- What you wanna hear a rap about?
- [Man 1] Meat pies.
- Meat, meat, meat pies is a food,
fore skin is a very obvious suggestion.
- [Woman 1] Scissors!
- Scissors? Okay, wait one second.
Why are you so enthusiastic about scissors?
(crowd laughing)
Also, thank you very much for being British
and saying "scissors" and not what Americans say,
which is "a scissor", which has never made any sense to me.
So, scissors!
I mean, I'm happy to have that suggestion.
Cool, fine.
(Woman 1 talking indistinctly)
Oh! You thought of rock, paper, scissors?
No, that's great, love it.
Scissors as in rock, paper, scissors.
That's nice, that's extra detail, I value that.
Guys over here, what do you wanna hear a rap about?
- [Man 2] Weed.
- Weed? So obvious and boring, come on, guys!
I was gonna say aim higher,
but that would've made you laugh, wouldn't it, Mr. Weed?
(crowd laughing) Mr. Weed!
Yeah, the problem is I've got a green card now,
but weed is still federally illegal,
so, those laws still apply to me, it's a shame.
Come on, let's get some!
- [Woman 2] Earrings!
- Earrings! Do you have particular type of earrings
that you like?
- [Woman 2] Diamond.
- Diamond earrings. Wonderful, wonderful stuff.
Diamond earrings, rock, paper, scissors.
This, this agglomeration here, sex, again.
People, have you ever listened to hip hop, right?
It is just entirely about sex.
We have diamond earrings,
rock, paper, scissors.
- [Man 3] The Russian Revolution.
- The Russian revolution?
This is what I was waiting for.
(crowd laughing)
If I'm honest, I wish I'd taken sex from this section.
The Russian Revolution,
so the upheaval and overthrow of the czars, right?
Yeah, cool.
We kind of roughly know what we're talking about there.
And, you guys over here. What do you wanna hear a rap about?
- [Man 4] Scissoring!
- Scissoring! Oh, I see what you did there.
(crowd laughing)
Very clever, very clever.
Maybe we'll throw that into the rock, paper, scissor bit.
Rock, paper, scissoring, we'll say.
Let's get a fresh one.
- [Man 5] Quicksand!
- Ooh. Yeah!
Yeah, you know, you never hear the word "quicksand"
usually shouted out in such a calm tone of voice.
(crowd laughing)
Quicksand. (laughing)
We have rock, paper, scissoring, diamond earrings,
the Russian Revolution, quicksand.
And guys, you're the final area to suggest.
So, you've had the most thinking time
so, it'll obviously be the best suggestion,
and it's gonna be?
(audience members talking indistinctly)
Bigfoot and?
- [Man 6] Data science.
- Cool, data science around and about Bigfoot. Thank you.
(crowd laughing) What a lovely combination.
I think both of you just ended up very unhappy
with that combination.
"Aw, I thought mine was gonna be good."
Cool, these are great suggestions.
The suggestions, just to remind you all are
rock, paper, scissoring, I'm sorry, blame him.
Diamond earrings, the Russian Revolution,
quicksand, and data science about Bigfoot.
This, then, you lovely people on the lovely Halloween night,
and, thank you for making one of them spooky,
at least that's pretty cool.
I'm referring to data science, obviously very terrifying!
(crowd laughing) This is gonna be a freestyle rap.
That is a rap made up on the spot
based entirely on those suggestions.
It's not prepared, it's not written,
there's nothing about this that is rehearsed.
And, do not worry it will not be anywhere near
as atrociously, embarrassingly bad as you're expecting.
I'm privately educated, middle-class,
white British boy to beat.
(crowd laughing)
You seem unconvinced!
If we can drop that beat, good sir,
let's show them how we do.
(hip hop music)
A little bit more volume on that, please.
A little bit more.
I got your special Halloween beat as well,
that's sounded a bit, way more on this,
way more.
Still way more.
You need to be able to hear it, don't you, crowd? Right?
Gosh, is this making my voice very tinny?
Look, I should have done a sound check, guys,
but I was too busy Halloween-ing up around town.
