This is it, night three in Miami.
And tonight... and tonight isn't just any night.
It's Halloween.
-Yeah. -(cheering and applause)
Which is a super exciting night, right?
Especially if you're a kid, 'cause you could just walk up
to any stranger's house and get candy, right?
Except President Obama's house,
because you show up there dressed like a ghost,
and you'd be like, "Boo!"
And he'd be like, "Uh, don't boo, vote."
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
And then...
Then Michelle pops out and gives you some zucchini.
"Damn, this sucks."
Now, in the rest of America,
Halloween is a chance to dress up super sexy, right?
You get in your sexy little costumes.
But here in Miami, it's weird,
because that's just Tuesday for you guys.
No, because, like, y'all dress sexy every day.
Every single day.
(cheering and applause)
So here's what I think. I think for Halloween,
what you guys need to do is you should have
the unsexy version of things, right? Like, yeah.
Like, you need, like, a modest lifeguard costume, right?
Or, like, a frumpy cheerleader.
Or how about, like, a conservative stripper?
That would be dope. Yeah, just...
♪ Amazing grace... ♪
No clothes come off.
Only erections of the heart.
(laughter and applause)
And I-I'll be honest with you guys. Can I be honest?
Like, because of "stand your ground" laws,
I don't know how anyone can enjoy Halloween in Florida.
No, because the law is that someone can shoot you
if you frighten them.
That's the whole point of Halloween.
You dress scary, you go to people's houses
and you rob them of candy.
I feel like in Florida,
it doesn't matter what you dress as.
You're leaving as a ghost. That's what that means.
Like, just to be on the safe side for Halloween,
I just walk around with my hands up the whole time.
That's all I do. Hands up.
People are like, "What are you supposed to be?"
Alive, mother(bleep).
(cheering and applause)
I'm not about to get shot for some candy.
I'm not getting shot for some candy.
What's that? King-size Reese's?
All right, shoot me in the leg. Shoot me in the leg.
(laughter)
And, you know, what amazes me about America as a whole
is that every single year on Halloween,
there's always somebody who's not happy
with just being sexy Dracula or sexy Frankenstein.
No, they've got to take it too far.
A father in Kentucky has been criticized
for dressing his five-year-old son up as Hitler.
The Halloween costume was posted on social media
by Bryant Goldbach.
He says originally he did it for historical purposes
but now admits this was probably a bad idea.
GOLDBACH: Not everybody has the devotion
to living history that I have.
It's... (sighs)
I don't know how else to put it.
(groaning, booing)
Okay, first off, I don't think
we should be calling that a costume, all right.
That was a uniform, okay.
Costumes are things you can guy at Wal-Mart.
That shit is something you discover
in a store storage unit in Argentina.
That's what that was.
-(applause and cheering) -(laughing): And can I say...
Can I just say,
it's pretty clever how he dressed himself up
as a regular Nazi, but dressed his kid as Hitler.
It's like he just wanted an excuse
in case things went wrong.
He'd be like, "Look, I was just following orders. I mean...
He came up with the master plan. It's not me."
There's just so many reasons that it's a terrible idea
to dress a little kid as Hitler.
Like, someone could see the kid walking around,
and be like, "Baby Hitler! This is my chance!"
(laughter)
Oh, oh, and speaking, and speaking of baby Hitler,
uh, President Trump is in the news again.
(groaning, applause and cheering)
Surprise! Surprise!
(booing)
Uh, don't boo. Vote. Here's some asparagus.
(laughter)
This time, President Trump is in the news.
He doesn't need a special day to scare people.
He does it every day, and-and his latest trick...
his latest trick has everyone spooked.
WOMAN: President Trump believes his signature is enough
to stop what's known as "birthright citizenship,"
established in the 14th Amendment, which says,
-(booing) -"All persons born or naturalized
in the United States are citizens."
They're saying I can do it just with an executive order.
Now how ridiculous, we're the only country in the world
where a person comes in, has a baby,
and the baby is essentially a citizen of the United States
for 85 years with all of those benefits.
It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous.
And it it has to end.
-Wow. So, Trump... so Trump... -(booing)
Trump plans
to singlehandedly change the Constitution.
That's like hearing
that War and Peace is gonna be edited by Guy Fieri.
That's what that sounds like to me.
Because basically, Trump wants to make it
so that if your parents aren't American,
and then you're born here,
you won't automatically be American anymore.
And honestly, part of me thinks that Trump is only doing this
because he's hoping it'll kick his kids out.
It's just like, he's just gonna be out there like,
"Sorry, Eric. So sorry, Eric.
"Your mom was an immigrant.
You got to go, Eric. You got to go."
-(applause and cheering) So he goes, "Dad, come on.
"That's not fair, Dad.
That's not fair. How come Ivanka gets to stay?"
(as Donald): "There's a hotness exception.
I didn't write the law."
(as Eric): "But you totally did."
(as Donald): "Take him away, boys. Take him back to Mexico."
(laughter)
Now obviously, obviously, let's be real, folks.
Uh, you don't need to be a genius to realize
that Trump's not talking about babies
that come from Norwegian va-jay-jays.
No, he wants to wipe out the Constitution
so that he can whiten America.
That's what he's planning to do here.
Unfortunately, though, for him, unfortunately for him,
there are some people who read, who disagree with him.
Of course he can't do that. The reason-- the Constitution.
It's very clear that an executive order,
or executive action can not do it by itself.
I'm also a constitutional law professor, and
by no means could the president unilaterally
amend the Constitution.
MAN: Republican House Speaker Paul Ryan said
the president cannot change current law by himself.
Wow. Paul Ryan finally standing up to Donald Trump?
-(applause and cheering) -Wow. Wow.
I guess... I guess for Halloween,
he's going as someone with balls. Look at that.
-(applause and cheering) -Damn, Paul Ryan.
(applause and cheering)
Damn!
So look, as spooky as this Donald Trump news is,
like most things on Halloween, it's scary
when it first pops out on you,
but on closer inspection, it's some bullshit.