- She takes the fucking dish and breaks it
and says, "Seven days," [speaking Spanish]
On the way home, I'm like, "That bitch got a
big spread to cover."
[laughs]
Holy shit!
[dark electronic music]
♪
[multiple blows land]
♪
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome to "This is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Ari Shaffir.
And today, all the stories are about karma.
[cheers and applause]
He is one of the best comedians in the world.
One of the best storytellers in the world.
You know him from his podcast,
"The Church of What's Happening Now."
One of my best friends in the world, Mr. Joey Coco Diaz.
[cheers and applause]
♪
- I'm Catholic, you know?
It's not the fucking most popular thing
to be anymore, you know?
So I was always ashamed of my Catholicism and shit.
And then, I'm Cuban.
When you're Cuban, you have a little Santeria in you and shit.
You have, like, an aunt that cuts chickens
and shit on the weekends and...
and puts spells on them.
You don't tell nobody about it, so...
I never told nobody about it, then I watched
that fucking documentary on Scientology, right?
And I'm like, here's a bunch of rich, white,
intelligent people waiting for a fucking Martian, you know?
At least Santeria's from Africa.
I mean, seriously.
When I saw the fucking Scientology thing,
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
They're nice, intelligent white people
waiting for a fucking Martian
wearing a Navy suit, saluting each other and shit.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You got everything going for you, you dumb motherfuckers.
And these people are around us, they're all around us.
"Hi, I'm a Scientologist."
Get the fuck away from me.
Waiting for a fucking Martian.
And that's right, I fucking said it.
I don't give a fuck.
I got one foot in the grave, one on a banana peel.
What they gonna do? What they gonna do?
I'm not gonna be in a Travolta movie?
Fuck him. I don't give a fuck.
Fuck them Scien-- and there's, like,
three of youse here.
Suck my dick, too.
I don't give a fuck about you dumb motherfuckers.
Living in a fucking rocket ship.
Rich white people.
They got one black guy in the fucking thing.
And if you're Jewish and you converted
to fucking Scientology,
I hope Moses fucks you in hell.
You dumb motherfuckers.
You're the strongest race, fucking killed killed Jesus,
and now they're hanging out up there, fucking--
you know, with these idiots up there.
You fucking momos. Have some soul.
Fucking jerk-offs.
I get emotional about Scientologists.
I'm sorry.
Now, if you're a Sciento-- I got a story for you
that'll make you fucking convert to Santeria by the end
of the fucking night, all right?
When I was a kid, my mother had a bar near the city.
I was a little kid, and I'd see cops come in
to take their weekly bribes.
It was a patrol guy-- a beat guy
in a suit that would always come in.
Chino, nice guy.
I would always talk to him,
always get a drink and be very polite.
My mother would just slip him an envelop on the bar.
Then there was a detective that would come in once a week.
He'd have a drink, bust my mother's balls
about Cuban food, you know.
But they-- nice guys, you know?
And I asked my mom one day,
"Well, what do you pay these fucking humps for?"
And she said, "Because when they break my window,
we have a stabbing here, they come here first
and they cover it up."
That's how--it's the cost of doing business,
so I, you know-- I didn't know--
They weren't dirty cops.
These guys were family guys. They were great guys.
This went on--when I was about 12, I went into the bar
one afternoon after school and there was this fucking
long-haired, dirty looking motherfucker,
you know, yelling at my mother.
And he was an undercover cop and he was a Cuban guy.
And I cold hear him talking to my mom in Spanish
with another Cuban guy, like, "We want fucking money
every week," you know, "We'll come back in the week.
"We better get our fucking money.
We're gonna put all you fucking Cubans in jail."
And about a week later, I was there again
and this douche bag comes in again, he's talking to my mom.
But my mom, the whole time, is smiling.
Let me tell you motherfuckers something.
Pre-revolution Cuba, before 1959--
those motherfuckers are tough.
Tough!
Man, Batista made Fidel look like a daycare center.
Batista didn't fuck around.
Those Cubans are fucking tough. My mother was tough.
And my mother would go off on you, but this day,
she was just smiling.
[soft laughter]
But I could tell it bothered my mom.
These Cubans in Union City, they have--
that was the second-biggest Cuban community,
so we had a bunch of bars.
We had a [speaking Spanish].
We had Club 38.
This is--listen to this, this is straight up.
Club 38, his name was Willy Vandi.
This guy was the grandson to the guy in "Godfather II"
that they took the senator to see in Cuba.
They had the chick tied up and the guy
had a big dick, remember?