♪ That's okay, yeah, I just dive in ♪
♪ I've got a big scraggly beard, call me Rasputin ♪
♪ We've got the SARS at the top ♪
♪ Need to find a solution ♪
♪ I'll be going in knives for the Russian Revolution ♪
♪ I find the princess ♪
♪ I find Anastasia ♪
♪ Admittedly, she survived, they didn't even slay her ♪
♪ They cowered down the wife of the czar ♪
♪ Nicholas, where all the horses are ♪
♪ Ritz in the stables (music fading) ♪
♪ They were hidden 'neath the hay ♪
♪ We need some more rap music for which to play ♪
♪ I'm not going to pause ♪
♪ Imagine like the beat is there ♪
♪ I won't acapella freestyle ♪
♪ No one cares ♪
Can we actually have some beat? I'm sorry.
(crowd laughing)
This is entirely my fault for not sound checking, I'm aware.
(crowd laughing) (crowd cheering)
If it's not gonna work I would imagine
if there's someone who could beat box,
we can always whip you up and do some skills.
He says, hoping someone stands up going
"Me, mother (beep)! Boom, shh, boom, boom, shh."
(crowd laughing)
Yeah, this is a shame when it happens, isn't it?
'Cause it's kind of a damp squib.
Like it was going really well.
So while we're fixing this up, I was about to tell-
(woman talking indistinctly)
What the other microphone? This one? Oh.
The piano one? There's so many.
Cool, we're going to try it, we can try this one.
One, two, talking on the microphone,
getting the cable over here.
Yep, should've untangled it from the stand.
(crowd laughing)
Thank you for helping untangle this.
He's not a racist! He's a very helpful man.
(crowd laughing)
Good looking out.
Although, did you only help me 'cause I'm white?
Maybe that was why. (crowd laughing)
Guys, we'll get it restarted.
While I'm doing this, I was going to tell you about
how during the Russian Revolution,
they tried to like shoot the princesses
when they were in there.
But they had so many jewels
that they'd hidden in their corsets
the bullets bounced off.
And so they were like, "Yay, we survive!"
but then the soldiers just bayoneted them to death
in the face. (crowd laughing)
So, it's not always gonna work.
While we fix it, I'll tell you some jokes.
(crowd laughing)
Classic jokes, I'm taking a break from karate lessons.
It's a
hi-a-tus.
(crowd laughing)
- [Alex] Do you beatbox? Can you beatbox?
- Can you beatbox?
- [Alex] Let me get it, let me get the mic.
- Oh gosh, this is going to go horrible.
Well, the thing is this one even work yet.
(crowd laughing)
I'm a bit worried.
Neither of them work, now.
(crowd laughing) (crowd cheering)
- [Alex] I can basic beatbox, basic beatbox.
- You can basic beatbox? I mean, I'm going to say-
- [Man 7] It can't go any worse. (crowd laughing)
- [Alex] Just trying to help!
- You are. I mean, so this works does this, this doesn't.
So, the thing is, we're gonna have to do it with like
mouth-to-mouth, which is-
(crowd laughing) (crowd cheering)
I'm also concerned about the optics,
like, one white guy doing this, you let it slide.
But two?
(crowd laughing)
- [Alex] Basic beatbox.
- Basic beatbox, I mean, we're gonna keep trying
and seeing if this one..
'Cause the thing is, oh, this one works, right, there we go!
(crowd cheering)
I am very skeptical!
(crowd laughing)
If you pull this off, you are getting mad poon-tang.
(crowd laughing)
Apologies if you're with someone, or if you like penis,
sorry, you're forcibly having poon-tang. (crowd laughing)
So, okay.
So, what we're going to do is
we're going to take it from the top.
Now, obviously, I'm not going to repeat all the things
I said about the Russian Revolution
'cause it's made up, bear in mind,
I've kind of burned through my Russian Revolution knowledge,
but I'll still do it, so..
(crowd cheering) (crowd laughing)
Yeah, you've got that beat, right?
If you go "Boots, cats, boots, boots, cats,"
I will be upset
(crowd laughing)
but I will also be glad.
So, this, lovely people at the Comedy Cellar,
in a bit that usually is done long by now
is a freestyle rap made up about the Russian Revolution,
rock, paper, scissoring, diamond earrings,
Big Foot data science, and quicksand,
done with me and what's your name?
- [Alex] Alex.
- Alex, the best beatboxer name ever!
(crowd cheering)
On there.
Alex, you are
an absolute hero and I cannot wait for this.
If you can put it around about like 85 to 90 BMP.
(crowd laughing)
And I go for about three minutes.
So you might, you can take breathers
in the middle if you want, all right?
Okay. They've turned the mic,
they've turned the mic off again.
They've switched the mic,
I don't know why we're doing this to you.
(crowd laughing)
Right, people are like, "Can we just pay our bill and leave?
