I'm sure you're all wondering where Ellen is.
And the truth is, she got impeached.
Mhm.
Yes.
No, that's not true.
I can tell you where she is if we just keep it between us,
and it rhymes with moob job.
Mhm.
Yeah.
Season 16 is going to be bigger and better than ever.
Yes.
The truth is that it's my birthday today!
[CHEERING]
Thank you.
I know, it's crazy.
Oh, I also have to say hi to my mom.
Hi, mom.
This is crazy, right?
OK.
So, I've been begging Ellen to let me host,
so thank you, Ellen, and happy birthday to me.
[APPLAUSE]
If you can't tell, I'm thrilled to be here.
So, you might know me from Glee.
[APPLAUSE]
Or you might know me from Scream Queens,
or you might think that I sang that song from Frozen but, no.
I'm not Idina Menzel.
So, this is my 11th time on the show, which is crazy,
and I love coming here for two reasons.
First of all, they have the best snacks.
It's out of control back there.
And I also just found out that they
have a whole archive of reality show clips,
and I love reality shows.
All of them.
I love The Bachelor.
I love The Real Housewives.
I love This Is Us.
That family is real, OK?
That family is real.
I cry real tears.
So, right now, I want to watch some reality show
clips with you, OK?
[APPLAUSE]
This first show is called My Strange Addiction,
and this is a woman who is addicted to her pillow.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
- Well, my pillow actually has a name, and it's Boo.
Hey, Boo.
- Do you feel like your addiction is something
that you need to work on?
- I'm OK.
- And you don't think that can affect
some of your relationships?
- No, because I feel like if you want me--
truly me-- then you're going to accept my pillow,
because that is part of me.
Me and this pillow got history before you came.
I need it, and I don't care if the president, whoever
saw me with it.
I wouldn't care.
I'm not ashamed.
[END PLAYBACK]
Wow.
OK.
That show is on TLC, which stands for Totally Loco Crazy.
The next clip is from a show called Botched.
These are two twins who do everything together.
Let's see.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
- I'm Lucy.
- I'm Anna.
- And we're the world's most identical twins.
We eat the same, sleep the same, talk the same,
but, unfortunately, these aren't the same.
- We share everything, literally,
from our job, our car--
- Our Facebook account--
- Our mobile phone--
- And even a boyfriend.
- Even a boyfriend.
We've been eating the exact same thing, the same size quantity
of our food for about--
- 10 years now.
- That one's still got more.
- Because I want my body to look like hers.
She wants her body to look like mine.
We don't want to weigh differently.
- That one's still got more.
- No it's not.
- That one's still got more.
That one's still got more.
[END PLAYBACK]
Oh, yeah.
Uh-huh.
You know, suddenly, the pillow lady doesn't seem so crazy.
Finally, this is a clip from a show called Love At First Kiss.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
- I think my strategy is just go for the kiss.
Maybe I'll be able to slip tongue, and then, from there,
things take off, and who knows?
Maybe she's my first girlfriend.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Hey.
- How's it going?
- Good.
How are you?
- Good.
What's your name?
- Emily.
- I'm Josh.
- Hi.
- Can I kiss you?
- Sure.
[END PLAYBACK]
- OK.
Oh, but don't worry.
Don't worry about him, because they brought him back
to the show to give him another try.
So, let's see.
[VIDEO PLAYBACK]
- How's it going?
- Good.
How are you?
- Good.
What's your name?
- I'm Roxanne.
- Roxanne.
Nice to meet you.
- You too.
- Can I kiss you?
- Mhm.
It was nice.
[END PLAYBACK]
Wow.
That really is one lucky lady.
And I mean the one from the first clip.