With a mask and a top hat?
This was his grandson and he had a big dick, too.
I swear to God. I was, like, 12.
I went over there with my dad one night, I saw his dick,
I got all dizzy and shit. It was fucking huge.
He had this immigrant chick tied up, and he would just
smack her with the dick and shit.
A little black Cuban dude with a top hat,
fucking playing the conga.
It was fucking tremendous, right?
I'm like, "Holy shit!"
That guy's dick was fucking big and he was white.
It was to the fucking floor, this guy.
It looked like a fucking tail.
This was amazing.
[laughs]
So.
These fucking Cubans--one day, I get to my mother's bar
and all these Cubans are in there talking.
Like, this fucking Cuban guy got to go.
This guy's got to go, right?
And I'm making believe like I don't hear shit, you know.
These Cubans were selling a little bit of
drugs, they were booking.
So this guy wanted their action, you know.
They already paid a vig and these guys wanted their action.
So one night, my mom--
There was this Puerto Rican family on 26th Street
that I used to shoot hoops with.
Their mom was a little
straight-laced Puerto Rican chick.
Didn't drink, did do-- didn't even curse.
But once a month, she passed this fucking spirit.
Like, a dead African fucking maid or something, right?
Oh, it was tremendous.
It was like the "Walking Dead," and she'd fucking drink a
bottle of 151 and spit it out and blow it on
candles and shit and fires and shit.
When you're a kid, that shit's tremendous.
You're giggling and shit.
"This bitch ain't dead, right?"
So...
So this chick's in her fucking trance, and I'm giggling
with her kids, and she looks at my mom and she comes over
to my mom and she goes, "What's going on with you?
Somebody's giving you a hard time."
And she turns around, she gets a white dish,
and she gets a fucking candle, and she goes like this
under the fucking dish.
Then she throws the candle, that blows up like a
fucking magic trick and shit.
She turns the dish around...
It was like an image, like the ones that are
on tortilla, you know?
When fucking Jesus shows up in Mexico.
But it was on a plate, and it was like an image.
And she goes, "Is this the guy that's bothering you?"
Out of nowhere. Out of nowhere!
I shit my fucking pants. I'm like...
She takes the fucking dish and breaks it.
And says, "Seven days." [speaking Spanish]
On the way home, I'm like, "That bitch got a
big spread to cover."
[laughs]
Holy shit!
I don't say nothing. I don't say nothing.
I wasn't allowed to talk about that shit
with my little fucking Italian friends or nothing.
So about a week later, I go to grammar school.
I get in there and--I was going to school in North Bergen,
which is a complete different jurisdiction.
And I see the teachers talking about--
I hear them talking about bullets.
But, you know, somebody's body language?
You knew something happened.
I go to class, I get out of class, I get on my bicycle,
I ride up to my mom's bar.
The fucking Cubans are in there doing blasts.
These are when Cubans did real coke out of aluminum foil.
Fuck the grinder.
They would just put fucking rocks in their nose and shit.
I'd have to tell my mom, "Ma, wipe your nose!"
They're all up there, fucking celebrating,
clinking glass-- I go, "What happened?"
They go, "That fucking cop got killed last night."
It was this taxicab company. They sold coke.
Rapido Taxi. They were Cubans.
Rápido
And they never had no customers,
they just flew around the fucking town.
So he went down there to make a collection, like, midnight,
and they got him and his partner.
He shot the fuck out of that motherfucker.
Shot him!
And the partner's still alive. He got stuck in the car.
He says he couldn't get out, but they got him with buckshot.
So the fucking guy, they chopped him in half with the bullets.
I fucking got on my bicycle, I went up--
this was before "CSI."
There was a brick wall just fucking
blown apart with bullets.
The shell casings were everywhere.
They fucked this motherfucker up.
And I was like, "I got to pay attention to that
"motherfucking lady more often.
'Cause that bitch got magic powers, jack."
I forget about this story, I move on with my life.
A thousand things happen.
I go to jail, I come out.
I got to apply for a fucking job with a Honda dealership
in Boulder, Colorado.
They go, "A couple of people got to interview you,
but one of them is Cuban."
And, you know, "He's gonna come in a little while."
He comes in, we start talking.
I go, "So where you from, Miami or Union City?"
He goes, "We used to be from Union City, but my dad was a cop
and he got shot there 20 years ago."
And all of a sudden I got dizzy, like I saw
Willy's dick all over again.
[laughs]
Well, I got the fuck out of there.
I ain't working with this kiss of death.
And that's the story.
Thank you very much, guys.