- What would you like to hear a rap about?
- [Audience Member] Adult circumcision.
- Adult circumcision? Mmm.
Is this--is this something
a lot of men crossing their legs there
like "Oh. Yep."
I cannot see the person who said that.
Is this something that you've been through?
- [Audience Member] My father suggested it
when I was 19.
- Your father su--
(audience laughs)
Is your father
in jail now?
(audience laughs)
- [Audience Member] He's fine.
- "He's fine." It'd be weird
if he was next to you just like
"And I succeeded, here you go."
(audience laughs)
Um. So...
why did he suggest it?
was he trying to get you to convert to Judaism
or was it just a tight foreskin thing?
- [Audience Member] No, he--
(laughter interrupts)
- Hey it's not funny, women!
Right, a lot of men have tight foreskins
which means when they get an erection
which is a lot, because we're men
it kinda tears it. It's not fun or nice
so calm down.
(scattered laughter)
So neither of those were you?
- [Audience Member] No, he was circumcised, I was not
and I think he felt guilty about it.
- He felt guilty? Or just lonely. Just
"Aw, come on son we can go down to the beach
and be two fucking circumcised lads
just wandering around and just being like,
'Yeah, more aerodynamic'
But where do you keep your change
if you don't have one? That's my question.
(audience laughs)
So, adult circumcision. Great, thank you very much.
That was a brilliant suggestion. I like it.
If you are not on a white chair
but are still on this side of the room
perhaps on a stool or standing
what would you like to hear a rap about?
- [Audience Member] Next stop Azkaban.
- I heard, I heard Azkaban. Next stop Azkaban?
- [Audience Member] Yeah.
- Brilliant. You look way too cool
to read Harry Potter.
(audience laughs)
You have your shades tugging your shirt down
into one of those little temporary V necks.
I like it when men do that
it's like, oh it's a scoop neck
until you want to show your pecs off
you hang those shades, it shows they're heavy
good quality, probably Italian.
You got some money. (audience laughs)
Next stop Azkaban. Really?
Everyone here would have fucked you
and then they were like "Oh, but he likes wizards."
(audience laughs)
You know, I bet when you cum you go
"Expecto Patronum!"
(audience laughs)
To be honest, the fact that they all laughed at that
suggests that they're all on-board with Harry Potter so
I think you might be in.
Adult circumcision, next stop Azkaban
just going to say there's three more suggestions left
those two were fucking stellar
don't-- don't balls this up.
We'll come to anyone who's not in a white chair
on this side of the room.
You're really scared now. You're like
Don't worry, if it's just average
but I haven't had it before I'll still take it
we'll all just feel disappointed.
(scattered laughter) (muffled audience response)
I'm not being serious, I don't mind what you suggest.
(muffled audience response)
We can give you thinking time. Okay.
People on the white chairs on this side
what would you like a rap about?
- [Audience Member] Spinifex.
- Spiff-- Spin-- what?
- [Audience Member] Spinifex.
- Spinifex.
- [Audience Member] Do you know what that is?
- Well clearly by the fact
that I'm standing here going "No".
What is spinifex?
- [Audience Member] Spinifex is kind of like a plant
- Kind of like a plant. Ooh.
- [Audience Member] A grass plant.
- A grass plant.
- [Audience Member] It breaks off
and tumbles with the weeds.
- Oh a tumbleweed!
- [Audience Member] Yeah! That's kind of like it.
- Kind of like a tumbleweed
I feel like you could have led with that really.
(audience laughs)
But I admire that that thing of like
"I'm gonna make him look like an idiot"
and then be like
"I mean, it's just a tumbleweed, really."
It's like I had one guy who was like
"the epididymus?" And we're all like
"What the fuck is that?"
And then he just played it out for a long time
and went "eh, it's just the bit
that connects your balls to your dick."
(audience laughs)
I like that.
So, a spinifex. Which is
we've all learned a new word tonight, well done us.
Male-- adult circumcision and next stop Azkaban.
