-Fortune, the news can be pretty hard to read these days.
-Yeah. -Now I know it's important
to keep up with current events, even if it can be depressing,
so it's time for another edition of "Sad News."
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
So, we're gonna read some real headlines.
I repeat -- these are absolutely real.
And, as always, brace yourself,
because these are really very sad.
DJ Daniel.
♪♪
[ Sighs ]
Sad news -- the North Pole's
Christmas in Ice was cancelled due to a lack of ice.
[ Laughter ]
-Sad news -- a nude man was arrested
after being found in a chicken coop.
His excuse for being there was that he did way too much meth.
[ Laughter ]
-Sad news -- R. Kelly's lawyer is complaining that the singer
can only visit with one of his girlfriends at a time.
[ Audience "Awws," laughter ]
-Sad news -- German piglets were given a chance
to defend their rights in court
to stop themselves from being neutered.
[ Audience "Awws" ]
Can they talk?
[ Light laughter ] -Can they --
-I don't know. -How would they do that?
-So sad. -In my brain, it's adorable.
[ Chuckles ]
Sad news -- a man too intoxicated
to work his Steak 'n Shake shift robbed the restaurant instead.
[ Laughter ]
Relatable, y'all!
[ Laughter ]
-Sad news -- a Florida man drove his Ferrari into the water.
When asked for a comment by police,
he said, "Jesus told me to."
[ Laughter ]
-Hallelujah.
It's very sad. [ Laughter ]
Very sad. -Very, very sad.
-That was "Sad News," everybody! -Yay.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you so much, Fortune.