WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT, TRUMP GAVE HIS STATE OF THE UNION, AND WE ARE LIVE, IF
WHAT YOU CALL WHAT WE JUST WATCHED "LIVE."
IT WAS PRETTY RAUCOUS ON THE REPUBLICAN SIDE, I'LL TELL YOU
THAT MUCH.
PRETTY QUIET ON THE DEMOCRACY SIDE BECAUSE IT WASINANCY'S
HOUSE.
SHE SHOWED GREAT RESTRAINT.
SHE DID NOT STICK ON OUT HER TONGUE ONCE.
THIS WASN'T A PARTICULARLY GOOD SPEECH, BUT WHAT IT LACKED IN
QUALITY, IT MADE UP IN LENGTH.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
PAINT LIE.
( LAUGHTER )
SPEECH THE PRESIDENT REFUSED TO GIVE ANY SPOILERS.
>> YOU'LL HEAR THE STATE OF THE UNION AND THEN YOU'LL SEE WHAT
HAPPENS RIGHT AFTER THE STATE OF THE UNION.
>> Stephen: OKAY, YES.
THAT IS HOW TIME WORKS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THROUGHOUT THE SPEECH, TRUMP STUCK TO HIS TELEPROMPTER MOST
OF THE NIGHT.
HIS STAFF TRIED TO KEEP HIM FOCUSED ON THE PROMPTER BY
ADDING A BOUNCY CHEESEBURGER.
( LAUGHTER )
SNAP IN!
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT!
NO SURPRISE, THE DEMOCRATS WHO HAVE ANNOUNCED THEIR 2020
CAMPAIGNS, ALREADY REALLY TRIED TO MAKE A SPLASH WITH THEIR
GUESTS.
ELIZABETH WARREN BROUGHT AN EMPLOYEE OF THE U.S. DEPARTMENT
OF HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT FURLOUGHED DURING THE GOVERNMENT
SHUTDOWN.
KAMALA HARRIS BROUGHT AN AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER WHO WENT
WITHOUT A PAYCHECK DURING THE SHUTDOWN AND LOST HER HOME IN A
WILDFIRE.
NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SENATOR CORY BOOKER BROUGHT A HERO FROM HIS
HOMETOWN OF NEWARK: A FLAMING PARKED CAR.
( LAUGHTER )
EARLY-- EARLY IN THE EVENING, I HAD HIGH HOPES.
I HAD HIGH HOPES.
ESPECIALLY WHEN CNN TEASED US WITH THIS GRAPHIC:
"TRUMP LEAVES WHITE HOUSE SOON."
COME ON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S NOT COOL!
CNN, UNCOOL, CNN.
"THIS JUST IN: PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS OFFICIALLY STEPPED DOWN...
THE FRONT STAIRS TO GET IN HIS CAR."
( LAUGHTER )
DON JR., WHO APPARENTLY ARRIVED WITH POLICE.
KIND OF HOW IT IS FOR HIM NOW.
COPS HANG OUT NEAR HIM WITH CUFFS OPEN AND READY.
( LAUGHTER )
CHOOSING ENERGY SECRETARY RICK PERRY AS THE DESIGNATED
SURVIVOR.
SO THAT'S IN CASE, IF SOMETHING-- GOD FORBID--
HAPPENED AT THE CAPITOL TONIGHT-- A METEOR TOOK OUT ALL
OUR LEADERSHIP, RICK PERRY WOULD BE OUR OWN HOPE.
AND AN EXPERT ON RICK PERRY HAS THIS REACTION TO THAT CHOICE:
>> OOPS.
>> Stephen: OOPS, INDEED.
OOPS, INDEED.
STATE OF THE UNION, ALWAYS A BIG NIGHT.
ALWAYS A BIG NIGHT.
EVERYBODY WHO WAS ANYBODY WHO WAS NOT INDICTED WAS THERE.
LET'S SEE, DEMOCRATIC WOMEN WORE WHITE TO COMMEMORATE THE
SUFFRAGETTES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BEAUTIFUL.
>> Stephen: >> Jon: YEAH, THAT'S AMAZING.
I LOVE THAT.
>> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL.
( APPLAUSE )
SEA OF WHITE, AND THE REPUBLICAN SIDE ALSO A SEA OF WHITE.
( APPLAUSE )
NORMAL HANDSHAKING, SHAKING THE HAND OF THE PEOPLE WHO WILL
EVENTUALLY DECIDE IF HE CAN BE INDICTED.
IT WAS A WIDE-RANGING SPEECH.
TRUMP HONORED SOME WONDERFUL CHILDREN, SOME WORLD WAR II
VETERANS, SOME FORMER PRISONERS WHO WERE FREED BY CLEMENCY OR
THE NEW PRISON REFORM.
I THINK HE DECLARED HIMSELF PRESIDENT OF VENEZUELA AT ONE
POINT.
WHEN THE SPEECH BEGAN, ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS TRUMP DID WAS
INTRODUCE HIS WIFE.
>> MADAM SPEAKER, MR. VICE PRESIDENT, MEMBERS OF CONGRESS,
THE FIRST LADY OF THE UNITED STATES.
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )
>> Stephen: THAT'S A REALLY SMART MOVE: SAY WHO SHE IS,
THEN WAIT FOR HER TO STAWND BEFORE ACKNOWLEDGING HER.
( LAUGHTER )
FORGETTING WHO YOU ARE CURRENTLY MARRIED TO.
HE STARTED-- HE STARTED THE EVENING-- "WHAT'S UP, BIG GUY?"
HE STARTED WITH A CALL FOR BIPARTISANSHIP:
>> THE AGENDA I WILL LAY OUT THIS EVENING IS NOT A REPUBLICAN
AGENDA OR A DEMOCRAT AGENDA.
IT'S THE AGENDA OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: "CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL THEM THESE WERE THEIR
IDEAS?
BECAUSE I'M GETTING KILLED IN THE POLLS RIGHT NOW."
AND HE TOOK A MOMENT TO TOUT AMERICAN GREATNESS.
>> AMERICA SAVED FREEDOM, TRANSFORMED SCIENCE, REDEFINED
THE MIDDLE CLASS, AND WHEN YOU GET DOWN TO IT, THERE'S NOTHING
ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD THAT CAN COMPETE WITH AMERICA.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP): "HOME OF THE WHOPPER, UNDEFEATED
HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD.
AMERICA: IT'S EVERYWHERE YOU WANNA BE.
BA-DA-BA-BA-BA, I'M LOVING IT."
I COULD GO FOR ONE.
I'M LOVING IT, JON.
>> Jon: IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT.
I AM NOT MESSING WITH THAT.
>> Stephen: AND HE PRESENTED A STARK CHOICE:
>> WE MUST CHOOSE BETWEEN GREATNESS OR GRIDLOCK, RESULTS
OR RESISTANCE, VISION OR VENGEANCE, INCREDIBLE PROGRESS
OR POINTLESS DESTRUCTION.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP): "SOUP OR SALAD, PAPER OR
PLASTIC, ROSS AND RACHEL, ALIEN V. PREDATOR...
WHOEVER WINS, WE LOSE."
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
ALIEN VERSUS PREDATOR.
OF COURSE, HE BRAGGED MORE ABOUT THE ECONOMY:
>> AND WE ARE CONSIDERED, FAR AND AWAY, THE HOTTEST ECONOMY
ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP): "IT IS SO HOT, IF IT WASN'T MY
ECONOMY, PERHAPS I'D BE DATING IT."
>> Jon: OH, NO!
OH, NO!
>> Stephen: "JON, I'M TELLING YOU, JON, YOU KNOW, I LOVE A HOT
ECONOMY."
THE EVENING WENT ON...
AND ON.
( LAUGHTER )
SAT DOWN SO MANY TIMES, IT SOUNDED LIKE THEY WERE MAKING
POPCORN WITH THEIR KNEECAPS.
( LAUGHTER )
TO HOUSE DEMOCRATS.
>> AN ECONOMIC MIRACLE IS TAKING PLACE IN THE UNITED STATES, AND
THE ONLY THING THAT CAN STOP IT ARE FOOLISH WARS, POLITICS, OR
RIDICULOUS PARTISAN INVESTIGATIONS.