Guys, you've had your thinking time now
and it sounds like a fucking fight
is kicking off out there
so if you don't make a suggestion
I'll invite them in, get them to squeeze it out of you
(audience member mumbles)
Do you speak English?
(audience laughs)
This is not the show for you
if English is not your first language
you will struggle a great deal with some of these
- [Audience Member] Rumpelstiltskin
- Rumpelstiltskin? Okay.
Is there something about Rumpelstiltskin
that you really kind of, you know, enjoy
or something you find intriguing about it?
- [Audience Member] Just the sound of the word.
- Just the sound of the word? Okay.
You know the story though?
- [Audience Member] Kind of.
- Vaguely. Cool, that's alright.
(scattered laughter)
I'm not going to start slagging someone off
when I was clearly just not knowing what tumbleweed was.
Rumpelstiltskin and the sound of the word,
spinifex, adult circumcision, next stop Azkaban
let's get one final one
I'll say it can come from anywhere in the room
but I'm pretty much guessing
it's not going to come from over there.
(audience laughs)
It's really going to be in this kidney shape here.
What do you guys want to rap about? Final one.
(multiple shouts)
- [Audience Member] Overweight firemen!
- I heard three, but you said
something about benefits tax
but someone said something over there
and people laughed so what was it?
- [Audience Member] Overweight firemen.
- Overweight firemen? Cool, yeah, great.
Yeah, you know, it's fun to mock them
after all the good they've been doing
for the last six weeks, isn't it?
(audience laughs)
(Australian accent) "Mate, the fires have stopped now
we're just going back to roasting you."
That's good. Right. (audience laughs)
That was not deliberate word choice.
(audience laughs)
Don't. Don't put this on Twitter and be like--
Okay. Spinifex, Rumpelstiltskin, next stop Azkaban
adult circumcision, overweight firemen
I like those suggestions, this is going to be fun.
This, lovely people, is going to be
a freestyle rap. That's a rap made up on the spot
based entirely on their suggestions.
Do not worry, it will not be anywhere near
as atrociously, embarrassingly bad
as you are expecting a privately educated,
middle-class white boy to be.
(scattered laughter)
A lot of you seem very unconvinced.
(audience laughs) Don't worry--
- Hey, thank you for watching
just a small reminder that you have until
the end of Sunday, the 21st of June to get
your entry in for the #dropthebeatgoodsir challenge.
Cannot wait to see what you guys come up with.
Enjoy the rap!
- Let's drop that beat and do this. (light jazz plays)
I'm going to start with yours I think
because that's probably the most difficult one
to kind of kick off, we can really get some
definition in there.
(background music grows) Oh, excitement.
♪ You said a word and I thought "what's next?" ♪
♪ Wish I had a dictionary that I could inspect ♪
♪ I would turn right to S-P-I-N ♪
♪ Say what the fuck is the definition again ♪
♪ Of spinifex, never heard it before ♪
♪ But when I'm in America, yeah you know I saw ♪
♪ I'm deep down south, everyone collect us ♪
♪ Getting our thoughts when we're there in Texas ♪
♪ See a little spherical shape, I agree ♪
♪ That it is a very nice tumbleweed ♪
♪ Made of twigs, made of leaves ♪
♪ Made of lots of detritus ♪
♪ I just sit there, cowboy roll by ya ♪
♪ Got a little horse and some stirrups ♪
♪ And we say "Giddy up!" ♪
♪ Spinifex, it's a grass it keeps up ♪
♪ With the speed of the wind ♪
♪ 'Cause it's carried by the breeze ♪
♪ Zephyrus air yes I would agree ♪
♪ Zephyrus sounds like Severus ♪
♪ If we're in the Harry Potter, word. Clever us ♪
