[Disclaimer read by Goku]
[Please keep these captions clean for those who need them. Funny extras can be added to the English (Canada) subs. Thank you!]
NEWS REPORTER [on TV]: Over the last 13 hours, more than two dozen evacuation orders have been issued all over the globe.
Thousands upon millions head for the countryside, including the endangered Saskatoad T-rexes; while others seek shelter.
The world has never seen terror as real as it has today.
PICCOLO: You're kidding me...
TIEN: Yeah, right? Dinosaurs are still a thing. It's odd how we never talk about it.
At least not since we drove them out of the cities.
PICCOLO: I'm talking about terror!
"Never seen," my ass; my Dad released every murderer out onto the streets and overthrew the world government!
TIEN: Oh, right; and the king of the world is a blue Cairn Terrier.
PICCOLO: It's bullshit!
TIEN: I think it's pretty progressive.
VEGETA: Awwww, look at the poor Namekian, lost and forgotten to time.
NEWS REPORTER [on TV]: Even the attack of the Saiyans five years ago pales in comparison to this overwhelming threat,
as if comparing a cataclysm to a rampaging toddler.
VEGETA: Bullshit! We turned an entire city into a glass floor!
PICCOLO: Awwww, look at the poor Saiyan, lost and forgotten to time.
VEGETA: *Watch it*, Namekian; unless you want to go right now, and I think we both know how our last fight went.
PICCOLO: And *I* think we don't, because we've never fought.
VEGETA: I... wait... y-- really? But then how did you--
PICCOLO: Your dumbass friend.
VEGETA: Riiight! Wow, we've never actually fought, that's so weird.
Isn't that weird, black man?
MR. POPO: Yeah! Almost as weird as what's gonna happen if you call me that again!
VEGETA: 'What is he...?'
[They all sense Goku and Gohan's ki]
GOKU [off-screen]: Alright now, Gohan. When you get out there, try not to brag.
GOHAN [o-s]: About what?
GOKU [o-s]: That's it, son. Don't let slip just how much stronger we are.
Otherwise, Vegeta will be all, "OH, BUT MY PRIDE, GRR, I WISH I WERE A CARROT".
GOHAN [o-s]: That's not *in*accurate...
GOKU [o-s]: Piccolo will probably just growl and grumble; really, it's too bad we're out of Namekians for him to absorb,
then he'd be as strong as Vegeta. VEGETA: (Growling to himself)
GOKU: Speaking of, did you know they've never fought? Crazy, right!?
Oh, hey guys, what'd I miss?
VEGETA: Mock my pride...!
GOKU: Huh, what'd I tell you? He's like a See-n'-Saiyan.
VEGETA [o-s]: I'MA KILL HIM!
[♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫]
♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫
♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)
♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)
♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫
(Subbed by Hideo Kojima)
TIEN: Soooo...
GOKU: Hm?
TIEN: Was there enough food in there?
GOKU: Hmm...
PICCOLO: Did you get stronger?
GOKU: Mmhm!
TRUNKS: Stronger than Cell?
GOKU: Hmmmmmmm...
PICCOLO: For the love of-- swallow! Now!
GOKU: ...I'm not pooping tonight.
PICCOLO: ARE YOU STRONGER THAN CELL?!
GOKU: I'ma need my threads first.
Yo, Mr. P! Hit me up!
MR. POPO: Bitch, you're lucky you're endearing.
GOKU: Hehe...
ANDROID 16: Another reason I want to kill Son Goku? He is so orange.
It's like - come on... there are other colors.
Am I right?
BULMA: So we'll have to machine the skull ourselves...
ANDROID 16: Another reason to kill Son Goku, you ask?
His stupid face.
Have you seen it?
BULMA: Yeeeep.
ANDROID 16: That's a face even a mother could kill.
BULMA: Now luckily, Dad has enough synthetic skin to patch that area.
ANDROID 16: Another reason to kill Son Goku is--
BULMA: Hey... so, how about we talk about something else?
ANDROID 16: Very well.
What is your favorite type of bird?
BULMA: Oh, umm...
Penguins.
ANDROID 16: WRONG!
GOKU: Ahhh, good ol' orange. Really brings out my stupid face.
MR. POPO: I had them washed for you.
GOKU: Aww, man! Now they don't have that "Goku" smell.
Hey Gohan! We'll have your Mom make you a new Gi when we get home.
You're probably too big for your old one now.
GOHAN: I've got it covered.
Uh... Mr. Piccolo? Could you... uhh...
PICCOLO: What, you want you to make you a Gi like your dad's?
GOHAN: Actually, I was hoping I could get one like yours?
PICCOLO: Oh!
