[MUSIC PLAYING]
This is incredible.
I love Ellen, and this is--
I'm not used to this kind of attention.
I mean, when I was younger, I never got attention from guys.
But then, you know, the old story.
I got the braces off of my legs, and yeah, things really
picked up.
But I was not a cute kid.
I actually dated a mime in college.
I didn't even know it was a mime at first.
I thought it was just like pale and quiet.
And I could never get close to him, you know.
It was like there was a wall between us, you know, just--
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
It was hard.
And he actually broke up with me, and it was in public.
And it was so embarrassing because he was like--
I was like, can I keep the beret, you know?
But I've been dating this really, really great guy
for about a month, and he actually just proposed--
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
--that we see other people, and I accepted.
But no, I actually did--
I went through a bad breakup this year.
But I know it's just you want everything
to be perfect, right?
And we wanted totally different things in the bedroom.
Like, he was always turning the lights on.
And I would shut him off, and he put them on.
And right before we broke up, he was like,
Amy, why are you so shy?
You have a beautiful body.
And I was like, oh, my God, you're so cute.
You think I don't want you to see me?
Thank you so much.
I was a big fan early on.
I thought you were very, very funny,
and I think you're going to do--
I mean, you've only been doing this 3 and 1/2 years.
Yeah.
That's amazing.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, you're going to do very well.
And now, people are writing about you, I assume.
Are you reading your press?
Are you--
Yeah, I'm reading it.
And some people say really sweet things,
and then some people say mean things.
But I can find a positive spin on any of them.
Like, somebody wrote, has anyone else
noticed Amy is becoming a homely Nicole Kidman?
And I was like, they think I look like Nicole Kidman.
Yeah.
I was really excited about it.
That's the way to do it.
Good.
That's what I heard.
Yeah.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
And you need to do that because you're
going to be written about a lot, so you
need to definitely just pay attention to the positive.
Because you're going to go on tour?
Yeah, I'm about to leave for three months with me and four
guys.
Wish me luck.
Yeah, I did 15 years of that, touring and--
because, usually, there's not two women on the bill.
It's one woman and two guys-- opener,
and middle, and all that stuff.
And I was always the opener, and it's hard.
But there's something to look forward to, right?
Oh, no, not really.
Oh, OK.
No, you'll love it.
And what do you want to do?
You want to keep doing stand up or do you want to do--
I'm an actor, and I love stand up.
I just want to do stand up forever.
I'm totally addicted to it.
But I want to keep acting.
I've always been an actor.
Well, you've got a great delivery.
Thank you.
You've really got a really good-- you know,
I just I love your style.
Hi.
How did this happen?
Am I not taking over the show?
Oh, did someone tell you?
I was so confused because they invited me,
and I know you're wrapping things up.
Right.
And I think I just thought I was going to become you and take
over the show.
Is that not the plan?
Well, I would love it.
I didn't know anything about it, but I think you should.
Let's have her take over the show.
Is that--
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Is that OK or--
This is so great.
So what do I do?
So I-- what do I do?
I don't know.
You almost really do look like me, though.
It's scary looking--
Is it?
Yeah.
Wait, let's switch seats.
Let's see--
OK.
OK, let's--
If people tuned in--
Yeah, people-- OK.
If they--
Oh, yeah.
If they just turned on--
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
OK.
Yeah.
This is good.
Uh-huh.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
We have a great crowd.
We have a great crowd on my show.
Uh-huh.
OK.
OK, no.
But you're right.
OK, let's go-- OK.
All right.
OK.
It's just a bit.
OK.
Yeah.
OK.
The bit's-- oh, the bit's done.
OK.
It's done.
The the bit's done.
Hi.
First of all, we're taping this ahead of time.
But you're about to host the Oscars in a few days,
and you're taking time to be here.
So when this airs, you'll have already hosted.
I'll be freshly canceled.
Are you planning on doing things that could possibly cancel you?
I mean, are you going to be edgy?
Well, that's the problem.
It's not that I make a plan.
It's just I have no impulse control.
And so, it's like, I think, and then, it's too late.
And then, I'm over.
Yeah.
I'm over.
But I did ask you.
I reached out, and I asked you if I could be on the show
because this show has meant so much to me.
And you are the first person who put me on television
and who gave me a chance to perform stand up on TV.
And so, I thank you and this show.
And you have meant so much to me.
So I really wanted to just come and say thank you and just come
on one last time.