>> Stephen: "YOU HEARD ME, YOU GET THE TRUTH OR A FUNCTIONING
ECONOMY, OKAY.
KEEP IN MIND, I TURNED THIS SUCKER OFF FOR A MONTH OVER A
WALL.
YOU THINK I WON'T BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND TO STAY OUT
OF JAIL?
OKAY.
I'M JUST SAYING NICE COUNTRY YOU GOT HERE, SHAME-- SHAME IF
SOMETHING HAPPENED TO IT."
( APPLAUSE )
IN WHAT HE CLEARLY THOUGHT WAS A LINE THAT WOULD GET A STANDING
OVATION.
>> IF THERE IS GOING TO BE PEACE AND LEGISLATION, THERE CANNOT BE
WAR AND INVESTIGATION.
IT JUST DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY!
( SINGLE CLAP ) ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: EVEN-- EVEN THE REPUBLICANS WERE LIKE-- HEY!
DID HE... WHAT?
WHAT-- NICE TRY ON THAT ARGUMENT."
"YOU CAN'T HAVE LEGISLATION AND INVESTIGATION.
WHOEVER HEARD OF LAW AND ORDER?
COME ON.
( APPLAUSE )
YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE.
JON, YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE.
YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME THAT ONE.
YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME THAT ONE."
( APPLAUSE )
IMMIGRATION.
>> NOW IS THE TIME FOR CONGRESS TO SHOW THE WORLD THAT AMERICA
IS COMMITTED TO ENDING ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION AND PUTTING THE
RUTHLESS COYOTES, CARTELS, DRUG DEALERS, AND HUMAN TRAFFICKERS
OUT OF BUSINESS.
>> Stephen: AND NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO PUT SOMETHING OUT OF
BUSINESS LIKE DONALD TRUMP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU CAN TAKE THAT TO THE BANK!
BECAUSE THEY ARE REPOSSESSING IT IN THE CHAPTER 11!
NOW, TRUMP KNOWS-- TRUMP KNOWS IMMIGRANTS ARE TAKING AMERICAN
JOBS.
>> WORKING CLASS AMERICANS ARE LEFT TO PAY THE PRICE FOR MASS
ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION: REDUCED JOBS.
>> Stephen: BUT HE ALSO KNOWS THIS:
>> MORE PEOPLE ARE WORKING NOW THAN AT ANY TIME IN THE HISTORY
OF OUR COUNTRY.
>> Stephen: THE BOTH OF THOSE THINGS ARE TRUE, IF YOU DON'T
THINK ABOUT IT TOO HARD.
I DON'T.
I DON'T THINK ABOUT IT AT ALL.
OKAY.
YES AND NO."
AND HE LAID OUT A STRONG ARGUMENT AGAINST ILLEGAL
IMMIGRATION.
>> TOLERANCE FOR ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION IS NOT COMPASSION
COMPASSIONATE.
IT IS ACTUALLY VERY CRUEL.
>> Stephen: "I MEAN, NOT KIDS IN CAGES CRUEL, BUT, STILL,
PRETTY BAD."
THE POINT IS-- AND THIS IS MY POINT ULTIMATELY-- TOLERANCE IS
CRUELTY.
WAR IS PEACE.
FREEDOM OF SLAVERY, AND I WEIGH 239 POUNDS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TRUMP-- TRUMP-- TRUMP WAS BRAVELY WILLING TO
TAKE CREDIT FOR ANY GOOD THING THAT HAPPENED IN THE COUNTRY.
>> NO ONE HAS BENEFITED MORE FROM A THRIVING ECONOMY THAN
WOMEN WHO HAVE FILLED 58% OF THE NEWLY CREATED JOBS LAST YEAR.
( APPLAUSE )
OF YOU, DON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: WOOOOO!
WOOOO!
>> Stephen: MOST OF THOSE JOBS WERE NEW DEMOCRATIC WOMEN IN
CONGRESS.
AND TRUMP SUPPORTED THEIR CELEBRATION WITH THIS:
>> YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.
