-You guys, this is fun.
"Shark Week" is officially here. -Yeah.
[ Cheers ]
-And if you're excited about that,
you're either a marine biologist or really high.
[ Laughter ]
I read that "Shark Week" started back in 1988.
Yeah. It's been around for over 30 years.
Even crazier, they've just been airing the same ten shows
and nobody's noticed. [ Laughter ]
Get this, every year there are
about 80 unprovoked shark attacks.
Yeah, 80 unprovoked attacks.
Or as President Trump calls that, a weekend.
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah!
[ Laughter and cheering ]
-Actually, Trump loves "Shark Week."
It's the one time he can tweet "I love great whites"
without being called a racist. [ Audience "oh"s ]
-Really?
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Speaking of the President, the other day he invited
some reporters in to talk about how he might put a tax
on French wine.
Even though he doesn't drink, he still weighed in
on what he thinks about French wine versus American wine.
Listen to this.
-I've always liked American wines better than French wines.
Even though I don't drink wine. [ Laughter ]
I just like the way they look.
[ Laughter ]
-After that, his staffers were like
everyone on "Family Feud"
after a teammate gives a weird response.
They're like, "Good answer. Good --"
[ Laughter ]
Show me "Like the way they look"!
[ Imitates buzzer ] Oh, sorry.
[ Laughter ]
It looks -- yeah.
Some more political news.
This week, there are two more Democratic debates
and tomorrow's airs at the same time
as "The Bachelorette" finale. -Ooh.
-So no matter which one you watch,
you'll see a bunch of sad guys going home in a limo.
It's just -- [ Laughter ]
No matter what.
But everyone's getting ready for the next round
of Democratic debates, which are this Tuesday and Wednesday.
-Oh, man, that's great.
I can't wait to see my favorite candidate, Eric Swalwell.
[ Light laughter ]
-You didn't hear, Tariq?
Eric Swalwell dropped out of the race.
He's actually the only candidate not returning
to this round of debates.
-Are you kidding me right now?
-No, I'm -- I'm not kidding.
[ Light laughter ]
You liked Eric Swalwell? -Duh.
Why else would I get all these shirts made
that say "You can't --" [ Laughter ]
"You can't spell 'America' without 'Eric'"?
[ Laughter ] -I had no idea that --
[ Cheers and applause ]
I had no idea that you liked him so much.
I -- I --
-I thought everyone did. [ Light laughter ]
Why else would I get all these shirts made...
[ Laughter ]
...that say "We don't need a wall, we need a Swal"?
-Yeah, yeah -- Well, I -- [ Laughter and applause ]
I understand...
it must be upsetting, but I'm sorry
I had to break it to you like this.
I mean... -Man, this is the worst.
Now what am I going to do with all these shirts...
[ Laughter ] ...that say...
"All's swell that ends Swell"? [ Laughter ]
-"All's well that's Swalwell"?
-Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean.
-Well, these shirts are getting worse and worse.
Tariq, how many shirts did you get made?
-I mean, who cares? It doesn't matter anyway.
I mean, who's even replacing him in the debate?
-A guy named Steve Bullock.
-Oh, man, really? I love Steve Bullock.
He was my second pick. [ Light laughter ]
-Please don't tell me that you --
-Which is why I got all these shirts made...
[ Laughter ]
...that say, "Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got.
I'm still Steve from the -- Steve from the Bullock."
[ Laughter and applause ] -All right, thank you very much.
That's a pretty good one. Thank you.
Tariq Trotter, everybody. Tariq, thank you very much.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
[ Cheering continues ]
"I'm still Steve from the Bullock."
-Yeah. "From the Bullock." "From the Bullock."
-"I'm still Steve from the Bullock."
-Yeah.
And he's got a bunch of rocks. -Some --
Some news from overseas.
There are rumors that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle
have banned their neighbors from talking to them.
-Ooh. [ Audience "ooh"s ]
-Apparently the neighbors aren't even allowed
to say "Good morning." -Oh.
-Right now you're thinking that's rude,
but you're also a little jealous.
[ Laughter ]
Check this out. I heard that soon Teslas
will be able to stream Netflix on the car's center display.
It's all part of Tesla's plan to cut down on emissions
and pedestrians. -Oh.
[ Laughter ]
-Here's some good news from Washington.
Democrats and Republicans just worked together to pass a bill
that would block robocalls.
I think it's the one thing --
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's the one thing we can agree on,
that robocalls are the worst.
-You know what, it's funny, because I never get robocalls.
-Well, you're one of the lucky ones,
because they can be pretty awful.
[ Phone vibrating ] -Oops, sorry.
Getting a phone call right now. [ Laughter ]
That's weird. It's my area code,
but I don't recognize the number.
-No, Higgins, that is a robocall.
-No, clearly it's a local call.
-No, no, Higgins, that's what they do now. That's --
-Probably one of my relatives from a random line
because their phone broke, you know.
-No, no, no. That's what they want you to think.
-No, no, no. Here, I'll put it on speaker.
You got the Steve.
-Hello, this is a call regarding your computer's security.
This is an emergency.
-Whoa, good thing I answered. Huh, smart guy?
-No, no, no -- No, Higgins --
-You must update
your Social Security information immediately.
-Well, of course. My Social Security is 9-8-7 --
-No, no. Higgins, Higgins, Higgins!
-This'll just take a second. -No, don't --
It's 9 -- -Don't give them or America
your Social Security number right now.
That's crazy. -Dude, it's totally cool.
That's why they call it "Social" Security.
[ Laughter ] It's meant to be social.
It's meant to be shared. -No, that's not --
That is not what it means, actually.
That's not what it -- -No, that's what it means.
No, you got a pen? It's 9-8-7 --
-Oh, my goodness.
-...6-5-4-3-2-6.
And thank you for looking out for me.
-I can't believe you just did that.
That -- it's a total scam.
I mean, if you're not careful with these calls,
someone's going to steal your identity.
-[ Laughs ] Don't worry about it.
Everything is fine.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You just -- just do your monologue.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
-What -- what are you swiping?
-I'm on Tinder. -Ah, get out of here.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, this isn't good here, guys.
A woman in Tennessee was staying at a Hampton Inn
and she woke up when a snake slithered across her body.
[ Audience "ooh"s ]
Hampton Inn is defending itself.
They were like, "Well, did our wake-up call work or not?"
I mean -- [ Laughter ]
And finally, you guys, I'm excited about this.
Tonight on the show we have the winner
of the "Fortnite" World Cup Championship...
[ Cheers and applause ] ...Kyle "Bugha" Giersdorf.
He's just 16 years old and he won $3 million.
[ Cheers, gasping ]
Right now parents everywhere are going, "All right,
put down your homework and go play video games."