NAIL: 'Did our heart just skip a beat?'
KAMI [probably grinning]: 'That is precious.'
PICCOLO [clenched teeth]: Shut.
PICCOLO [clenched teeth]: Shut. The F***.
PICCOLO [clenched teeth]: Shut. The F***. Up!
PICCOLO: Yeah, sure. I guess.
CLOTHES BEAM!
GOKU [o-s]: Wow... you know, that works on you. I mean, if you don't like orange...
PICCOLO [o-s]: Quick rundown:
GOHAN: (Happily chuckling to himself) PICCOLO [o-s]: Doors are going to be a little difficult at first; I suggest a 45° angle.
GOHAN: (Sigh) PICCOLO: Also; crowds. But I don't really deal with them...
PICCOLO: Also; crowds. But I don't really deal with them...
TRUNKS: Look, I don't mean to be *that* guy...
VEGETA [o-s]: Oh, that's "accidental".
TRUNKS: ...*but*, there's a green cyborg elephant in the room.
Goku...
are you or are you not stronger than Cell?
GOKU: Good question.
I'll go check!
TRUNKS: I'm sorry; go check wha--?
{POP}
PERFECT CELL: Look, I understand that you sponsor all forms of sporting events...
but just so we're clear, you *do* realize that everyone dies if I win, right?
HETAP REP [via earpiece]: Yeah, but if you think about it, you kill us, and it doesn't matter.
PER. CELL: Yes.
HETAP REP [ve]: Basically it's a total win-win for us either way.
PER. CELL: Yeah, I guess that is a win-win for you, isn't it?
Alright then! It's officially "The Cell Games: Presented by HETAP"!
GOKU: I'd kill for a HETAP!
PER. CELL: WHOA, JESUS!
GOKU: No, actually. It's Goku.
PER. CELL: Need to put a bell on you.
GOKU: Huh?
PER. CELL: Nothing! Sorry, I just wasn't expecting you for another *week*! (Chuckles) Must look a mess...
I just got done finishing the ring, patching a hole... Speaking of which!
What do you think of our glorious battleground? (Chuckles)
GOKU: Eh, s'alright. Kinda small, innit?
PER. CELL: I prefer... *intimate*.
GOKU: Well, I'm not intimidated either.
PER. CELL: Ohh, but you should be!
Because in it - we shall decide the fate of not only this boring blue ball of dirt and water, but the *entire galaxy*!
So you best bring your A-game, Son Goku.
Because the stakes... have never been higher! (Chuckles)
GOKU: (Gasp!)
PER. CELL: And before you say it, the prize isn't actually steak.
GOKU: I wasn't thinking that.
PER. CELL: Yes you were.
GOKU: Then WHAT is the prize, you *monster*?!
PER. CELL: Living!
Also, a lifetime supply of HETAP!
GOKU: Y'know, they say "lifetime", but they never consider the Dragon Balls.
Anyway, I just came to measure you up.
And I gotta say...
And I gotta say... nice.
PER. CELL: Baby, you know it.
GOKU: I've seen all I need.
Now, I'm off to go and have a... high-fiber dinner...
See you in a week!
PER. CELL: It's a date...
GOKU: Yeah... I know...
That's how days work.
{POP}
PER. CELL: ...I'm gonna miss him when he's dead.
GOHAN: So the Androids took my arm?
TRUNKS: Yeah; you lost it saving my life.
GOHAN: Well, did it at least look cool?
TRUNKS: Oh, man, it was the COOLEST!
You were always the first to jump in a battle... and you never backed down... and you saved my life SO many times!
GOHAN: I died, didn't I?
TRUNKS: Brutally...
{POP}
GOKU: Wow, okay, yeah, he's pretty strong...
Also, really handsome... Like, why did none of you warn me he would be so handsome?
PICCOLO: But is he *stronger* than *you*?
GOKU: If he's as strong as he is handsome, then OH-HO BOY.
I mean, I'd never cheat on Chi-Chi, but...
GOHAN: Dad.
GOKU: So handsome...
PICCOLO: Well then, if it's all the same to you, I'ma take my turn inside the chamber.
GOKU: Hey, maybe after you're done, you and 'Geets can finally have a go.
[whispering] Go easy on him, best buddy.
PICCOLO: ...You know, I was stronger than you yesterday.
GOKU: Yeah, but that was a year ago... we've *all* grown!
Like Gohan! Just look at him! All super, and Saiyan...
TRUNKS: About that!
You've been Super Saiyan since you came out. What's up with that?
GOHAN: Well, after extended exposure and focus, our bodies acclimated to the elevated state.
We can sustain it without literally any loss in stamina!
