Has there ever been a time when you or I forgot how to get back here
in this place of connection, and if so, how did we remember?
Yeah, our relationship almost totally fell apart, we almost got divorced
Things were really shitty, and really scary and it gave us one of the most incredible lessons of all time, which is
that no matter how in love, and I'll speak personally now
no matter how in love I am with you, no matter how perfect I think you are, no matter how
perfect I think our relationship is
that those things alone won't get you through the thick and thin and into the years and years
and the decades and into a lifetime together
everyday, we wake up and we choose to be together and
even now with the addition of a child, we're still choosing to be together. It doesn't matter that we're married,
it doesn't matter that we live together, it doesn't matter that we have a family together
you and I as individuals are still constantly choosing to be together in this partnership
What do you remember from the birth of our baby?
I remember a lot. I remember a lot. I remember the elation of when your water broke
I remember walking to try to move things along and you having that insight about everybody is someone's baby
any homeless person you see, anyone you ever see, they're someone's baby and I just remember being so
incredibly overwhelmed with how simple yet profound that insight was
I remember trying and trying and trying and trying and trying for fifty hours and feeling so helpless, there was
nothing I could do, there was nothing I could do to move it along
I can't even say it!
Oh God
No, it's not, it's just
It's not that bad it's just, it's my button, ya know
What has surprised you about me being a father?
How much you want to do it. You so genuinely, so so fiercely want to be with our daughter as much
as you possibly can
I just, I see it, ya know I see you literally like raising your hand as quickly and as fast as possible when
an opportunity presents itself
even if it's like four in the morning and I'm tapping out
Ben take her! And you're like come on Naiya let's go read books in the living room! And then you come back
and you're like, we just had the most special time!
And it's the sweetest thing i've ever seen, and it's so sweet seeing this special, intimate relationship
that you two are building as father and daughter
and you, you want to do it so badly. You just, it's amazing to me
How have I surprised you with my approach to parenting?
You can be no further away from understanding something than you are from understanding parenthood
until you become a parent, it's just that simple
And I feel like I remember all of the things that we said, oh we're going to do this, we're going to do that, and this
is clearly going to be the way we're going to do this
how the mighty have fallen
we are not going to do this that way, and this will be the way we do that
And I think it falls on both of our shoulders but I certainly look to you for a lot of guidance around your
intuition as a mother because I believe it's in your DNA and
I've watched you do it, I watched you do it with child birthing, I watched you do it with child rearing and
I guess one of the biggest surprises is just how differently we're doing things versus what we said we
were going to do when we were in that place of completely having no idea what it was going to be like
to have a kid
What do you think shaped me so that I could be a partner in this relationship?
Well, there's the intrinsic you, which is amazing because I see these photos of you with lipstick all over
your face with a huge grin and your arms around Sparky
and I see this child with this zest for living, this precociousness, that clearly is not how I was as a kid
and to then see Naiya and to see the level of
Get the fuck out of my way, I'm doing this and just going out and grabbing life before she understands what
going out and grabbing life is, it's just part of who she is and I can see, that's part of who you are
that's part of who you were when you were her age and so in having her, I understand you
more deeply than I ever have
What scares you the most these days?
That my daughter is going to die
I mean it's just totally irrational but I feel like that's, you know it's like you look at this young little body
and it seems miraculous that it can ever reach adulthood
you know, especially when the entire world is a death trap and I probably, the other iteration is always my
deepest fear which is the one preceding that which is that you are going to die
you'll die and leave me alone and then my daughter will die after that and I still will be left alone
It's just, it's funny I think about it all the time, I think about it all the time, I think about it constantly
I think about mortality constantly in a way I never used to conceive of because it's happening in front of my face
it's happening weekly, monthly
and I see it, it's like watching a video or a photo that's like a delayed lapse photograph, just boom
I look at her sweet young face and I just, I see my death, and I see your death, and I see our death and
somehwere in there is hers, too
Hopefully I'll never see it
And I think the other thing that I see too, is everyone always used to be older than us and now they're
the parents that you'd see passing us on the street like it was always the next phase of life and it was never
the one we were in
I look around now and they're all our age and I speak with our elders, my grandparents, and the only thing they
keep on saying is that it just happens so fast and it just feels like it is happening so fast
and it's just never enough time, it's just never enough time
It just feels like there will never be enough time with you
so I try to be really present, I try to be really present with her too because I know like already, already she's nearly
thirty pounds and I can't hold her like I did six months ago
it's already happening, it's already happening and it's all so out of my control, it's terrifying
thank you, if I have like mascara running down my face, someone needs to tell me
no, you're okay
what are you hesitant to tell me?
I think I'm most hesitant to tell you to try harder to connect with me
with how much you have between the real estate management and design projects and freelance projects
and being a mom
I think our quality time has understandably been compressed and I think telling you that
and seeing how hard you're working, how many avenues you're pouring yourself into
I think the thing that I could be most afraid of is saying, hey on top of everything else you're doing,
can you try a little harder to spend more quality time with me?
I think that's, it's a difficult thing for me to ask for
I'm so glad you're saying something now
I love you