[screaming in the distance] Ratboys: DUNKEY
[Dunkey laughing]
Dunkey: How does he find me?
[screaming in the distance] Ratboys: DUNKEY WHERE ARE YOU?
[Dunkey's laughing continues]
[screaming in the distance] Ratboys: DUNKEY
[Dunkey's laughing continues]
Dunkey: Goddammit.
I can't let Ratboys find me.
Ratboys: DUNKEY
[Ratboys screaming]
[Dunkey laughs and loads a pistol]
Ratboys: NO DUNKEY
DUNKEY NO
NOOOOOOO
Dunkey: Nah, I ain't gonna shoot you, man
I ain---
Ratboys: DUNKEY NO
Dunkey: No no no no no
Shut up!
Ratboys: NO DON'T DUNKEY
PLEASE DON'T
[gunshots]
NOOOOOO
WHYYYYY
[Dunkey laughing]
Dunkey: It's as simple as that, ladies and gentlemen.
Dunkey: Alright, I'm gonna quick take this bear out with one punch here.
[in the distance] Player: Hey, don't, Jason, don't touch the bear--
Player 2: It's Volibear!
[in the distance] Player: Don't touch the bear---
Player 2: It's Volibear!
Dunkey: Touch the bear?
Player: Don't touch the bear!
Dunkey: Punch the bear!
Player: No--
[punch]
Player: Don't--
[dramatic music]
Player: We just--
WHAT THE FUCK
Dunkey: OH SHIT
[screaming and laughing]
Nathon: Uuuuuhhh
Dunkey: Come in the back where no one can hear you scream.
Player: Yeah, yeah.
I got you.
Wait, what?
Dunkey: Now give me your pants.
Hey!
Put that gun down!
Player: My pants are right there!
My pants are right there, man.
Dunkey: Alright, alright.
Player: Just take em, just take em.
Dunkey: That's good.
Alright, now, give me your pants.
That's good.
Alright.
Good.
Now give me your other pants.
Player 2: Uh--
Uh--
Dunkey: Now give me your OTHER pants.
NO!
[gunshot]
WRONG!
[Player gasps]
Dunkey: Now give me your other pants!
Get over here!
Give me your other pants!
[gunshots]
Give me the pants!
Player: HELP ME!
[gunshots]
[gruffled voice] Dunkey: Get in, kid.
I'm a transporter.
Dunkey: Whoops, an accident.
[explosion]
[Dunkey and other player laughs]
[Smash Mouth's "All Star" playing]
Dunkey: GODDAMMIT!
Turn that fucking Smash Mouth off!
[John Cena's "The Time Is Now" starts playing in the distance]
And now here comes the John Cena.
They're gonna both drown each other out.
Jesus fucking Christ!
TURN IT OFF!
TURN THE MUSIC OFF!
[music stops]
Oh, wow, it worked.
Alright.
No more music.
[gunshots in the distance]
Okay?
[gunshots continue]
Now, you guys sit here. I hear shooting out--
Terrorist: The bomb has been planted.
What the f--who planted the bomb?
Who planted the fucking bomb!?
Get the fuck back here.
[gunshots]
Player: AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!
[John Cena's "The Time Is Now" starts playing again]
Dunkey: Put it down
Put the gun down.
Put it down!
PUT IT--
PUT IT DOWN!
[muffled] PUT IT DOWN!
[gunshots]
Other player: Oh, what happen?
[gunshots]
Dunkey: That's what fucking happened.
Dunkey: Get me somewhere where I can write my book.
In peace.
DunkeysDad: What are you writing your book about?
What's the book about?
Dunkey: It's about how to go pee-pee.
DunkeysDad: How to go pee-pee?
DunkeysDad: Now we hide in peace.
Dunkey: Now we play the waiting game.
DunkeysDad: Alright.
Start your book.
Dunkey: Chapter 1:
I was always afraid to go pee-pee.
DunkeysDad: There's people coming for us now, we gotta-
Dunkey (whispering): Shh shh shut up, shut up.
DunkeysDad (whispering): S-Sorry, sorry. Shh.
Dunkey (normally): Nobody is in here.
[Dunkey snickering]
(quietly) He's not gonna know we're here!
DunkeysDad (whispering): Quiet.
[fart noise, holding back laughter]
[gunshot in the distance]
[explosion in the distance]
DunkeysDad (whispering): Shh.
[DunkeysDad screams]
Dunkey: Shh--oh shit.
DunkeysDad (whispering): Shh, shh.
Dunkey (whispering): I think I hear a beaver outside.
DunkeysDad (whispering): It's not a beaver!
Dunkey (normally): Nobody is in here.
DunkeysDad (normally): Nobody's in here.
[molotov cocktail explodes]
Dunkey: FUCK!
[DunkeysDad screams]
Dunkey: WHAT THE FUCK!
[DunkeysDad screams]
[gunshots]
DunkeysDad (dead): NO!
Dunkey: I got 'em!
Dunkey: Hey, what's up, man?
Girl: Hey...
Dunkey: Let's be friends.
Girl: Ok...
Dunkey: Where are your pants?
Girl: I don't have any...
[gunshots]
Dunkey: Fucking idiot.
Shoulda' had pants.
Dunkey: Follow me, I know where the guns are!
Player: Where are the guns?
Dunkey (quietly): As my goon squad rides into the night,
they believe falsely that I know where the guns are.
Dunkey (normally): It's right over here, guys!
I think I see some guns!
Dunkey (quietly): But really, I didn't see any guns
The goons were to fucking stupid to know anything
Dunkey (normally): Oh, goons! There's gun in the--there's a gun over in this forest!
Player: Where the guns at? Where the guns at?
Dunkey: They're right over here, we're getting close
Dunkey (quietly): But really, we weren't close at all.
Player 2: Ok, boss!
Dunkey (quietly): We were in the middle of nowhere.
Dunkey: Give me your gun.
Alright, now give me the bullets.
Player: There you go.
[clicking]
Dunkey: Ok, turns out,
[continues clicking]
these aren't the right bullets.
Dunkey: Alright, I found some bullets.
[gunshot]
Player: Don't you dare shoot me!
DUNKEY!
[gunshots]
Calm down, Dunkey!
Okay, I know that I played Darude - Sandstorm but it's okay.
[gunshots continue]
Are you lagging, Dunkey? Are you lagging?
[more gunshots]
Dunkey: Alright, man, I'm sorry. That was an accident.
Dunkey: Oh, here we go, here we go.
WHA--
Ok, stand still.
Player: What's--
Dunkey: I'm about to have an accident.
Ratboys: Hey wassup, Dunkey, how you doin' man?
[Dunkey laughs]
Dunkey: That's a nice car you got there.
I'm gonna need you--
I'm gonna need you to step out of the vehicle.
[Ratboys stuttering]
I'm gonna need you to step out--
Ratboys: Ah, there we go. Here. You drive, you drive
Dunkey: I'm gonna need to see your license and registration.
Ratboys: Ah, uh, hold on.
Ratboys: There you go. That's my license.
Dunkey: Alright, and registration?
Ratboys: This is--that's my registration right there.
Dunkey: And, uh, hat?
Ratboys: Th--there's my hat.
Dunkey: And, uh, sunglasses?
Ratboys: There they are, right there
Dunkey: And, uh, bandana?
Ratboys: There--there they are
Dunkey: And, uh, underwear?
[Ratboys screams]
[gunshots]
[Ratboys' screaming continues]
[Smooth Jazz]