WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
TONIGHT -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT, THE BIG STORY MIGHT NOT -- PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THE BIG
STORY, THEY TALK ABOUT IT ALL DAY, WE TALK ABOUT IT AT NIGHT.
THE BIG STORY MIGHT NOT BE A BIG STORY.
EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT IT, BUT NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE STORY
IS REALLY ABOUT.
BECAUSE IT'S ALL OMICRON THIS AND OMICRON THAT.
BUT WE DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND IF THIS IS GOING TO CHANGE
ANYTHING.
WE DON'T "KNOWMICRON."
SO FAR, OMICRON APPEARS TO BE MILDER AND MORE INFECTIOUS THAN
DELTA.
THAT MAY BE HAPPENING BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO A NEW
STUDY, "IT SHARES GENETIC CODE WITH THE COMMON
COLD."
THIS PANDEMIC HAS GONE ON SO LONG, WE'RE OFFICIALLY AT THE
REMIX STAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE NEXT VARIANT'S GOING TO BE
COVID, FEATURING SHINGLES THE SKRILLEX MIX.
(AIRHORN BLASTS) ( APPLAUSE )
SCIENTISTS BELIEVE THE GENE SWAP MAY HAVE OCCURRED AFTER A SINGLE
PERSON WAS SIMULTANEOUSLY INFECTED BY CORONAVIRUS AND
THE COMMON COLD.
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU DON'T SING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"
TWICE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, THAT PERSON'S IDENTITY HASN'T BEEN CONFIRMED, BUT RUMOR
HAS IT THAT IT'S THIS MAN.
( LAUGHTER ) OMICRON SPREADS FAST.
THIS WE DO KNOW.
ONE OF THE FIRST U.S. CASES WAS A MINNESOTA MAN WHO ATTENDED AN
ANIME CONVENTION IN MANHATTAN.
OF THE 30 PEOPLE HE WENT WITH 15 OF HIS FRIENDS ALSO HAVE
COVID-19.
THAT IS SHOCKING.
PEOPLE WHO GO TO ANIME CONVENTIONS HAVE FRIENDS?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I GOT A LITTLE THING!
I THOUGHT THEY JUST HAD SAILER MOON BODY PILLOWS.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S ALSO A SURGE IN COVID
CLASSIC.
THE U.S. IS AVERAGING 100,000 CASES OF CORONAVIRUS A
DAY, AND NOT ALL OF THOSE ARE ON LAND.
WE JUST LEARNED THAT A CRUISE SHIP DISEMBARKED IN NEW
ORLEANS WITH AT LEAST 17 COVID CASES, INCLUDING A
"PROBABLE" OMICRON INFECTION.
WE'RE BACK AT CRUISE SHIP COVID?
WHAT'S NEXT, A NEW SEASON OF 'TIGER KING'?
(INCREDULOUSLY) THERE'S WHAT??
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE CRUISE LINE CLAIMS THEY TRIED TO AVOID SPREAD INTO THE
COMMUNITY, BUT ONE PASSENGER SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN TAKEN BY
SURPRISE: >> WE DIDN'T HEAR OF THIS UNTIL
WE KINDA HEARD YOU TALKING A SECOND AGO.
YEAH, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO HAVE KNOWN, YOU KNOW.
WE WOULD HAVE TAKEN MAYBE A FEW MORE PRECAUTIONS.
>> STEPHEN: HE HEARD IT FROM THE REPORTER?
THE GUY'S BREAKING IMPORTANT LIFE NEWS TO HIM.
(AS REPORTER) "SIR, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT
BEING EXPOSED TO CORONAVIRUS?
AND FOLLOW-UP: YOUR WIFE JUST LEFT, TOOK THE KIDS, AND CALLED
YOU A SELFISH LOVER.
YOUR THOUGHTS?" ( LAUGHTER )
WELL, I WOULD HAVE LIKE TO HAVE KNOWN I WAS A SELFSH LOVER --
( LAUGHTER ) THERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS.
THANKS TO FEAR OF THE NEW VARIANT:
DEMAND FOR VACCINES HAS SPIKED!
AND HERE IN NEW YORK, THE LINES MIGHT BE GETTING LONGER, THANKS
TO AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM OUTGOING NEW YORK MAYOR BILL DE
BLASIO, SEEN HERE ON DAY THREE OF BEING LEFT HANGING.
( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW I'M TALL, BUT NO ONE --
MY ARM'S GETTING ALL TINGLY.
( APPLAUSE ) DE BLASIO UNVEILED NEW YORK
CITY'S FIRST-IN-THE-NATION VACCINE MANDATE FOR PRIVATE
COMPANIES, WHICH WILL --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHICH WILL
APPLY TO 184,000 BUSINESSES.
