My husband called me on the phone,
and he said, "Our son has died."
I didn't immediately start to cry.
I just kept saying, "I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do."
By the time Chase was about 13, he
started experimenting with drugs,
and by 15 it was full-blown.
Just saw a shift in the group of friends, the kind of people
he wanted to hang out with.
Boys were wilder.
That's kind of how it started.
We experienced a lot of rehabs, police
at our home, suicide attempts.
We were just thrown into chaos.
And we felt like we'd lost him.
And I remember the first time visiting him in jail
and walking down that long hallway, and I was devastated.
I remember coming out of there just sobbing.
The whole way home, I just could not console myself.
The next 14 times that he was in jail, each time got easier.
And I realized that something that
was so hard in the beginning became a blessing.
When he would come out of jail and he'd be sober
and he'd try to go back to church,
try to resume his life without drugs and alcohol,
he could never get past the belief
that he'd just done so many things that were so bad that he
was beyond help and hope.
It wouldn't be long before he'd just go right back
to what was comfortable.
Word had gotten out with a lot of our friends and family
about his drug use.
And I had a friend come up to me at the gym
and started talking a lot about death and drug addicts dying,
and it just turned.
And I remember feeling gripped with anxiety,
and I immediately went home and just crumbled
on the floor in tears.
Just cried--cried for what felt like an hour.
I went and looked in the mirror, and I
thought, "I don't know who that is anymore."
And all I saw was sorrow and sadness and pain in my face.
And at that moment I thought, "I'm
going to just get down on my knees,
and I'm going to ask Heavenly Father for joy."
I had never thought about that before,
just asking Him for joy.
But I did.
I knelt by my bed, and I just said, "Heavenly Father,
I--I'm so sad.
And I need you to lift me.
And I need--will you just show me joy?"
I got myself together, cleaned myself up,
and I was out running errands.
I could hear His voice saying, "Just look.
Just look around you."
The birds were singing, and everything
seemed beautiful and colorful and bright.
Heavenly Father was letting me know, "It's all around you
if you'll just take a moment, just take the time
to be present and look.
My love and my joy is all around you."
It changed the way I looked at things.
My husband called me on the phone,
and he said, "Chase has died."
It was the most helpless, lost feeling that I've ever
experienced in my life.
And I felt as if I were in a bubble,
and it wasn't real at that moment.
It hadn't become real yet.
Drugs just bring on so much trauma in your family,
well before you lose that loved one.
It's just ugly, and it scars you.
And so what was really important for our family,
including my son's children, was to get grief therapy,
to go to a therapist and talk out all your fears,
because you get fearful.
When it's all said and done and when the funeral is over
and a quiet sets in, you're alone with your thoughts,
and you become fearful sometimes.
And so you kind of learn to live with that.
I can cry every day if I want to, and some days I have.
But you find that in time, as you keep praying and drawing
upon friends and family for help--that you ask
for help--there comes a calming effect to you that just lets
you know it's OK.
I just rely on my Heavenly Father
to just calm me now if I take the time to look around.
But the Savior is so present and so ready
to lift our burdens and comfort us.