VEGETA: WHAT?! >:O
GOKU: Yuh-huh! Also, we kinda forgot how to turn it off. Ha-ha-ha...
GOHAN: Truthfully, it's very concerning.
GOKU: Yeah, for *Cell*!
And, uh, also doors...
MR. POPO: *What did you do*?
GOKU: See you at "The Cell Games: Presented by HETAP"!
VEGETA: 'That hollow-skulled bastard, now I'm angry AND thirsty!'
BOY! TRUNKS: Huh?
VEGETA: We're going back in the chamber and fixing this immediately!
TRUNKS: Yeah, Piccolo just went in.
{SLAM}
VEGETA: Wha-ugh... Then what the hell am I supposed to do for 24 hours?! Hang out with you two idiots?!
Fine. Your literal humanity disgusts me, anyway.
Guess it's just you and me now, black man.
MR. POPO: (Sigh)
VEGETA: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...!
YAJIROBE: See? I told you it would happen.
KORIN: T'was never a matter of if...
(Sip)
{BOOOM}
only when.
KRILLIN: Crazy, you're both like a year older now, huh?
GOKU: Yuh-huh! Which means he's TEEN Gohan, now!
GOHAN: Actually, I'm 11, so that means that I'm a pre--
GOKU: That means *you* need a BIRTHDAY PARTY!
KRILLIN: Ooo! Can it be Super Saiyan themed?
GOHAN: (Gasp) With little spiky pieces of yellow frosting?
GOKU: That sounds amazing...
Chi-Chi! Super Saiyan Cake me!
CHI-CHI: ...Goku?
GOKU: Yeah?
CHI-CHI: Did you take our son into a magical reality outside of spacetime, for an entire *year*,
bleach his hair without my consent, and suddenly come back home demanding *birthday cake*?
GOKU: If it makes you feel any better, it's not bleach...
CHI-CHI: It doesn't.
GOKU: Are you upset?
CHI-CHI: No... because I know how you're going to pay me back.
GOHAN: Mom, what do you mean?
CHI-CHI: Krillin... would you take Gohan out for a few hours?
KRILLIN: Gohan, we're going to Kame House.
[Krillin and Gohan run off into the distance] GOKU [kinda scared]: Wait, what does she mean?! Guys?!?
[Door closing]
[Door closing] CHI-CHI: He said one week...
[Closed] CHI-CHI: He said one week...
CHI-CHI: He said one week... and I'm using it.
GOKU [scared (!)]: Wha... what are you--
CHI-CHI: [Repetitive / agressive grunting] GOKU: *Huaah*...!
CHI-CHI: [Repetitive / agressive grunting] GOKU: *Huaah*... *hah*...!
CHI-CHI: [Repetitive / agressive grunting] GOKU: *Huaah*... *hah*... *aah*...!
CHI-CHI: [Repetitive / agressive grunting] GOKU: *Huaah*... *hah*... *aah*... *huagh*...!
CHI-CHI: [Repetitive / agressive grunting] GOKU: *Huaah*... *hah*... *aah*... *huagh*... *Ka*...!
CHI-CHI: [Repetitive / agressive grunting] GOKU: *Huaah*... *hah*... *aah*... *huagh*... *Ka*... *Me*...!
CHI-CHI: [Repetitive / agressive grunting] GOKU: *Huaah*... *hah*... *aah*... *huagh*... *Ka*... *Me*... *HA*...!
CHI-CHI: [Repetitive / agressive grunting] GOKU: *Huaah*... *hah*... *aah*... *huagh*... *Ka*... *Me*... *HA*... *ME*...!
*HUUUUUUUUUUUUUU*--?!
[♫ Closing theme (DBZ intermission) ♫]
KAMI: 'Seriously... you can materialize clothing from your very being.'
NAIL: 'You wouldn't have to spend *anything* on supplies, manufacturing...'
PICCOLO: 'I am focusing on training!'
KAMI: 'You *should* be focusing on what you're going to do after Cell is defeated.'
PICCOLO: 'Fine, but what would we even call this hypothetical clothing line of ours?'
KAMI: '"Big Green Threads"'. NAIL: '"Big Green Threads"'.
PICCOLO: ...We might need to workshop that.
"PER. CELL": I think it has a *perfect* ring to it.
PICCOLO: Yeah, well, you're big and green! You have a bias!
NAIL: 'Wait, are we hallucinating?'
KAMI: 'How long have we been in here?'
"PER. CELL": Three days.
{SLAM}
PICCOLO: I'm out!
VEGETA [o-s]: I CALL DIBS!
LANIPATOR: Hey, everyone. I'm Lanipator, co-writer and co-star of DBZA, and I wanted to thank you for watching.
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