(upbeat music)
- As you probably know, every year
the leaders from around the world meet in New York at the UN
to discuss major global issues.
It's basically Comic Con for diplomats.
This year's General Assembly
is going to be extra special though,
because it's President Trump's first.
Yeah, and just in case world leaders
weren't completely familiar with him,
this weekend President Trump on Twitter
decided to reintroduce himself.
- An early morning Twitter spree by President Trump
is sparking controversy tonight.
- President Trump is being slammed
for his use of Twitter this weekend.
- President Trump appears to have found a new nickname
for the North Korean leader.
He tweeted this morning: "I spoke with President Moon
of South Korea last night.
Asked him how Rocket Man is doing.
Long gas lines forming in North Korea. Too bad!"
- It's great to know that if America
is ever in a war of bitchiness,
President Trump's got it covered.
Ooh too bad, Rocket Man.
We've tried diplomacy, now we've gotta try sass.
Unlock the sass codes.
Wouldn't it be fun if that was a way you could fight?
If instead of nuclear weapons you had sass,
like "You ready, unlock them," but there's no key,
you just like yeah. (fingers clicking)
It's just be strange.
I will say this: we know Trump is definitely taking
Kim Jong-un seriously now,
because he's officially given him a nickname.
Yeah, you realize he only does that
with all his greatest enemies.
Low-energy Jeb. Little Marco.
Lying Ted.
We'll know when Bob Mueller
is about to indicted Trump for collusion,
because he'll start calling him fake Sam Waterston!
- The United States has great strength and patience,
but if it is forced to defend itself or its allies,
we will have no choice
but to totally destroy North Korea.
Rocket Man is on a suicide mission for himself
and for his regime.
- Okay, I don't know what's more insane:
the fact that Donald Trump
just stood in front of the United Nations
and threatened to wipe out a country of 25 million people,
or the fact that he followed that up with Rocket Man.
(audience laughs)
Like, you're gonna follow it up with,
like, a little catchphrase joke?
That's like walking into a crowded space,
pulling out a gun and being like, "Did I do that?"
Yeah, you did.
(upbeat music)
It's a New Year, people,
which means everyone is working on their resolutions.
For me, it is all the normal ones:
get out to the gym more,
stop giving people Ebola, read more books.
And, apparently, President Trump's New Year's resolution
was, "I should spend more time on Twitter."
- The president unloading in his first day
back here at the White House, 16 tweets.
Mainly a mixture of taunts and threats.
- [Reporter] President Trump raised the temperature
in his duel with Kim Jong-un
who had boasted of having a nuclear button
on the desk in his office.
"Will someone from his depleted and food starved regime
please inform him," the president wrote, "that I too
have a nuclear button but it is a much bigger
and more powerful one than his and my button works."
(audience frowns) - You know,
I know that Donald Trump is trying to be menacing here,
but all I hear is a really catchy pop song, he's like
♪ My button brings all the boys to the yard ♪
♪ And they're like, it's bigger than yours ♪
♪ Damn right, it's better than yours ♪
(audience cheers)
If you had a supercomputer
that could run a simulation of a billion ways,
you know, to find the stupidest possible way
to get into a nuclear war,
this tweet is what would come up every single time.
There are some things
that Twitter just isn't appropriate for.
Because just take a step back,
take a step back and think about what pressing the button
would actually mean.
Hundreds of thousands of people incinerated instantly.
And they would be the lucky ones.
Millions more would die horribly in the next few weeks,
while any survivors would be left to suffer
in the desolate world that is choked by poison ash.
That's not for Twitter, people.
At the very least that deserves a Tumblr post.
(upbeat music)
Trump is in a bad way.
They found his lawyer's secret tapes
and it turns out that the FBI did have a valid reason
to investigate his people.
Plus, the President just saw this really disturbing video
of a waitress body slamming perfectly nice customer.
He's having a bad time.
It's a full on barrage of problems.
So, late last night Trump reacted by grabbing his tweet box
and creating a problem for all of us.
- Breaking news is overnight:
the President threatening war with Iran,
language that raises new concerns.
- President Trump fired off this threat:
"To Iranian President Rouhani:
never ever threaten the United States again
or you will suffer consequences
the likes of which few throughout history
have ever suffered before."
- He was in all caps
which means he was yelling back at Iran.