So thank you.
Thank you for asking me to come on.
That meant a lot to me.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Look at you.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, look at us.
And now, look at us.
Look at us.
And now, look at us.
Now, look at us.
Yeah.
God.
I've inspired you somehow.
We've morphed into one person.
Yeah, we really are the same person.
No, I remember seeing you, and I thought you were hilarious.
And you continue to--
your career, obviously, has grown and grown.
And we're going to talk about your new show.
If you haven't seen "Life and Beth,"
it is hilarious, and beautiful, and real, and raw, everything
I was texting you.
Last night, I was telling you--
Thank you.
But anyway, we'll talk about that in a minute.
Your son, who is now-- is he three?
I want to say three.
He's definitely nearing three.
Gosh, you button it to the top, to the top.
Well, hands-on the shirt.
The shirt, right?
OK, so he is about to be three.
And yes, we have a son so far.
And I say that just because, look, gay, straight, trans,
as long as he doesn't identify as a DJ, we really don't--
no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That is just a joke.
OK.
It's just a joke.
All right.
I said it for you to, tWitch.
I respect that.
OK?
I respect that.
You know you mean the world to me.
I want to be buried next to you.
I know.
Anyway--
He's an amazing dancer.
Your son-- so you sent me a video of him,
exploring himself in the mirror.
Wait, that doesn't sound good.
I know.
That's not good.
You're right.
It doesn't sound good.
You're right.
He was just looking at himself in the mirror.
That's right.
He had on a baseball hat that had a train on it.
And I just found him looking at himself in the mirror,
and he just gave himself a thumbs up.
It's adorable.
It was so good.
I was just-- oh, if we can just harness that confidence
and that self-love.
I know.
It's precious.
And how is your husband doing?
He's great.
Chris, right?
Yes.
So no, I mean, I really did find the best partner ever.
And I know Chelsea Handler is a friend of yours also.
She's one of my many friends who will say to me,
like, make sure I know how amazing Chris is.
I'm like, I got it.
They're like, this is, Amy.
I'm like, I know.
I hear you.
I know I need him.
But he's actually diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder.
And what happens when you get diagnosed with autism
is it's like getting a superpower.
Like, all of his behavior is excuse now.
So if somebody is telling a long, boring story,
he will straight up just walk away.
He'll just wander away.
And then, I'm just still stuck there like, mhm.
It's incredible.
But he's-- and people don't know much about autism.
They just are like, oh, does he love to count?
Should we drop a bunch of straws on the floor,
and he can count them?
And I'm like, I mean, actually do it.
Who cares?
He'll probably love it.
Do it.
Go for it.
But no, he's the greatest partner.
But he was just diagnosed just recently?
A couple of years ago, yeah, after we were married.
But he knew, obviously, that he was-- because the spectrum is
the spectrum, right?
Everybody is on the spectrum.
It just depends on where you are on it,
but that's amazing that he was just recently diagnosed.
Yeah.
We just did an online test and said,
if you're interested in learning more about your brain, cool.
If not, cool.
But he's like, yeah, I'd like to find out.
And it's really given us so many helpful tools.
And him, for--
I think it's a good thing for people to check it out and get
tested just because-- so you don't spend your whole life
feeling like you're bad or wrong.
Exactly.
I think there's just-- and I think certain behaviors
are beautiful.
I think they're just honest.
My favorite people are on the spectrum.
Yes.
And I feel like there are aspects
of the personality that are just, sometimes, really, really
different.
No, but they upset people.
And it's like, no, they just have different brain chemistry.
And they're incredible, incredible people.
And they love to count.
But the only thing is, that it is--
we're married for years now, and it
is hard to have sex when you're married.
It's hard to have sex when you're married, OK?
Because that's your family.
You know what I mean?
Like, that's my emergency contact, you know?
I'm not going to just have sex with him.
That's disgusting.
Yeah.
And you can't really talk dirty anymore
if you're married because he knows me too well.
I can't be like, I'm going to-- he's like, no, you're not.
Your back hurts.
You're not-- but we've been doing a lot of role-playing.
Wait, hold on.
We have to take a break because I want to hear--
I want to hear all about that.
OK, because this is-- you'll like this.
OK.
I want to hear about that.
Wait, this might be good to take us into the break, actually.
Because the role playing, I always pick the same role.
I always just go, OK, I'm in a coma.
[LAUGHS]