THAT'S THE FULL RANGE OF NEW YORK BUSINESSES, FROM FAMOUS
ORIGINAL RAY'S PIZZA TO ORIGINAL RAY'S FAMOUS PIZZA RAY.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S NOT THE ONLY NEW RULE FOR
THE CITY.
WITH SHOTS NOW AVAILABLE FOR KIDS, ALL CHILDREN BETWEEN THE
AGES OF 5 AND 11 WILL NEED PROOF OF AT LEAST ONE SHOT BEFORE
ENTERING RESTAURANTS, THEATERS, AND GYMS.
THAT'S GREAT.
WE'VE GOT TO MAKE IT SAFE FOR OUR SIX-YEAR-OLDS TO HIT THE LEG
PRESS.
"COME ON, MADISON, YOU THINK ZUMA FROM PAW PATROL GIVES UP AT
350 POUNDS?
GOALS ARE DREAMS, STANDARDS ARE ACCOUNTABILITY!
NOW SQUAT!" ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SQUAT!
YOU GOT TO BE TOUGH.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE
PEOPLE TRYING TO BEAT THE SYSTEM.
FOR INSTANCE, ONE ANTIVAXXER IN ITALY GOT CREATIVE AND TRIED TO
DODGE HIS COVID VACCINE BY WEARING A FAKE ARM.
FOOLPROOF PLAN.
IT'S NOT LIKE ITALIANS FAMOUSLY EXPRESS THEMSELVES
USING HAND GESTURES.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
MY ARM IS TOTALLY REAL! SEE?
MUAH!
( HUMMING IN ITALIAN ) I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!
MUAH, MUAH, MUAH, MUAH!
LATER, LATER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WAS DOING ANY JARED LITO FROM
GUCCI.
( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY THING SPREADING FASTER
THAN OMICRON IS MISINFORMATION FROM
CONSERVATIVES LIKE GEORGIA CONGRESSWOMAN --
( BOOING ) -- AND SWIMMER WHO DECIDED THE
BATHROOM WAS TOO FAR FROM THE POOL, MARJORIE TAYLOR
GREENE.
GREENE HAS LONG BEEN AN OPPONENT OF DOING ANYTHING ABOUT
ANYTHING, INCLUDING THE PANDEMIC, AND THIS WEEKEND, SHE
TWEETED: "EVERY SINGLE YEAR MORE THAN 600,000 PEOPLE IN THE U.S.
DIE FROM CANCER.
THE COUNTRY HAS NEVER ONCE SHUT DOWN.
NOT A SINGLE SCHOOL HAS CLOSED."
BCAUSE CANCER'S NOT CONTAGIOUS, YOU NIMROD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S LIKE COMPARING APPLES AND
ORANGES...
TO CANCER.
ANOTHER REPUBLICAN WHO THINKS WE'RE MAKING TOO BIG A DEAL OUT
OF THIS WHOLE "THREE QUARTERS OF A MILLION PEOPLE
DYING" IS WISCONSIN SENATOR AND MAN SAYING, "ANYBODY WANNA
FINISH MY URINE SAMPLE?," RON JOHNSON.
LAST WEEK, JOHNSON ACCUSED ANTHONY FAUCI OF OVERHYPING
COVID, AND CLAIMS IT WASN'T THE FIRST TIME.
>> FAUCI DID THE EXACT SAME THING WITH AIDS.
HE OVERHYPED IT.
>> STEPHEN: (SARCASTICALLY) YES, AIDS.
THE PANDEMIC THAT THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT FAMOUSLY TOOK TOO
SERIOUSLY.
WELL, IF AIDS WAS OVERHYPED, SENATOR JOHNSON, THEN I GUESS
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR PROTECTION WHEN YOU GO (BLEEP)
YOURSELF.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
CHRISTMAS IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER, AND EVERYONE'S GETTING
INTO THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT.
SPECIFICALLY, ONE SHERIFF'S OFFICE IN COLORADO WHO, ON
FRIDAY, TWEETED THIS PHOTO WITH THE CAPTION
"GUESS WHO CAME IN TO RECEIVE HIS CONCEALED HANDGUN PERMIT
TODAY?" WITH A PICTURE OF ST. NICK.
WOW, SANTA IS TAKING THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS
"VERY" SERIOUSLY.
NOW SANTA WITH A GUN IS AN UPSETTING IDEA
BUT DON'T WORRY, KIDS. THERE'S NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF.
SANTA IS JUST AN OLD LONER WHO LIVES OFF THE GRID, KEEPS LISTS
OF YOUR BAD DEEDS, KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE, AND CAN GET INTO YOUR
HOUSE WITHOUT WAKING YOUR PARENTS UP.
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, HE MADE OUT WITH YOUR
MOM.
I SAW.
SHE WAS INTO IT.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
YEAH.
GGOT HANDSY.
