- [Narrator] How to be a Canadian.
2 Canadian, 2 Courteous.
Step one, be overly polite.
♫ A little bit of history
♫ A penny and a nickel and a quarter and a dime
♫ Mean a lot to you and me
♫ It's more than pocket money
♫ They're the symbols of our land
♫ They're pictures of important things
♫ For which this country stands
Step two, enjoy fine Canadian cuisines such as:
maple syrup, on pretty much anything we can think of.
Delicious trademarked donut holes.
Man's greatest creation.
Man's worst creation.
Ketchup chips.
All dressed chips.
Bloody Ma--
I mean, Caesars.
Lots of this stuff.
Custardy bars of goodness.
California rolls, depending who you ask.
KD and KD for deranged psychopaths.
Step three, apologize.
- Sorry?
You're sorry? (crying)
- I just think we need some time apart.
I mean, you're gonna be at your cottage all summer,
and I've got training camp for Junior B.
- Oh my god, Junior B.
No one gives a shit if you made Junior B.
- Okay people care about Junior B.
Come on, what about all the good times we had?
What about that time we went ice skating in "Ver-gina?"
Or when we shared our first poo-tin
on your mom's Chesterfield?
- You know what?
This is what you want?
Fine.
It's over.
By the way,
it's poutine, you goose (bleeping),
Simple Plan loving (bleep) bag
with arms skinnier than Celine (bleeping) Dion!
- [Narrator] Don't stop apologizing.
- Oh.
I'm sorry my little coffee crisp.
Did I startle ya?
- I was just watching a scary episode
of Murdoch Mysteries, so.
- My apologies.
(tense music)
- Wait a Montreal minute.
I'm sorry if I'm jumping to conclusions, but,
are you wheelin' my wife?
- I am so sorry.
She's just such a rocket, I had no idea she was married.
- Sorry.
- Well you are lucky I sniped three goals tonight,
otherwise I'd be droppin' the gloves right now.
- A hat-trick?
- Yeah.
You should've seen the second one.
Sniped right from the blue line.
- [Man In Glasses] Nice moves.
- Oh, it was good.
- You should've seen mine.
- Oh yeah?
- Oh they were good.
- [Husband] Alright buddy, you want a beer?
- [Man In Glasses] Yeah, let's do it.
- [Husband] Let's do it.
- [Narrator] Enjoy the great outdoors.
- You see anything yet?
- Nope.
- Are we out of beer?
- Yup.
- [Narrator] Find yourself in the following situations.
- Malcolm passes to Crosby,
triple over time, for the win.
- Car.
(car honking)
(yelling) Honey!
They made the milk bags too big again.
(sniffing)
I'm telling you, bud, it smells exactly like maple syrup.
(sniffing) It smells like plastic to me.
- You gotta be shittin' me, bud.
- Bud, you've had your hands up a cow's ass all day.
You couldn't tell the different between
buzz or vomit in a Muskoka campfire.
(reggae music)
- Wait.
Dude, is this legal?
- Dude, nobody knows.
- [Narrator] Step seven.
Live in a small town.
- I'm starving.
Is anything open?
- I don't know.
Yelp it.
- Hey, we're hungry, who's open?
- [Man] We got some beaver tails here.
- [Narrator] Or live in the city.
- [Man In Overalls] Hey, we're hungry, who's open?
- I don't get it.
- Me either.
But I feel triggered.
- [Narrator] Love Canadian music.
- Hey everyone, Tork Scrompelli here.
I'm standing with--
- Jacob, what's up?
- Alright Jacob, I got two new awesome CDs here for ya.
Whoa, if you can answer me this question, you ready?
- Oh hell yeah.
- Who won the 1998 Juno for best rock album?
Was it Our Lady Peace, Sloan, or Moist?
- Oh man, I love them all so much.
Was it Our Lady Peace?
- Yeah, you got it!
Our Lady Peace, a band that'll definitely
be popular forever.
- Oh my god.
Tork is so hot.
(sighing)
- Back to you guys--
- Hey, I just wanna give a quick (bleep) you
to Tommy and Jen.
I told you I'd get on the show, ha ha.
Blegh!
- [Narrator] Participate in Canada's greatest contest.
(slow orchestral music)
(grand orchestral music)
- He's got it!
Everybody, he's got the winning cup!
(cheering)
- [Old Man] Wow a free coffee.
- [Man] Leave the boy alone, you'll kill him.
- [Person] Where'd all these people come from?
- [Man In Black Shirt] Run, Charlie.
Run straight home and don't stop 'til you get there.
(grand orchestral music)
- [Narrator] Be accepting.
- [News Anchor] It's 22 minutes, best of Rob Ford.
- Why aren't you dressed yet?
The game's gonna start soon and I don't wanna
miss the t-shirt cannon.
- Dad, I need to tell you something.
- What is it, boy?
- I'm afraid if I tell you,
you're gonna think of me different.
- You can tell me anything.
I love you no matter what.
I mean, I have seen the shirtless Ryan Gosling
poster in your bedroom, so--
- No, no, no, no, it's not that.
It's, I just don't like hockey.
(tense music)
- Get out of my house.
- But dad, I--
- Get out of my house.
- I still like sports, I just prefer soccer.
- I don't have a son anymore.
- Where am I supposed to go?
- Europe.
- [Narrator] Learn about Canadian history.
- [Woman] Gregory!
Gregory, come quick!
He's done it!
He's finally done it!
(dogs barking) (upbeat music)
- Quickly, come now.
Not a minute to waste.
- Bernard, fill me up.
(upbeat music)
- Sir, what do you call such a thing?
- The beer bong.
(burping)
- [Narrator] Dr. Chester Bong invented the world's
greatest drinking tool that day,
and ever since, Canadians have been known as hosers.
And finally, celebrate Canada Day
the only way we know how.
♫ Oh, Canada
♫ We stand on guard for thee
(vomiting)
- Happy birthday, Canada!
- [Man] Dude, were my Molsons in there?
- [Narrator] What did we miss?
Leave a comment in the comments section below.
♫ A penny and a nickel and a quarter and a dime
♫ Mean a lot to you and me
♫ It's more than pocket money
♫ They're the symbols of our land
♫ They're pictures of important things
♫ For which this country stands