(audience laughs)
- What?
What do you..?
Why is he explaining caps lock
(audience laughs) to Fox viewers?
They're old, they're not Amish. Like, come on.
He's like, "Now, there's also a yellow face
with a smile on it.
It's not a real person. That's a..."
But yes, President Trump has made an all-caps threat
to destroy another country,
and remember, this is the same way
he threatened fire and fury on North Korea,
yeah, and then six months later
totally caved to Kim Jong-Un,
yeah, so there's a good chance
that in a few months we'll see Trump saluting Iran,
and America will be under Sharia law.
Yeah, he'll be like,
"I gave Iran everything they wanted, folks,
and now there will be peace Inshalah."
(upbeat music)
After Syrian President Bashar al-Assad
attacked his own people with chemical weapons last week,
the world has been waiting to see
if president Trump would respond with military action.
And because this is a decision
that could lead to an all-out war,
the President announced his decision
with all the gravitas it demanded.
(dramatic music)
- President Trump is up and firing off tweets
about the situation in Syria.
- [Reporter] "Russia vows to shoot down any and all missiles
fired at Syria.
Get ready, Russia, because they will be coming,
nice and new and 'smart!'"
- It's hard to see how this is anything
but the President of the United States
declaring war on Twitter.
- I feel like we joked about this, and now it's become real.
'Cause when Trump got elected, we were like,
"He's gonna start a war on Twitter. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha."
And then before he got elected, we were like,
"He's gonna become President, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha."
Yeah, it turns out every joke about Trump
is just a headline that hasn't happened yet.
And also, why does Trump tweet so weird?
"These missiles are nice and new and 'smart'"?
It sounds like he's trying to fix them up with the missiles.
It's like he's saying to the Russians,
"Look, I know you don't like blind dates,
but these missiles, they're really nice, really smart.
Just come. No pressure.
It's just a launch, come on."
And now a lot of people have pointed out
that Trump used to mock president Obama
for telegraffing his military decisions in advance,
and now he's doing the exact same thing.
But, i mean, let's be honest,
at this point, Trump's hypocrisy is so unsurprising,
it's not even fun anymore.
Like, you see it coming.
It happens and you go, yup.
It's like someone handed you
one of those novelty cans of nuts
with the snake inside, but it's labeled,
"novelty can of nuts with snake inside."
It's like, surprise!
(upbeat music)
All over the news, the big story is still about the U.S.
killing of Qasem Soleimani, Iran's top general
and hottie who used to have a body,
because hate him or love him, you have to admit
the man was good looking.
I mean, look at him.
Look at him, he's like a terrorist George Clooney.
Should be named People Magazine's sexiest man
who's no longer alive.
Take that, Abraham Lincoln!
So, now that Iran's top commander is dead,
where does that leave everybody else.
Well, let's catch up on all the latest developments
in our ongoing segment Middle East War Part Two:
This Time It's Persianal.
(audience cheers)
Now, aside from the million
or so people at his funeral yesterday,
everyone else agrees that Soleimani was a bad guy,
responsible for death and destruction around the world.
He oversaw attacks on U.S. soldiers in Iraq,
he helped prop up Bashar-al Assad in Syria
and he was the executive producer of "Cats,"
all horrible things.
(audience laughs)
But as bad as Soleimani was,
not everyone agrees that killing him
like this was a good idea.
The same way things only got worse
when America got rid of Saddam Hussein,
or when America got rid of Muammar Gaddafi,
or when America got rid of gluten,
because I don't know what it actually is,
all I know is once it was gone, everything tasted like shit.
So there are a lot of people,
there are a lot of people questioning Trump's decision
and even some Republicans are lashing out.
- [Reporter] Republican senator Rand Paul
said the killing of Soleimani
is the death of diplomacy with Iran.
- You would have to be brain dead to believe
that we tear up the agreement,
we put an embargo on you and we kill your major general
and they're just going to crawl back to the table
and say, What do you want, America?
- Excuse me, senator?
How dare you suggest America's President is brain dead!
That is so insulting!
Mr. President, why don't you go ahead and educate this fool!
- [Reporter] President Trump defended himself on Monday,
saying the United States is a lot safer now.
- [Donald] We'll see what happens.
we'll see what the response is, if any.
