We all have a haunted house inside of us.
And that haunted house holds the ghosts and the spirits
and the scary creatures that we're afraid to face.
This could be the critical part of us.
It could be a part that sabotages what we do.
And it's really important
for us to understand a part of ourselves,
which is called the giver,
a combination between Mother Teresa and Gandhi,
a really selfless, compassionate, giving individual
that will do anything for others.
And when we look at that behaviour
in relationships and in us as individuals
ask yourself: what is the intention behind my giving?
Is it really selfless
or am I hoping for a pat on the back
or some type of reward?
When we are in the role of the giver,
instead of internally validating ourselves for who we are,
what we're good at,
we only really feel good
when we're doing things for others.
And this is really problematic
because when we're constantly giving,
we're constantly in some type of cost.
So we might not be giving to ourselves.
We might be tired.
We might be resentful.
We can recognise the giver in ourselves
by looking at the ways in which we overextend in our lives.
So I would ask you to look at
when have you felt overwhelmed with responsibility?
When have you felt too much obligation in your life
and have you had periods of burnout or depression or anxiety
because of how much you're overextending and giving?
Reining in the giver
requires that you learn
to have a sense of your own boundaries
and what your rights are.
And boundaries essentially are
your ability to understand what you need
and how to communicate that to others.
Most people find it difficult
to set boundaries in relationships
because they are afraid
of hurting someone or feeling rejected.
And what's really important for us to acknowledge
is that feeling guilty
that we might be disappointing someone
or hurting someone
is completely normal and such a human response.
What we do want to do
is to learn how to lean into uncomfortable emotions,
such as guilt or the fear of rejection
or the fear of judgement.
And to recognise that in a healthy relationship,
we can have those feelings,
but it doesn't necessarily mean
that the person that we're in a relationship with
feels those feelings towards us.
They might not actually be angry or upset with us
for having boundaries or having needs.
They might actually
be really compassionate and understanding,
and that can actually deepen a relationship
to a whole new level
when people are really honest about how they're feeling
instead of pretending that everything is OK all the time.
When we don't set boundaries,
we might avoid the initial discomfort of feeling that guilt.
But what we end up doing is we set up a behaviour pattern.
And we fall into a pattern
of never speaking up
and then we never get our needs met
and then we start to feel the costs.
When you don't have boundaries,
what it means is that you're not valuing yourself.
You're saying that you don't matter
in life, in relationships, to other people.
When we delve into the haunted house,
into all the parts of us
that we are actually afraid of looking at,
what we discover is the gold,
which is the gold of our true needs,
our true values and true priorities.
And we are able to develop self-worth,
self-awareness, self-compassion
and an understanding of what we actually really want
for our futures
as opposed to what values and priorities
have been given to us
throughout our upbringing,
through our society and in our relationships.