- I wish I was cool. I do.
I'm not cool. You wanna know why I'm not cool?
Because I try to be cool. That's my problem.
Even the way I'm dressed right now,
like I'm in a band that didn't work.
Like I had one song on MTV2 and now I'm on a reality show.
That's how, I am, because here's why.
It's cause I try to be cool.
Don't do that. Just stay you.
Like, I'll be at a party.
I see a pretty girl I know, I'll be like,
"Hey, Jane the Dame."
I'm like, "Dammit, get the car. Mike, get the car."
What happened? I rhymed. You rhymed already?
Just get the car, Mike!
All my friends are like, "What's going on?"
Brent rhymed again, like Dr. Seuss!
Just get in the car, there were no girls anyway!
There were plenty of girls, Brent!
Exits are the worst for me, though.
I can't leave a conversation,
cause I always try to say something witty or charming
when I'm walking away.
I don't know why I think I can do that, I can't.
Just say bye.
Like you ever try to say something witty or charming
when you're walking away,
and then like your brain-to-mouth doesn't work,
and actual words don't even come out?
You ever do that before?
Like some girl will be like, "It was nice to meet you."
I'm like, "yeah, hey, nice to, fine line tape,
four, six, five."
Mike, the car!
Why you walking like a Lego?
Just get the car, Mike. Please!
You try to justify, like maybe she just thinks
I had a stroke and I handled it well.
Yo, you ever do that then realize you're walking
the wrong way, you gotta go back?
You're like, dammit!
But you're like it's okay, I got another chance.
But then she throws you like, "Have a good night!"
You're like, "Yeah, keep the rain down."
Keep the rain down? What are you, Prince?
Mike, the car! I'm not doing well!
Why you walking in circles?
Why are you asking questions instead of getting the car?
You're the worst designated driver ever!
She's looking at you weird.
She's still there? Yeah, what should I do? Say something.
Mike! Help!
(audience laughing and cheering)
But the most embarrassing, awkward leave I ever had
in my life if I met Bradley Cooper once.
He was a super hot, nice guy.
I don't know why I said hot.
(audience laughing)
Whatever, I'm not gay. I'm not gay.
It's okay if you're gay. I'm not.
He's, look if he committed a crime
and I witnessed it, and he fled the scene,
the cop's like can you describe him,
I'd be like, "6'3", built like a God,
just tan, good tan, great shoulders.
He's got those Vs. You know, those Vs that are hard to get?"
So he wasn't wearing a shirt?
No, he was wearing a shirt,
but you could tell he had the Vs.
I'm not gay.
But if he was gay and he kissed me,
I'd wait like three seconds before I was like,
"No, no, no. We can't do this."
But anyway, he would, I met him, and he was super nice.
He was saying hi to everyone.
And he comes up to me and he goes,
"Hey man, have a good night."
And he shakes my hand.
I was like what a nice guy.
But here's what I said, he goes,
"Hey man, have a good night."
I was like, "All right, night night!"
(audience laughing)
Night night to Bradley Cooper? Like, what am I, a mother?
Why would I ever say night night?
You're either a mother or Willy Wonka.
Those are the only reasons.
Like, my heart was sweating.
You ever had your heart sweat?
Like, you're in high school and you call your teacher mom
for no reason.
Anybody else ever do that?
Am I the only one who got caught off guard?
Like, "Hey Brent!" Hey Mom. No!
Mike, the car! I can't drive!
Well get the bike, I'm on the pegs!
We're not graduating.
(audience cheering)
And I hate it. I hate it.
Because then I gotta go out and I gotta flirt,
and I gotta get drunk to do it because girls are mean.
You're so mean. You're the meanest people.
You're beautiful, but you're so much.
Girls are meaner than men,
cause women will turn you down right away.
Guys won't do that.
I might leave you in a parking lot
at three in the morning
cause I don't know how to say no,
but I won't turn you down.
Women will turn you down and then say things you didn't need
to know about yourself.
Just say no, you already won.
Like, I'll be at a bar and see a girl.
I'm like, "Hey, what's up?"
She's like, "Ew, you're weird. Don't touch me.
You have a horrible body. You have a terrible body.
You're really gonna touch me?
Your body pushes in. You have a pillow body.
It stays pushed in. You have a Temperpedic body.
That's what you have. You have a Temperpedic body.
Your knees are indented.
Do you know you have indented knees?
What are you, a raptor?
You gonna jump up and grab some things?
Is that what you're gonna do?
You look like a lava lamp. That's what it is, dum-dum.
Don't move. Just a sec, my friends need to see this.
Amanda, David, he's gay, Kristen, come here.
No, come here. Look at this. Look at the body.
Push the body in, Kirsten. What is that? Pillow body.
Thank you Kristen, love you.
Look at the knees, look at the knees.
Raptor, thank you Michelle.
Look at the face. Lava lamp, thank you David.
That's why we have a gay.
Now go drink and see what happens."
(audience applauding)
Thanks a lot!