( APPLAUSE ) THE SHERIFF'S OFFICE APPARENTLY
HAD A GOOD REASON TO POST JOLLY OLD ST. GLOCK.
THEY WANTED TO ADVERTISE CONCEALED HANDGUN PERMITS.
THAT'S FINE.
WE'LL JUST HAVE TO UPDATE THE POEM:
"T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, AND ALL
THROUGH THE HOUSE NOT A CREATURE WAS
STIRRING...
BECAUSE SANTA'S ARMED!
LEAVE THE COOKIES AND BACK AWAY SLOWLY!"
( LAUGHTER ) HEY, WHO HERE LIKES THINGS
( APPLAUSE ) WELL, I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS:
WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF THAT.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S CARGO UNCHAINED:
>> "I FEEL SO EMPTY INSIDE."
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: JUST IN CASE HAVING
A KID DURING A GLOBAL PANDEMIC WASN'T CHALLENGING
ENOUGH, THIS FALL, PARENTS HAVE EXPERIENCED A DIAPER SHORTAGE.
BUT DON'T WORRY, THERE'S STILL A ENDLESS SUPPLY OF CHILDLESS
FRIENDS TO SAY, "WHY NOT JUST SWITCH TO CLOTH DIAPERS?
WANNA GO SEE A MOVIE?
OH, RIGHT."
THIS SUPPLY-DEMAND ISSUE IS LEADING TO SKYROCKETING PRICES.
PACKAGES OF DIAPERS THAT WERE 25 DOLLARS LAST YEAR ARE NOW 40
DOLLARS.
THAT'S INSANE!
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YOU WERE A LITTLE LATE.
( LAUGHTER ) A PACKAGE OF DIAPERS SHOULDN'T
COST MORE THAN A TANK OF GAS.
"TANK OF GAS," BY THE WAY, IS A GREAT NICKNAME FOR A BABY
WHO GOES THROUGH A LOT OF DIAPERS.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT JUST WHAT COMES OUT OF
BABIES THAT'S POSING A PROBLEM.
SO IS WHAT GOES IN. BECAUSE THERE'S ALSO A NATIONWIDE
BABY FORMULA SHORTAGE.
THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE.
ALSO STRANGELY SINISTER.
WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF....
THE FORMULA.
(CRACK OF THUNDER) YOU KNOW..THE FORMULA...
WE GIVE..
THE BABY.
( THUNDER ROLLS ) THIS FORMULA SHORTAGE IS TOUGH
BECAUSE PARENTS CAN'T JUST SWITCH FROM ONE BRAND TO
ANOTHER, SINCE SOME BABIES CAN DEVELOP AN INTOLERANCE TO
INGREDIENTS IN SPECIFIC BRANDS.
IT'S TRUE.
THAT'S WHAT LED TO THE FAILURE OF MY BABY FORMULA BRAND:
STEPHEN COLBERT'S SHELLFISH, EGG AND DAIRY FORMULA.
NOW WITH MORE PEANUT!
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS TOUGH ON PARENTS
BECAUSE, AS EXPERTS POINT OUT, UNLIKE TOILET PAPER WHICH WAS IN
SHORT SUPPLY EARLIER IN THE PANDEMIC, BABY GEAR IS UNIQUE
BECAUSE IT CAN BE AN EMOTIONAL PURCHASE.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
WHEN YOU REALLY NEED TOILET PAPER, IT'S AN EMOTIONAL
PURCHASE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH.
RIGHT HERE.
NEXT UP, START HOARDING YOUR CREAM CHEESE, BECAUSE NEW YORK
CITY IS FACING A "SCHMEAR SHORTAGE."
NO SCHMEAR?!
HOLY SCHMIT!
( LAUGHTER ) NEW YORK CAN'T RUN OUT OF CREAM
CHEESE!
THAT'S LIKE PARIS RUNNING OUT OF CROISSANTS OR SEATTLE RUNNING
OUT OF COFFEE OR LOS ANGELES RUNNING OUT OF
HOT CHRISES.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, HOT CHRIS WITH A SHMEAR?
RIGHT OUT OF THE TOASTER?
AMAZING!
OH, MMM!
MMM!
AAAAHHH!
MUAH!
( LAUGHTER ) SOME NEW YORK BAGEL SHOPS SAY
THEY COULD RUN OUT OF CREAM CHEESE AS SOON AS THIS
WEEK.
AS ONE BAGEL-PRENEUR PUT IT: >> "THIS IS BAD. THIS IS VERY
BAD."
ALSO HOW I DESCRIBE A BLUEBERRY BAGEL.
JUST GET A (BLEEP)-ING MUFFIN!
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS JENNIFER LAWRENCE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, SHOULD ROBOTS BE ALLOWED TO DECIDE TO
KILL US?
THE QUESTION MAY SURPRISE YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