>> Stephen: DONALD TRUMP TRYING TO TELL WOMEN WHAT TO DO
IS WHY THEY WON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT COME ON, TRUMP ROLLED WITH IT.
>> DON'T SIT YET.
YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE THIS.
>> Stephen: "I RESIGN."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IS THAT NOT WHAT HE SAID?
>> Jon: THAT'S NOT WHAT HE SAID.
>> Stephen: AND HE ROLLED OUT SOME POLICY PROPOSALS TO APPEAL
TO WORKING PARENTS.
>> I AM ALSO PROUD TO BE THE FIRST PRESIDENT TO INCLUDE IN MY
BUDGET A PLAN FOR NATIONWIDE PAID FAMILY LEAVE SO THAT EVERY
NEW PARENT HAS THE CHANCE TO BOND WITH THEIR NEWBORN CHILD.
>> Stephen: "BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE ARE TOO BUSY
TO BOND WITH THEIR WIFE AND NEWBORN CHILD.
UNSTEAD, THEY'RE FORCED TO GO TO A VODKA LAUNCH PARTY AND TAG A
PORN STAR.
I'M SORRY.
NOT ON MY WATCH!
NO, NO, I'M SORRY.
I MEANT TO SAY NOT WHILE ANYONE IS WATCHING ME."
TRUMP ALSO MADE-- GETS YOU.
IT GETS YOU-- GETS YOU RIGHT THERE, CHRIS.
TRUCH ALSO MADE A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT HIS BUDDY,
KIM JONG-UN.
>> CHAIRMAN KIM AND I WILL MEET AGAIN ON FEBRUARY 27 AND 28 IN
VIETNAM.
>> Stephen: "UNLESS MY BONE SPURS ACT UP.
IN WHICH CASE, I'M SENDING ERIC, OKAY?
STRAP ON.
STRAP ON, ERIC."
( APPLAUSE )
THIS GOVERNMENT WILL STRICTLY ENFORCE ITS SMALL-GOVERNMENT
STANCE.
>> WE ARE ALARMED BY THE NEW CALLS TO ADOPT SOCIALISM IN OUR
COUNTRY.
( BOOING ) AMERICA WAS FOUNDED ON LIBERTY
AND INDEPENDENCE AND NOT GOVERNMENT COERCION, DOMINATION,
AND CONTROL.
WE ARE BORN FREE AND WE WILL STAY FREE.
( APPLAUSE )
I BELIEVE WE HAD A MIC ON BERNIE SANDERSINAR.
CAN WE-- CAN WE GO BACK AND TURN THAT UP?
>> WE ARE BORN FREE AND WE WILL STAY FREE.
( APPLAUSE )
>> THEN HE RAMPED UP FOR HIS BIG FINISH.
>> TOGETHER WE REPRESENT THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY NATION IN ALL
OF HISTORY.
WHAT WILL WE DO WITH THIS MOMENT?
HOW WILL WE BE REMEMBERED?
>> Stephen: "HOW MANY YEARS WILL WE SERVE, AND WILL WE GET
TIME OFF FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR?"
AND-- AND-- AND HE ENDED HIS SPEECH WITH
SOME LOFTY WORDS.
>> THIS IS THE TIME TO SEARCH FOR THE TALLEST SUMMIT AND SET
OUR SIGHTS ON THE BRIGHTEST STAR.
>> Stephen: THAT I BELIEVE, BECAUSE I ACTUALLY REMEMBER
SEEING TRUMP SET HIS SIGHTS ON THE BRIGHTEST STAR.
( APPLAUSE )
ALL HOME, HE BROUGHT IT ALL HOME WITH A SIMPLE PLEA.
>> I ASKING YOU TO CHOOSE GREATNESS.
NO MATTER THE TRIALS WE FACE.
>> Stephen: WELL, IN THAT CASE, SIR, I CHOOSE YOU FACE A
TRIAL BECAUSE THAT WILL BE GREAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT.
THE TEAM FROM "CBS THIS MORNING" IS HERE.
SPIKE LEE IS HERE.
STICK AROUND.
WE'VE JUST BEGUN.
AND IT'S LIVE!