♪ That's a nice thing, yeah respect the Zed ♪
♪ And the "S" I switched it, pronounced it instead ♪
♪ Come in, doesn't matter that you're late ma'am ♪
♪ Welcome in, next stop Azkaban! ♪
♪ If this was a train, not a comedy show (audience cheers) ♪
♪ Why did everybody cheer? The lady doesn't know ♪
♪ So confused, walk in late ♪
♪ It's okay, all dementors are my mates ♪
♪ If I was Sirius Black, can't escape Azkaban ♪
♪ Then I'd never go back, but one thing I must impress ♪
♪ There's no stop Azkaban 'cuz the Hogwarts Express ♪
♪ Just goes from King's Cross Station on the platform ♪
♪ Nine and three quarters, then it goes up north ♪
♪ Vaguely, to highlands of Scotland ♪
♪ Doesn't go to Azkaban, doesn't even stop son ♪
♪ Doesn't pick anybody up on the way ♪
♪ And when you get off, oh hooray! ♪
♪ It's a Thestral, that's a horse you can only see ♪
♪ If you've seen someone die, if you've seen them decease ♪
♪ Yeah, a lot of you are as nerdy as me but ♪
♪ That's totally fine, yeah I'm flirtin' with ye ♪
♪ If you've got a big dick and the skin's gone ♪
♪ That's okay, yeah man, I don't want one ♪
♪ I really don't like the bell end with all the flesh ♪
♪ I really like it when the Jews die a little bit less ♪
♪ Chopping off the top, they're heaven sent ♪
♪ They're God's people, they remove ten percent ♪
♪ And it just shows off that shiny hill ♪
♪ It's like "Mm, wanna touch it", give you a thrill but ♪
♪ One thing between your thighs ♪
♪ If you ever get an adult circumcised, John ♪
♪ Then you get less sensitivity ♪
♪ 'Cause it rubs against your jeans so frequently ♪
♪ And so it's harder to come ♪
♪ Even if you see a nice person's bum ♪
♪ I didn't say lady, or man 'cause I'm genderfluid ♪
♪ Adult circumcision, everybody should do it ♪
♪ Let's go now, let's remove it ♪
♪ What would the story be if we used it? ♪
♪ If you took the skin away, would we Rumpelstilts anyway? ♪
♪ That's a clever little joke, link it to the fairy tale ♪
♪ You like the way it sound, yeah you thought ♪
♪ You want to inhale, on that ♪
♪ 'Cause I left the last syllable ♪
♪ Vaguely the story remember now I'll tell you all ♪
♪ Simply, it's a weird little man he goes ♪
♪ "Ohh, I've got a master plan ♪
♪ I'm going to turn this stuff into gold ♪
♪ Weaving the thread, there's a baby not old ♪
♪ I'm going over there, oh it's such a shame ♪
♪ I'll steal it if you can't guess my name" ♪
♪ So the parents of the baby sighed ♪
♪ Made two guesses, Mio or Wyve? No ♪
♪ It's a much weirder one, but they crept up behind ♪
♪ Like Polonius behind an Aerosol blind in Hamlet ♪
♪ And tried to listen in and said "Oh fuck ♪
♪ He's the Rumpelstiltskin", they cheated on him ♪
♪ Then they worked it out like a mental gym ♪
♪ If I was in a gym my diet plan would go out the window ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a fireman, every one is not surprised ♪
♪ I just want to eat pies, when I'm out there ♪
♪ Spreading water on fires ♪
♪ I let my hose go like I'm pissing from my circumcised dick ♪
♪ They need to be more careful of the food they pick ♪
♪ 'Cause they're all overweight, ♪
♪ They need to start shedding it ♪
♪ Otherwise, oh wait, the great weight ♪
♪ On the ladder starts falling ♪
♪ Poor little fireman, he used to be balling ♪
♪ But now he's paralyzed in a wheelchair ♪
♪ He's so fat overweight, he can't feel there ♪
♪ But it's his fault for breaking the pole ♪
♪ Need to set a much lower weight goal ♪
♪ Join Weight Watchers, leave the service ♪
♪ Go to a hospital and get them ♪
♪ To circumcise and that will lose ten grams ♪
♪ Probably, I've not weighed the balls of a man ♪
(audience cheers)