I think this is.."
(crowd laughing)
Okay.
Guys, this is thrilling, this is thrilling.
Do you want to go ready? - [Alex] You ready?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm ready. I'll follow your lead.
(crowd cheering)
They love you, they love you.
(Alex beatboxing)
A little bit more spit,
a little bit more spew would be nice.
A little bit more speed, yeah.
Cool, okay, this is great!
(crowd cheering)
♪ Beatbox, this sounds like a broken car ♪
♪ I want to go to the palace, take down the czars ♪
♪ Red flag ♪
♪ I want to put the blood in the middle ♪
♪ I want a new era of the hammer and the sickle ♪
♪ Bring the USSR to the people ♪
♪ Marx and Engels, everybody equal. ♪
♪ We're gonna take the kings, put them all in prison ♪
♪ We wanna make sure we got the communists ♪
♪ King George was on the throne in the UK ♪
♪ The cousin of Czar Nicholas they slay ♪
♪ And he said save us and my family ♪
♪ And King George washed his hands and was free ♪
♪ Was like, "No, we can't hump my Russian cousins ♪
♪ When I'm watching porn with the lesbian buzzing ♪
♪ I'm so excited (crowd laughing) ♪
♪ Yeah, I'll watch with precision ♪
♪ My favorite position is when they get scissoring ♪
♪ I think about it (crowd cheering) ♪
♪ Every time later ♪
♪ I put my fingers like rough paper, ♪
♪ Which one is this? ♪
♪ And which one is this? (crowd cheering) ♪
♪ Either of them work if you lesbian fist ♪
♪ You can put either in ♪
♪ The fingers are nimble ♪
♪ I love this, it's just drums, no symbol ♪
♪ It's still fine, ♪
♪ No, yeah, use the scissor ♪
♪ I cut it down the front of the (record scratch) mirror ♪
♪ The other genitals ♪
♪ Vagina, vagina ♪
♪ Dig it 'round this like a slow hole to China ♪
♪ The next in, I don't do violence ♪
♪ I like to study crypto-zoology science ♪
♪ I study all the data, I'll catch you later ♪
♪ Big Foot runs out in Appalachia ♪
♪ He's in the forest ♪
♪ The man of the woods ♪
♪ Like a big orangutan that is handling the goods ♪
♪ We got the scratch over there (crowd cheering) ♪
♪ Let the DJ flex ♪
♪ I see Big Foot ♪
♪ I'd go and up and inspect ♪
♪ A magnifying glass filled to lashes concave or convex ♪
♪ So you having a laugh ♪
♪ I'm examining the footprints of Sasquatch ♪
♪ I'd go, "Ooh, this way!" ♪
♪ Jump, light, hopscotch ♪
♪ Just watch, you can see him ♪
♪ I follow with these ♪
♪ And then he jumps down on me from jumping in the trees ♪
♪ He says, "You're a scientist, ♪
♪ I'm an angry monkey, pissed, ♪
♪ I'm gonna beat you up with my damn big gorilla fist" ♪
♪ I say "I should have stuck to one's and zero's ♪
♪ And stopped trying to be an adventurous hero" ♪
♪ I travel back from the far away land ♪
♪ I'm in the UK, but, (beep) ♪
♪ Quicksand! ♪
♪ It's round my ankles (crowd cheering) ♪
♪ It's dragging me down ♪
♪ It's just a little solid but in it you still drown ♪
♪ Like slow moving water, non-Newtonian fluid ♪
♪ Glass that is melted ♪
♪ I like that you do this ♪
♪ It doesn't really work with the flow, though ♪
♪ But that is okay, we still do it fo' sho' ♪
♪ The last one ♪
♪ Without the beat it would just be silence ♪
♪ If I had a lot of money with me ♪
♪ I'd buy diamonds ♪
♪ Where would I put them? ♪
♪ My lady's God fearing ♪
♪ I wear them in church ♪
♪ Rocking diamond earrings ♪
♪ No studs, mad hoops, like a Pave ♪
♪ Tennis bracelet, and I might say ♪
♪ That you get the gold medal ♪
♪ For the beat from your face ♪
♪ If there was one above gold, it would be diamond place. ♪
Well done, Alex. (crowd cheering)
That is for Alex.
Alex, everybody!
(crowd cheering)
Guys, my name's Chris Turner.
Thank you for putting up with that.
I'll see you guys again, goodbye!
(crowd cheering)