WELCOME TO "HE "LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S A HUGE NIGHT FOR EVERYONE IN MEDIA, BECAUSE TONIGHT WAS
THE LONG-AWAITED, RESCHEDULED DAY THAT DONALD TRUMP ANNOUNCED
HIS FAKE MEDIA AWARDS, THE FAKIES.
AND I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT-- AND THE PEOPLE HERE DON'T KNOW THIS
BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN SEATING HERE FOR ALMOST AN HOUR-- AND AT
5:15 TODAY, "THE LATE SHOW"" WON "FAKEST IN LATE NIGHT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CONGRATULATIONS.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU DID IT!
YOU PEOPLE DID IT!
NOT ME, IT'S YOU!
THANK YOU.
THIS MIGHT NOT END WELL.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
PLEASE, SIT DOWN.
SIT DOWN.
LISTEN, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ON BEHALF OF EVERYONE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW," THANK YOU, SIR.
AND I WOULD SAY I'M HUMBLED, BUT I THINK WE DESERVE IT, IN PART
BECAUSE I'M LYING RIGHT NOW.
WE DIDN'T WIN.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, MEANWHILE, THIS IS
GOOD NEWS?
WE STILL HAVE A GOVERNMENT.
FOR, LIKE,48 HOURS, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
YOU SEE, AFTER THE BREAKDOWN OF DACA NEGOTIATIONS, CONGRESS IS
HURTLING TOWARDS A GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN.
WELL, MAYBE NOT "HURTLING."
THE AVERAGE AGE OF A U.S.
SENATOR IS 62, SO SHAMBLING.
YOU SEE, DESPITE CONTROLLING THE PRESIDENCY AND BOTH HOUSES OF
CONGRESS, THE G.O.P. NEEDS DEMOCRATIC VOTES TO KEEP THE
GOVERNMENT OPEN.
THE DEMOCRATS WILL ONLY DO THAT IF TRUMP SUPPORTS DACA, BUT
TRUMP WILL ONLY AGREE TO DACA IF HE GETS HIS BORDER WALL.
IT'S ALL DETAILED IN THE NEW THRILLER:
"TAKEN 4: OOPS, ALL KIDNAPPERS."
THIS TIME-- IT'S GOOD.
THIS TIME, NO ONE HAS A PARTICULAR SET OF SKILLS.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THE NATION IS STILL
REELING FROM THE SHOCKING NEWS THAT OUR PRESIDENT IS PERFECTLY
HEALTHY.
( LAUGHTER ) DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.
DIDN'T SEE-- NO WAY YOU COULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING.
>> Jon: NO WAY, NO WAY?
>> Stephen: YESTERDAY, THE PRESIDENT'S DOCTOR DECLARED
TRUMP IN EXCELLENT PHYSICAL AND COGNITIVE HEALTH.
YEAH, TRUMP SHOULD BE ON THE COVER OF "MEN'S HEALTH," OR
RATHER, "MEN'S HEALTH?" AND GOOD NEWS, SEVENTH GRADERS,
INSTEAD OF 25 PUSH-UPS AND A MILE RUN, FROM NOW ON, THE
PRESIDENTIAL PHYSICAL FITNESS TEST IS GOING TO BE 25
FILET-O-FISHES AND THREE HOURS OF "FOX & FRIENDS."
SO, HERE'S THE DEAL, THE DOCTOR SAYS TRUMP IS 6'3", DESPITE THE
FACT THAT A COPY OF TRUMP'S LICENSE LISTS THE PRESIDENT AT
6'2".
BUT YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE IN THEIR 70s TEND TO GET TALLER?
THE BONES JUST PLUMP UP.
BY THE TIME MY GAMMY DIED, SHE COULD DUNK.
ANYWAY, THEY'RE STICKING BY IT.
THE DOCTOR SAYS 6'3" AND 239 POUNDS.
BUT SOME PEOPLE DON'T BELIEVE THAT-- FOR INSTANCE, PEOPLE.
MANY OF WHOM HAVE STARTED "THE GIRTHER MOVEMENT" AND BEGAN
POSTING PICTURES OF TRUMP NEXT TO ATHLETES WHO ARE 6'3" AND
AROUND 239 POUNDS.
NOW, LISTEN--
I DON'T SAY THIS OFTEN, BUT WE'RE BEING UNFAIR TO DONALD
TRUMP.
I MEAN, NO ONE LOOKS GOOD PICTURED NEXT TO ONE OF THE
WORLD'S GREATEST ATHLETES.
FOR INSTANCE, I'M 5'11" AND 185 POUNDS.
AND I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU A PICTURE OF ME NEXT TO AN N.F.L.
PLAYER OF THAT SAME HEIGHT AND WEIGHT...
IN HELL.
YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO SEE IT.
( LAUGHTER ) I MIGHT PUT ANOTHER SUIT ON.
IF WE HAVE TO POST PICTURES OF TRUMP ON THE INTERNET, IT SHOULD
BE OF SOMETHING MORE FAIR TO HIM, SAY, TRUMP NEXT TO THE
WORLD'S SADDEST PUMPKIN.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE PRESIDENT'S SUPPORTERS
ARE CROWING ABOUT HIS PHYSICAL.
FOR INSTANCE, TRUMP'S SON AND MAN LOSING TO A MAGIC EYE
POSTER, ERIC TRUMP, APPEARED ON "FOX & FRIENDS" AND
"HANNITY," AND HE TESTIFIED TO HIS FATHER'S ALMOST-SUPER-HUMAN
HEALTH.
>> I MEAN, I'VE NEVER SEEN MY FATHER WITH A COLD.
>> Stephen: OH, COME ON!
EVERYONE GETS COLDS.
SAYING YOU NEVER SEE YOUR DAD WITH A COLD IS LIKE SAYING
YOU NEVER SEE YOUR DAD.
OKAY, CHECKS OUT.