Because I think that's the biggest
problem with the world right now,
is that people have just gotten
so selfish.
They don't care about anybody
anymore.
And I know, I've never felt
the world this miserable before.
And I don't think the biggest
problem is the economy or politics
or even the pandemic.
I think the biggest problem right
now is that we've forgotten that we
belong to each other.
And that's the truth.
We all have to be a little bit
nicer, a little bit kinder.
And if you don't like how you feel,
try do something nice for somebody
else.
If you want to feel good,
you got to do good.
All right.
This side of the room--
guys.
(audience cheering)
I'm gonna be-- You don't even need
to do something for somebody,
if you just see something good
happen for somebody else,
it makes you feel good.
It does.
Like, OK, I feel like you guys are
judging me.
I'll give you a real life example.
OK?
This happened about five years ago
when I was at LAX, OK?
Now, first off, I want to say that I
feel very blessed that I get to do
this for a living.
I can't believe that I get to be
a comedian.
It's the best.
It really is.
It's so fun.
It took forever to get good at it.
(audience laughing)
Like, when I moved to Los Angeles,
my whole family was so supportive
for, like, the first two years.
(audience laughing)
They were like, "you can do it."
And then like five years after that,
they're like, "you're still trying?
"All right."
(audience laughing)
So the simple fact that I get
to do this and like--
It's amazing.
But the truth is like after a while,
I just don't like the travel, OK?
Going to the airport
for me is kind of like--
I don't know if you've ever taken
your dog to the vet and at first,
they're all happy just
to be in the car.
They're like, this is awesome.
Then they start to recognize stuff
and they're like, wait a second.
I know where we're going.
Let me out.
Let me out right now.
I thought you loved me.
I thought you-- that's how I feel
about the airport.
(audience laughing)
So about five years ago,
I had the first flight out of LAX.
And I don't know if you've ever had
the first flight out,
but it's a weird feeling because I
had to set my alarm for like 3:30
in the morning.
That's weird.
Because, like, you set your alarm
and then it just goes off.
(audience laughing)
Did I even sleep last night?
I think it still is last night.
(audience laughing)
So normally when I have to wake up
that early, I buy donuts
and I put them all the way
in the kitchen.
And I'll be like, I don't want-- oh,
I have donuts and I'll get out
of bed.
Like, I have to train myself
like a schnauzer.
Like, who's a good boy?
Stevie's a good boy.
He deserves a treat.
He woke up like a grown-up.
He gets sprinkles.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
So I didn't have donuts
that morning.
And I was just laying in bed
like, I'm not going to go.
I don't care.
I don't want to.
And then I started to think
about how lucky I am to get to do
this.
That's-- As I was driving
to the airport, I went, oh, I could
get McDonald's breakfast, and that
put joy into my little body.
I was like, yes, I'm going to get
extra hash brown.
It's going to be awesome.
I was so happy walking through TSA
that I was like,
you have a good morning.
And they were like, "keep your eyes
"on the chubby guy in the sweater,
"he is too happy."
And I was so happy.
I get to McDonald's and I was
like, hello, may
I please have a number two
with the extra hash brown?
And the lady was like, "I'm sorry,
"honey, we're not open yet."
And I was like, I could smell
McDonald's but I don't get to eat it?
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
And she felt so bad she was like,
"can I just--
"how about a free cup of coffee?
"Just take it.
"It's free.
"We have coffee."
And I was like, no thank you
because I don't even want to be
awake right now.
(audience laughing)
I just want to fall asleep
on the plane and be like,
oh, I guess I woke up in Chicago.
(audience laughing)
So I go to my gate
and it was so early,
it was like five o'clock
in the morning.
It was so early, nobody was even
on their phone yet.
That's early, right?
Like everybody was just sitting
there trying to stay awake.
They look like little kids staying
awake for Santa like this, right?
Now, to the corner of my eye,
I just felt like a presence.
And this guy was just moving
with the confidence of a winner.
Like you ever just see somebody
and you could tell they're like,
their lives are way better than
yours?
Like he was walking
with this confidence strut.
You know?
Like this guy didn't need donuts
to get out of bed in the morning.
He probably had
a kettlebell and green juice.
He was like, I'm up earlier
than jocko.
Yes.
Like you could just--
two people?
Thank you for getting
that reference.
All right.
Like I could tell just by this guy's
bone structure
he knew the difference
between a bond and an annuity.
You know those people?
Like he was wearing a suit at 5:00
AM.
He was dressed like a real grown-up.
If you told a six-year-old to draw
a grown up, that's what this guy
looked like.
He look like Steve Martin
from Planes, Trains,
and Automobiles.
He was wearing a suit.
He had an overcoat.
And he had his wheely bag.
And he just had that confidence.
Like you ever just see somebody,
like, that guy's never thought
about suicide?
You know those people that are
like a winner?
This guy was like a winner.
So I see him moving like this.
And as he's getting closer to me,
is I start to squint,
and he starts looking
from this direction.
And so I look in that direction
and then I saw somebody that I just
related to.
This guy was chubby.
He was wearing sweatpants that I
could tell he slept in.
I could tell he did because game
recognize game.
I could tell he was like one less
decision tomorrow, right?
Yeah.
And here's the best part,
he was eating Cheetos at 5:00 AM.
Yes.
And they weren't even a little bag
of Cheetos they sell at the airport,
it was like the big Costco bag
of Cheetos.
(audience laughing)
Which means,
which means he put them
through the security belt
like they're going to be
delicious on the other side,
they're going to be delicious--
OK.
The guy was awesome.
So I see him eating the Cheetos,
and he's just like this.
And then the guy that's
the winner starts looking at him
and he goes, "Scooter?"
And the guy went, Larry?
They had been-- they were best
friends.
They didn't see each other for 30
years and they caught up right there
in the airport.
It was like an episode of
This Is Us.
It was amazing.
It just made us feel good.
All right.
Thank you.
All right, you monsters.
I have a better example.