Saudi Arabia. For years, they've been known
as the superconservative country
where women can't drive, gay people get flogged,
and thieves have their hands chopped off.
Now, for the thieves, uh, they can't say they weren't warned.
I mean, Saudi Arabia literally has a sword on their flag,
so you know. Yeah. They're owning that shit.
It would be like if the NFL made its logo a sad brain.
You know, you...
Yeah, in a way, you kind of respect them for their honesty.
But, last year, Saudi Arabia got a new leader,
Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, or MBS, for short.
Many people were hoping that he would transform Saudi Arabia
into a more progressive nation.
And on the surface, it seemed like Saudi Arabia was changing.
But then this happened.
Now to the mysterious disappearance that has prompted
an outcry around the world.
REPORTER: This is the last time Saudi journalist
and Washington Post columnist Jamal Khashoggi was seen alive,
entering the Saudi consulate in Istanbul last week.
What happened next is a mystery.
Khashoggi, a vocal critic of Saudi Arabia's crown prince,
Mohammad bin Salman, told the BBC
three days before he went missing
he knew he'd made powerful enemies.
So, a Washington Post journalist
known for criticizing the Saudi government
was seen entering the Saudi consulate,
and then he was never, ever seen again.
Now, I'm not a detective, but come on.
Yeah. And even though it seems pretty obvious
to everyone what happened here, the Saudi government claimed
that Khashoggi left its consulate in one piece, right?
But then they say he left through the back door,
and there's no footage of him leaving
because their cameras don't store footage,
which sounds like a crazy excuse to me.
'Cause what kind of security cameras don't store footage?
It's just like, "Well, you see, our system was designed
"by Snapchat. Yes. Uh, the picture goes away very quickly.
"Not useful. But the puppy filter-- adorable. Adorable.
Really wonderful."
So, according to the Saudi government,
this journalist is not dead--
he's just hanging out in Malaysia with Tupac.
But the Turkish government,
the Turkish government has come out, and they're calling BS.
Turkish officials are now painting a very grisly plot.
They say that 15 assassins, effectively,
uh, Saudi officials, arrived on two chartered planes.
They killed him within two hours of his arrival.
They took the body out in a convoy of vehicles
including a black van.
Holy shit. 15 assassins,
private planes, and a black van.
Like, this doesn't sound like real life.
Sounds like the opening of a James Bond movie, you know?
Like, all that's missing is Idris Elba
chasing them in a helicopter.
And, yes, I just said Idris Elba will be the next James Bond.
If you say it, it will happen, people.
-It's called the Secret. -(cheering and applause)
It's called the Secret.
So, so, it's looking more and more
like Saudi Arabia had Khashoggi killed.
And, uh, this isn't just a big deal for Turkey
and Saudi Arabia.
This is an American problem, too,
because Khashoggi is an American resident
who writes for The Washington Post,
and it would be hard for America to continue being allies
with a country that assassinates journalists.
So President Trump was asked to step in
and get to the bottom of what happened.
I just spoke with the king of Saudi Arabia,
who denies any knowledge of what took place.
The king firmly denied any knowledge of it.
He didn't really know.
Maybe... I-I don't want to get into his mind,
but it sounded to me like maybe these could have been
rogue killers. Who knows?
We're gonna try getting to the bottom of it very soon.
But his was a flat denial.
Wait, what?
Did you just say it could be rogue killers?
Like, how does Trump always find a way
to introduce random suspects into the most obvious crimes?
'Cause you realize he does this every time, right?
Like, now they're like, "It's the Saudis in the cars"--
he's like, "Maybe it's rogue killers."
Before it was, like, Russia, and he's like,
"Maybe it was Russia, or maybe the hacking
was a 400-pound guy in a basement."
Like, I would hate to play Clue with Trump.
It would be so frustrating. He'd be like,
"Could've been Colonel Mustard,
"or maybe it was the shoe from Monopoly, folks.
"We don't know. Nobody knows.
Either way, case closed."
And one of the reasons President Trump might be so eager
to believe the Saudi Arabians is because they've promised him
that they'll buy over $100 billion in U.S. weapons.
So this is a relationship both sides want to maintain,
which is why Saudi Arabia is preparing
to release their latest excuse.
Saudi Arabia is getting ready
to change its story about the disappearance
of a Washington Post columnist in Turkey.
The Saudis are now willing to say
that Khashoggi was captured inside their consulate
in Istanbul and then died during his interrogation.
Saudi leaders are preparing to admit
to the accidental killing of Jamal Khashoggi,
despite denying that they harmed him
or even knew of his whereabouts since his disappearance.
Okay, now, I don't know whether to be horrified or impressed,
'cause this is diabolical.
The Saudi government is testing their excuse
before officially using it?
That's something I've never seen in my life.
They're like, "We never saw this man,
"but what would you say if we said we did see him,
but we killed him by mistake, huh?"
"Well, then you would be punished."
"Well, in that case, we never saw him."
For more on Saudi Arabia's evolving story,
we turn to our own Michael Kosta, everybody!
(cheers and applause)
Michael?
I... I'm sorry, man.
Every day... every day,
this story gets more and more confusing.
Yeah, well, maybe for you, Trevor,
but I'm a bit of an expert on Saudi Arabia.
See, I saw two-thirds of Aladdin on Broadway.
Well, then the asshole usher asked me if I had a ticket.
But the point, Trevor, is people shouldn't be offended
that Saudi Arabia is testing their excuse.
Americans should be honored.
Oh, but-but why, Michael?
-I mean, if they're testing excuses... -Mm-hmm.
-...it clearly means that they're lying. -(scoffs)
Trevor, countries lie to us all the time.
You really think there's a Finland?
Grow up. Okay.
So many countries lie to us, but Saudi Arabia respects us enough
to find a lie that works for both of us.
It's fibbed for our pleasure, if you will.
Okay, but-but why would America want to believe a story
if it's obviously a lie?
Because that way, it saves our relationship.
I mean, if we found out that our Middle Eastern bestie
murdered a journalist, we might have
to stop selling them billions of dollars in arms.
But if we both decide to agree
that he fell in a volcano inside the consulate,
well, then, bring your punch card Saudi Arabia,
because it's buy nine missiles, get the tenth one free.
No. Michael, I... Look, I don't know if I agree.
No matter how good a lie sounds,
I don't think people can accept it when they know it's a lie.
-Do you really think this can work? -Oh.
Oh, it works, Trevor.
I've already started using it.
Like, last week, and I told my nephew I would take him fishing,
but I never showed up.
Now, obviously, I'm not gonna tell him
I spent our fishing Sunday getting tested for HPV--
positive, by the way.
So, instead of coming up with my own lie,
I went the Saudi way, and let him pick my lie.
I said, "Billy, I'm considering
"telling you that my asshole boss is making me work weekends,
"or I'm considering telling you that I died.
Do any of these work, Billy?"
And that made Billy feel more respected?
Yes, I-I think.
The more important thing is he stopped calling me.
Michael Kosta, everyone.