But you've seen what I said our response will be.
(audience laughs)
- Okay, Rand Paul, I, like your barber,
owe you an apology.
(audience laughs)
Now, look, the truth is
it's not that surprising that Trump's response
is so muddled and confusing, because he's Trump.
What is interesting is how the entire administration
seems to be just as confused
about every aspect of this situation.
For instance, starting with the rationale
for why they killed Soleimani in the first place.
- The Trump administration is scrambling to explain
the two words that led to all of this: imminent threat.
- Was the justification this imminent threat?
- Chuck, it's never one thing.
You have been at this a long time.
The American people are smart, too.
It's never one moment, it's never one instance,
it's a collective,
it's a full situational awareness of risk.
If you're looking for eminence,
you need look no further than the days that led up
to the strike that was taken against Soleimani.
- When you say the attacks were imminent,
how imminent were they?
We're talking about days, we're talking about weeks?
- If you're an American in the region, days and weeks,
this is not something that's relevant.
(audience laughs)
- Okay, like, hold up, man.
You can't say the threat is imminent,
then when people ask how imminent,
you're, like, well, time is irrelevant,
(audience laughs)
because that's specifically what imminent means.
Like he's acting like we're crazy for asking a question,
"An attack was imminent, okay?"
It's like, really, Pompeo, how imminent?
"Geez, you guys are obsessed with numbers!
Get off my back, rainman!"
So america is on the cusp of war
and, already, the most basic question, why are we doing it,
has been unclear at best.
But the fallout has been handled just as clumsy.
Because remember, Iraq's government
was so mad about the drone strike
happening on their soil
that they asked america to leave the country for good.
Well, yesterday, the U.S. government
made two stunning announcements
in the span of a couple of hours.
First, they were withdrawing its troops from Iraq
and, second, forget that thing that we first just said.
- [Reporter] Adding to the confusion Monday,
the Pentagon circulated a letter announcing a withdrawal
of U.S. forces from Iraq.
But the Pentagon later said there is no decision
to leave iIraq, and it was just a draft.
- [Mark] It was a mistake, an honest mistake.
- Yeah, that's right, the Pentagon released an announcement
saying they were pulling out the the troops
and then they were like, backsies!
I didn't take my hand off the piece,
I didn't take my hand off the piece, that's not a move.
Like how do you send out
a draft military announcement by mistake?
These people control nuclear weapons
and they can't even handle Microsoft Outlook.
How do you do this, huh?
Like, "All right, it's time to bomb Iran!
Oh, shit! I sent them a referral code to GrubHub!
Sorry, guys! Sorry, guys!"
So, it's not clear why the administration chose
to kill Soleimani now and it's not clear
if the troops are leaving Iraq or not.
One thing's for sure,
they also don't seem to know what they would bomb next.
- The Trump administration struggles to put out
a cohesive message about how the United States
plans to respond to Iran's latest threat.
- [Reporter] The president is threatening to strike
52 sites in Iran, including cultural ones,
which would violate international law.
Senior administration officials
either publicly contradicted Mr. Trump
or said he had not said what he said.
- The American people should know that every target
that we strike will be a lawful target
and it will be a target designed at the singular mission
of protecting and defending America.
- [Reporter] President Trump vowing
he is prepared to strike back,
though he's now backing down
from threats to target Iran's cultural sites.
- We are, according to a various laws,
supposed to be very careful with their cultural heritage,
and you know what?
If that's what the law is, I like to obey the law.
(audience laughs)
- What? "I like to obey the law"?
No, you have to obey the law.
Trump makes the law sound
like it's an optional topping at Chipotle.
Bitch, it's the Geneva Convention, not pico de gallo.
"I like to obey the law."
But like, come on, how does this administration
never seem on the same page?
Trump says they'll bomb cultural sites,
his administration says they won't,
Trump says he will, they say he won't,
now he says he won't.
It's almost like they have a group chat
but Trump never gets the message because he's on Android,
that's what it seems like.
(audience laughs)
So you know, the truth is,
as much as we insult the Trump administration,
at least they're learning from America's previous mistakes,
because in 2003, the Bush administration had a plan
to go into Iraq but no exit strategy.
So now the Trump administration is like,
ah, I see where we went wrong.
This time, no entrance strategy. Lesson learned.
(upbeat music).