-Now, if you've got a chance to look at the paper this morning,
you might have seen there was a new study on migrating tree frogs.
And in that -- [ Sniffs ] I'm sorry.
I think I could be wrong here. But I smell smoke.
And if you smell smoke, that can only mean one thing.
It's time for "Ya Burnt"!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Welcome to the Burn Zone.
We've got a lot of topics to sizzle through
but not a lot of time. Over here is the Burner.
Let's turn on the gas and load her up!
Whoo!
[ Laughing ] S-S-Somebody stop me!
First up, sunburn.
Ah, sunburns, the only societal disadvantage to being white.
[ Laughter ]
Sunburns, you turn me so red,
my body looks like the 2016 electoral map.
Side burn, Democrats.
-Side burn!
Seriously, I haven't been burned this bad since a lady told me
how her favorite part of this show was The Roots.
[ Laughter ]
Sunburn, time to peel off, 'cause ya burnt!
Flip-flops.
Who was the freak who looked at a big toe and thought,
"That would look great in a thong"?
Flip-flops are appropriate for the beach, the pool,
and that's it.
Here's a little rhyme to help you remember.
If the distance to water is more than three blocks,
do us all a favor and wear [bleep] socks.
[ Laughter ]
Flip-flops, flop off! Ya burnt.
World Cup games that end in a tie.
You are the blue balls of sports.
This is like if you went to a concert,
and the band spent two hours
tuning their instruments and then left.
And the worst tie is a 0-0 tie.
If I wanted to see someone not score,
I'd go back in time and watch myself at prom.
Side burn, me.
-Meyers Burn!
-World Cup games that end in a tie, get broke. Ya burnt!
Horse-drawn carriages.
Love cars but wish they were slower and took dumps?
[ Laughter ]
Check out horse-drawn carriages.
It's the perfect way to tell New Yorkers,
"I'm not from here. And I'm a little much."
[ Laughter ]
And, hey, nothing beats a horse, except of course for the driver.
[ Audience groans ]
[ Laughter ]
Horse-drawn carriages, ya burnt!
Ticks, you stealthily attach yourself to vulnerable people
and carry over a dozen infectious diseases.
You're the John Mayer of insects.
-To ticks, every body's a wonderland!
-And can we think of a less tasty-sounding name
than lyme disease?
You're ruining margaritas for everyone.
Ticks, go crawl up a deer's ass. Ya burnt.
The Pride Parade.
This Sunday, hundreds of thousands of New Yorkers
marched in celebration of the LGBTQ community.
It's just like the New York Marathon
except everybody is in way better shape.
[ Laughter ]
This year, we need the Pride Parade more than ever.
And that's why you're this week's Unburnable.
Take your feather boa and your six-pack
and ascend to that rooftop bar in the sky.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Doctor's appointments.
Hey, doctors, it's not that you're making me wait two hours.
It's that you're making me wait two hours
for 30 seconds of your time.
I didn't sit in the waiting room
watching two full episodes of "The Steve Wilkos Show"
so you could tell me to "keep an eye on it."
I haven't waited this long for something so quick
since I lost my virginity.
-A full decade after prom!
[ Laughter ]
-And why?
Why can't I get the hemorrhoid cream over the counter?
It shouldn't be this much of a pain in the ass
to treat my pain in the ass.
Doctor's appointments, I'm calling your number.
Ya burnt!
Up next, barbecues.
[ Siren wails ] Uh-oh!
That sound means things are really heating up,
which means it's time for our speed round, The Blaze.
Hot dogs, what parts of the pig are you made of?
You got more ass [bleep] in you than Congress.
Ya blazed!
Deviled eggs, you're sweatier than an Irish girl at SoulCycle.
Ya blazed!
Baked beans, you look the same on the way in
as you do on the way out.
Ya blazed!
Lighter fluid. Great idea.
Let's have people drink a few beers
and then hand them gasoline in a squirt bottle.
Ya blazed!
BYOB? Suck my D-[bleep]. Ya blazed.
Kiss the cook? Kiss-the-cook aprons?
Kiss my D-[bleep]. Ya blazed!
[ Buzzer ]
Ohh! That buzzer means we've run out of time.
It looks like I have to wait until the next "Ya Burnt."
We'll be right back.