“Growing up polite,
what helped you to adapt to the gruffness of New York?”
This is from Hannah.
I love how like Hannah’s just like, “You’re polite.
And you were always polite.”
How do you know I was polite growing up?
You don’t know me, Hannah.
I coulda been a badass.
Alright, “your house
containing everything you own catches fire.
After saving your loved ones and pets–”
You know I don’t have pets.
“–you have time to safely make a final dash
to save any one item.
What would it be and why?” This is from Nicole.
What’s your item?
What’s yours?
Your iPhone?
Before the loved ones?
Like you ditch him, you’re just like,
“Where’s my iPhone X?!”
What if he was blocking it?
You’d push him into the flame – No, no, no. Don’t, don’t.
Commit, commit. Be like, “I’d push you in the flames.”
You’re like, “I don’t have AppleCare, you gotta go.”
“It doesn’t cover fires,” and you box his ass out.
You go “boom!” and he goes into the flames.
He’s like, “Why are you doing this?”
I’d do my Skechers Shape-Ups.
I’m joking!
The way you were like, “Oh, cool yeah.”
You know what would suck?
What’d end up happening is you’d grab the first thing you see.
And so like, I’d probably run back—
it would suck, it’d be like a Wall Street Journal
from four days ago.
Like, “I gotta get something, ah,
the Wall Street Journal from last Thursday!”
Or like you go, you go like—
You grab DVDs you’re like,
“I got two copies of Fight Club, why?”
“Why do I have an extra copy?”
What would you— what would you save?
Passport?
You’re that pragmatic?
You’re like, “Real talk, the first thing I would do,
all my taxes for the last five years.
That’s what I would get.”
No, but you wouldn’t do it.
Like we’re saying it now while it’s air conditioned and
everything’s temperate.
I believe you, you’d get your passport.
Were you like, “I got to because of this?”
Oh shit, yeah you got to.
Yeah, you got to.
Shit is real right now, Luis.
“Is movie theatre popcorn
the biggest boondoggle you’ve paid for?”
You think movie theatre popcorn’s overrated?
Do you still— Do you still get it?
Really?
You’ve completely opted out?
Nachos?
Dude you’re—
With jalapeños? That’s actually really good, yeah.
Are you a— Are you a complete psychopath?
Do you do hot dogs?
You don’t do hot dogs at the movies—
Don’t tell me you do hot dogs at the movie theatre,
don’t do that!
Yeah. Popcorn’s super expensive.
But I do get it.
And I wolf it down.
But it is a boondoggle. It’s very expensive.
Also, why is it $7.00 for a small,
but then $7.25 for a medium?
That’s not right. That’s not right.
Jennie, do you do popcorn every meal?
I mean not meal.
Do you do popcorn every movie?
Breakfast, lunch – You hit all three.
Do you get it?
No?
True. True.
But now— But don’t you feel like when we become adults
you’re like, “I wanna pay with my…”
It doesn’t go— You don’t lose it?
Really? So what do you sneak in?
“When you could make it at home and sneak it in.”
Yeah?
So what do you bring in?
Really? So it’s like super, the–
You hit them with chutney too– you got sauce too?
How do you do the sauce in the dark?
I respect that, but that’s like a lot of–
What’s chakri?
Oh, oh! You’re talking about, like, the stuff that’s the
Cheetos for Indian people, right?
Yeah.
I eat— Like, the problem is when I do get it,
I eat it so fast, like,
by the time previews are done it’s over.
And it’s supposed to last you the whole movie, so.
“Will the looming recession
be worse than the last?” Nicole.
Alright.
Man, you guys like, you guys really think I—
I have all the answers here.
This is another Nicole, which Nicole is this?
Is it a different Nicole?
Damn, you’re gonna miss out on all this
great financial advice.
You know what always terrifies me about the—
about, like, just the news headlines that you read?
It’s always about the impending doom.
That’s what makes me
always sorta like, just get scared.
I’m like, just tell me what’s gonna happen.
It’s like, “Stock market growth slows.
Impending recession about to happen.
What are you gonna do?”
And I’m like, “I don’t I don’t know,
when is it gonna happen?”
It’s always the shitty thing that’s about to happen
that I’m scared about.
They would—
That’s what they want us to believe?
Are you the aliens dude?
There was an aliens dude who came to one of the tapings.
Do you know something I don’t— like are you like—
Do you work at the Fed or something like that?
What do you think? You think it’s not gonna happen?
Wow that’s, like, super zen.
Is that— Is that honestly your attitude,
you’re like it’s just out of your hands?
Bro…
Why’d you— You came in—
it was like, this like profound wisdom.
It came from the back of the room
with like an Indian accent so it was like,
“maybe he’s a guru, maybe he knows.”
Did you see the way everyone listened? Everyone leaned in.
We’re like, “he’s a financial expert.”
You can’t flip flop,
you shoulda committed the whole way through.
You wanna know why it’s, it’s panic inducing,
especially for our generation?
We know when everything is coming.
Like Uber, Prime Now, Seamless.
Right? We’ll be like,
“Where is Gustavo?
He was supposed to be here six minutes ago.”
Like we get so mad.
Now we don’t know. That’s the thing,
it’s just like, it could happen, it’s going to happen,
we just don’t know when.
Don’t stress out?
Sure.
“Ten years from now,
what would you like to be remembered about you?”
Wait.
Wait, like, do you guys know something I don’t know?
This is from— I’d like to be alive, like what?
“When you die, what do you want people to –
It’ll happen within the next ten years.
Sometime between now and the recession, you will die.
So how would you like to be remembered?”
Were you guys keeping up with what went on at the G-7?
Um, so here’s the question.
“If G-7 countries
pledged $22 million to stop Amazon fires,
do you think they could’ve put up more money?”
Yes!
That’s not a lot!
They only put up $20 million— this is like,
the seven wealthiest countries in the world.
And they’re just like, “Yeah it’s $20 mil.”
That’s like,
a day of work for Jeff Bezos.
You know who should pay for the Amazon fires?
Amazon.
That’s my thing, I’m like –
Think about– Think about all the boxes.
At some point in the supply chain that came from
the Amazon rainforest.
Do you guys know—
Do you know what’s fucked up, Eddie?
I just think it’s really messed up that
they still call the tablets “Amazon Fire.”
That’s wrong!
It’s just like, “Babe have you seen my Amazon Fire?”
You’re like, “Too soon.”
Just, all I’m saying is this.
To any company out there, you gotta play it safe.
You cannot name your product after a disaster.
You cannot have the “Kia Tsunami.”
Like,
it’s not an option.
Leo pledged $5 million, did you guys know that?
Leonardo DiCap— “Who?!”
Leonar— The Leo.
Leonardo DiCaprio pledged $5 million to the Amazon fires.
Yeah.
So all he has to do is just get three other
super big Hollywood superstars
to put up the money and they’ll have matched the G-7.
So what I’m trying to say is Ray Romano,
step up right now.
Match that $5 mil.
Match that $5 mil, Ray.
Jason Statham, you got it.
Mel Gibson, you owe
people.
“If your daughter asks for a dog when she is older,
what will you say?”
You’ll like this response.
The best pets
are books.
Indian dad, son!
Nah.
That’s what I’m goin’ with.
Did I make you proud?
There it is.
Alright.
Thank you guys so much, this was so fun, goodnight.