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>> Treat yourself.
>> Siri, what is the volume of a pat of butter?
A block of butter, it weighs about a pound.
Why do we love butter? Not what I asked.
What is a pat of butter?
It's just enough for a warm biscuit.
Well that's not helpful, all right fine.
[static]
>> All right Brian, where do you stand on cheesecake?
>> I'm not a fan, I could be talked into it.
There's nothing that I hate about it,
it's just that I look at it I'm like uh,
seems to me like I could have a cracker
and two beers for the same number of calories.
>> Well, we are going to to make some cheesecake
using a recipe from "Orange is the New Black".
>> Okay so a cheesecake is sort of defined by what?
A rich, I don't know, buttery texture?
>> Yup. >> Really sweet,
it's almost like an ice cream cake,
but somehow even more buttery?
>> This is going to go really well.
[laughing]
>> So first, what we're going to do is
we're going to take 6 ounces of Graham crackers.
>> The whole box is 14 ounces,
so I'm going to say a little bit less
than half of all of these would be 6 ounces.
>> Okay. So, just crunch them all up.
>> BRIAN: Okay, this will be like the crumble on top,
like the crust? >> Exactly, yeah.
But the crust in a cheesecake,
goes on the bottom. Have you had it before?
>> No, I have not had cheesecake.
Except for this.
This is going to be my first cheesecake experience.
If you're going to gimme cake,
don't tell me there's cheese on it.
>> Okay, I'm going to let that one slide
because I was in the same place,
cream cheese used to freak me out.
But guess what else is going in here?
>> BRIAN: So how fine do you want it?
Do you want it crumbly or do you want it super dusty?
>> Let's get it pretty uh, pretty fine.
We're going to take 4 little pats of margarine.
>> 4 pats? >> Yeah.
I found a variety of recipes for this.
They were all variations on the same thing.
>> Yeah.
>> But so many of them were like,
"Yeah, just put some of this in there."
>> How do you define a pat? >> It's like okay,
you know when you go to a restaurant,
and you get a little square,
and it's a little square of wax paper?
>> Sure.
>> And it's got like a little square of butter on there.
>> That's a pat?
>> I'm pretty sure that's a pat.
>> Okay. That's a pat.
That's a pat.
>> That's a pat. >> That's a pat.
All right, then what? Throw it in there?
>> JASON: Throw it in there. We're going to do--
>> BRIAN: Four of those?
>> Four to six it says. >> Four to six?
>> Yeah. That's a big pat. >> Let's do uh,
That's a big pat. >> Let's do a smaller one.
>> That's a tiny pat. There you go.
>> BRIAN: That's a pat. There you go, one more.
We'll do five. >> One more, okay.
>> Penn Jillette once said
that when he did a cooking reality TV show
he was told that if you want to win,
just go nuts on the salt, sugar and fat.
So we're going to go nuts on the fat.
>> All right. I'm all for it.
Okay, we're going to mash this up.
[crunching of crackers]
Yeah, I know man.
Probably should have got a bigger bowl.
>> Demonetized. >> [laughing] Demonetized.
>> So what is it you're trying to get to--
[laughing] what are you trying to get to right now.
>> I'm making a crust Brian.
>> [laughing] You want the play dough, like spread around?
Or? >> Yeah man.
>> You want it all one consistency?
>> JASON: We got to crush this up and mix it.
It's all sticking to my hands.
[Brian laughing hard]
Should I.
It's going to be delicious.
>> [laughing] You're doing great.
You're doing great. >> I should of had you do this.
[Brian laughing]
It's not supposed to be all grainy and stuff.
It's got to be more like doughy.
Maybe we need more margarine. >> I'll finish this for you.
Wait, is it margarine or butter?
>> It's margarine.
>> Okay, the fantastic sixth pat.
The sixth pat is love. >> Get it all in there.
Fine powder. [Brian cackling]
You know, add as much margarine as you need.
Cause who gives a [tingling]. >> Wait, really?
[Brian laughing] >> I mean, come on.
>> I think we could do one more pat.
Because it is getting consistency.
Look at that,
it's starting to kind of hold it's shape here.
You're not even looking. >> Oh good.
>> That's fine, all right. >> I see it!
Do you want the pat or do you want me to look?
>> No that's why.
You're like the distracted mom.
I'm doing cartwheels and you're like,
"That's nice honey."
>> JASON: So you're supposed to mix well.
And press firmly to the bottom of the dish.
Because you're making a crust.
>> This is the same dish, the bowl,
that we're going to make it in.
>> Yes, microwave safe. Make sure you get that.
Which it is.
>> Okay, I'm going to cement all of this to the side.
>> JASON: Playing it fast and lose.
