. In the meantime,
I want you to leave a comment below which a part of this video did you find most
insightful, most eyeopening. Let me know.
I'd love to hear from you and don't be shy here. I want to hear your thoughts.
I want to hear your comments and I'll try my best to respond to it as soon as I
can. And if you found this video helpful,
then I want you to like it and subscribe to this channel for more content like
this one in the meantime, I will leave you with this.
Two other videos that we referenced in this very video to give you more tools
and mindsets, to be able to design a thriving relationship for yourself for now,
I'll see you in the next video.