>> BRIAN: Look at this, this is working.
>> JASON: Right!
>> BRIAN: It is adhering nicely to the sides.
>> JASON: In a separate dish,
we're going to put some cream cheese in there.
>> Okay, what is cream cheese?
>> Man, you're asking all the hard questions.
>> It's just straight up cheese?
>> Yeah, you just put it on locks and bagels.
Bagels and locks. Have you ever had that?
>> LockPickingLawyer shows up because like technically no.
>> So cut the cream cheese package towards you
[disturbing music] or away from you?
>> BRIAN: I swear to God. [disturbing music]
>> I just had to open the packet, that's all.
It's fine, look. There's no blood.
[disturbing music]
Jesus Christ!
No thumbs were cut in the making of this
food. Food.
>> All right, I think I have a decent crust.
>> JASON: So we're going to use,
bunch of cream cheese.
Squash it into as smooth a mass as possible.
>> There's no amount give?
>> Uh?
>> Does it say a bunch of cream cheese.
>> I kind of had to play some stuff by ear.
It says like, use all of the wedges.
It didn't say. It's fine.
It's going to be great.
He's going to look it up.
>> BRIAN: There we go, one wedge is 21 grams.
So this whole thing is 28 grams.
How many wedges do we put in?
>> Eight. See, so that's not right.
It's not right.
Dude, eight wedges are not going to fit.
You'd have a gigantic, that'd be a huge cake.
All right, going to mix it up. Mix and mash,
put a little lemon juice in there.
Yeah. [cheese squelching]
[Brian laughing]
I might need another pair of hands.
>> And then what?
>> Continue to blend to work out the lumps.
Mix in pudding. How much pudding?
Four cups of vanilla pudding. >> I don't think these are.
This is not a cup of pudding.
>> Man, I think you're over thinking this.
>> [laughing] Okay.
>> We have these perfectly good utensils,
I'm using my hands. >> I noticed.
We all noticed. >> You know what?
I'm going to wash my hands and use utensils
because just, wow.
>> BRIAN: Yeah, it's really clumpy.
The two of these guys don't want to mix real nice.
>> I got to be honest with ya,
it's starting to look like cream cheese.
What are we making? >> Cheesecake.
>> Cheesecake!
It's starting to look like cheesecake.
[Jason laughing] [Brian laughing]
All right, smash up the bag of Doritos.
Oh, that's a different episode, nevermind.
No we're good. Add more lemon juice.
Just a taste. Brurp. Brup, sorry.
[Brian laughing] >> I don't think you are.
>> Oh Dude, We have measuring cups.
I forgot I brought these.
They were sitting right there the whole time.
>> BRIAN: All right, this is coming out nice and fluffy.
What do I do with it? >> That's good.
We're going to put--
I know dude. I know.
Coffee-mate powdered creamer. >> Yeah.
>> We're not setting it on fire today.
>> Yeah. >> And new for us--
[fire roaring]
We are putting six ounces.
It is about 180 milliliters.
Here's a 120.
And then we'll do another 60.
There we go. Okay.
Felling pretty good about it.
[soft music]
I'm going to eat the whole thing.
>> I'm going to hold you to that.
>> I'm going to eat the whole thing.
>> BRIAN: I just got way more interested in this project.
[Jason laughing]
>> We're going to chill it
in our new Pruno bucket. >> Okay.
>> Wait, wait, wait, hang on.
We're going to microwave our crust.
[soft music]
I've never used this microwave, it's different.
>> He hit the defrost button. [laughing]
[Jason shushing]
>> It's going to be awesome.
I'm going to eat all of it.
And it's going to be amazing.
>> Where do you get ice in prison.
>> I don't know.
That's a good question.
Probably also don't have a big kitchen knife.
Just guessing.
>> BRIAN: So how long did we zap that for?
>> It was a minute. And it smells really good.
But I'm going to do another 30 seconds.
When's your birthday?
I'm going to make you a cake.
[Brian laughing]
It's February. I'm making you a cake.
>> [whispering] It's not February.
>> You did a great job on this.
>> BRIAN: So just glop it in?
>> JASON: Glop it in.
This is out filling.
Okay, for the filling we got the cream cheese,
Coffee-mate, lemon juice,
and the crust is graham crackers.
>> Okay. >> Margarine.
Oh yeah, and then we have the pudding in there too.
>> Yeah, now what?
>> Okay, let's go ahead and put the lid on it.
>> Wait, that's it? That's all the ingredients?
>> That's it man.
Then we're going to let it cool for the next four hours.
So you want to submerge it all the way down.
Throw a bunch of stuff on top.
That's ideal, right.
Because you want to get the filling nice and firm, right.
Hide it under your bunk or something like that.
Come back,
and it's dessert time. >> Time travel.
[double clapping]
We played, I'd say, fairly fast
and lose with all the elements.
But I'm going to guess that the reason
everything's all loosey goosey is
because it kind of doesn't matter.
So fingers crossed. >> Let's hope.
We're eating cheesecake out of a bucket.
[Brian laughing]
>> It's been four hours of coolness.
Do you think it's going to be solid?
Or do you think it's just a bowl of pudding basically?
It looks solid.
>> What's the texture like?
Is that kind of cheesecake texture?
>> BRIAN: Oh my God, it is.
We could just eat it straight out of the bowl.
Do you think if we flipped it,
it would look like a proper fancy food?
>> It wouldn't look like cheesecake.
But, I don't care. >> Want to try that?
>> Yeah, do it.
>> BRIAN: Here, go for it.
>> Oh, I think I got it. [Brian gasping]
>> Oh look at that!
So fancy.
>> JASON: Needs like a cheery or something.
>> Hold on, hold on. What? [Brian laughing]
That is a solid crust. [Jason laughing]
>> Careful. [Brian groaning]
>> JASON: I'm glad you did this part.
>> BRIAN: All right, then we'll do this side.
Come on baby. >> Oh! That looks delish.
>> BRIAN: Okay here, you want to pull that out?
>> JASON: Okay, I'm going to give it a shot.
>> BRIAN: Dude, that is a light and flakey delicious crust.
>> JASON: I just assume it's delicious.
>> It's butter and graham crackers,
how could it not be delicious.
>> That's a good point.
>> BRIAN: What are you expecting?
>> I'm expecting something kind of approximating
what aliens or robots would think.
>> [laughing] The human food. >> Cheesecake.
Yeah, all right.
Dude that actually kind of tastes like cheesecake.
>> Much better than I dare thought.
>> Me too.
>> I think we did a bit too much of the lemon.
>> Really?
>> I'm getting more lemon than I would like.
>> Okay see, I was thinking,
is it not enough? Try it really lemony.
>> That's probably a good indication that we did just right.
>> Yeah.
>> But the graham cracker and the crust came out fantastic.
That is a thick, cakey crust.
>> Yeah, I don't know. is it too thick?
It's awfully crunchy.
>> I'm okay with that. I like that the most.
>> Okay, anything that you would do differently?
>> So less lemon. >> It ended up great.
I would probably go a little bit more on the pudding.
>> Okay.
>> Because it's got more of that zesty tang
that I would normally pick for a dessert sweet.
But I would say, I stand corrected.
And apparently, none of the ratios matter.
As long as you have all the ingredients,
you're good. >> Yeah.
You get it in there. You play fast and loose,
whip it together, put it in the crust.
Bam! >> Badda bing bam.
>> You are the most popular guy in cell block D.
>> All right, I'm going to wolf all this down.
>> No, I said I was going to eat the whole thing.
And I'm going to eat the whole thing!
[Brian laughing]
>> Mine! Mine!
>> Dude, Black Friday's right around the corner.
You got to buy a bunch of gifts for people?
>> Oh, I was scared.
I thought it was something else.
>> Oh no,no, no, it's not like
a harvest of souls or anything.
Although that would be the really Black Friday.
>> Zebit is not involved in that.
>> No, correct. As a matter of fact
zebit.com/rogue Is where you go to sign up
to get $2,500 of interest free credit.
What they do, is they got millions
of different name brand products.
And the prices are right there.
You know exactly what you're going to pay.
You pay a little bit up front.
The rest you pay over time.
Take like six months to pay everything,
every other week or so.
>> JASON: That is so good.
>> BRIAN: Even like a triple A gaming title.
I was looking at the new Modern Warfare.
And when you break that into paying twice a month
it all of a sudden starts to look like app store prices.
>> Yeah, it's like you're buying
a cup of coffee a couple of times.
And then you've got the game you've been trying to buy.
Like if you're looking for that little nudge,
be like man want it. I really shouldn't.
And then it's just like,
well this doesn't hurt nearly as bad.
>> Yeah, that's a good way to justify it.
And no membership fees either.
>> Yup. Zebit.com/rogue
Get up to $2,500 of interest free credit.
Thank you zebit.
>> I gave them a wink. They're going to like that.
>> You did? >> Yeah.
>> You're like the distracted mom.
I'm doing cartwheels and you're like,
that's nice honey.
>> Mom, Mom, Mom. Look at the moon sugar.
What did you call it? Moon sand?
>> No I like moon sugar. >> Moon sugar's.
>> It's moon sugar now. >> That's a Skyrim thing.
>> She's on the main stage right now.
[laughing] Let's see some tips people.